My Teen Is Desperate for A Girlfriend

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Oops, I think this is a necrothread someone revived. I did not notice the original post date.

I know the prom the OP talked about is long gone, but what about telling him straight up he'd better forget about girlfriends or dating till the day he is completely independent from his parents, so he doesn't need their permission or support anymore, since he'll never have it?

Ten Simple Rules for
Dating My Daughter

Some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, INTEND TO HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

1. You can’t.

All these "Rules for dating my daughter" posts are almost making me glad I never dated as a teenager. I'm sure OP's son would the thrilled to read them .

With me being 32, most fathers are now in their 60's, and usually butt out of their daughter's dating life by then. Also, most men mellow out at that age, and one who don't aren't much of a physical danger to me anymore. But if one starts giving me trouble, I know ways to get him arrested and charged. Unless, of course, he's a lawyer or a cop; then I'll just dump his daughter when I find out.

Since this is the Parents' Forum, I'll say that I hope the OP's son didn't turn to escorts out of desperation, like I did. My parents are still none the wiser.

You do know that those lists and tshirts are just kind of a parody, right? Yes fathers, mothers, and brothers can be protective and some are overprotective but it's just a running joke about cleaning the gun on the porch when the daughters date comes to pick her up. Usually most dads I know are nice to whoever is taking their daughter out. Otherwise she's furious at him for a very long time.

Meh. Anything that gets parodied must be pervasive to begin with. Otherwise no one would get the reference. Plus I'm sure I can say the gun barrel was pointed at me and claim robbery; I just have to lure him outside the property line or remain on the city sidewalk, so the castle defense law won't apply. Hey, don't mess with a jaded aspie .

Either way, I only date women 30 and older, with whom the above isn't even in the equation, for a number of reasons. That, or just use escort services, like I already said. Dodging the police, dodging the father, same difference.