Is anyone here a parent with aspergers themselves?

Post Reply New Topic

I was only recently diagnosed with Asperger's and I have a 7 year old daughter (and been trying for another for 2 years now).

My advice is go with the flow, I was so intent on doing this and that and following this stupid baby book that had a routine of wake up at this time, feed baby, play with baby, put down for a nap etc etc and I became so distressed when I couldn't stick to the book's routine. When I just relaxed and took each day as it came it was so much better.

From my experience, tiny babies are easy; eat, sleep, nappy change...that's it for the first couple of months. Then they get interested in things and you start to play and it's fun, I really enjoyed having my daughter around me all the time and as she got older it got more fun because of all the new things she started to do and say etc.

I did have to force myself to go to toddler groups, it was awful for me but she got to play with other kids, same with her pre-school, I forced myself to stay with her until she was settled after a few months.

The older they get the easier I find it because they make their own little friends and you don't have to arrange things for them. I find it more challenging now that she is 7 then when she was a baby because she needs constant entertainment and also because I believe she is on the spectrum too we have various behaviours and meltdowns etc that are hard at times.

For example when she is being really whingey about something and nothing (so logically it makes no sense why she's getting in a huff) and if I'm having a bad day it starts to wind me up and I can feel myself on the verge of a meltdown so I go and lay down in a dark room for 20 mins whilst my husband takes over.

I'm not a very affectionate person at all, but my parents showed me almost zero affection (I'm pretty sure my dad is an aspie too) and I was always determined not to be the same. So when she was a baby I tried to hug her and kiss her and everything as much as I possibly could BUT with her potentially being an aspie too she hated affection and would pull away from me, she hated hugs except from her daddy. Now that she's older it's pretty much the same still, she loves affection from daddy but isn't as keen on hugs etc from me (or anyone), which suits me really because like I said I'm not very touchy feely. My husband is her emotional support, example when she has a nightmare he will be hugging her and telling her in a soothing voice it's alright I will be giving her logical explanations " it was just a dream , dreams are not real, your perfectly okay now so you can go to sleep". This works for all of us because she will be sat in daddy's lap crying about something and I talk her through it.

She also knows that I understand her little quirks such as her sensory issues because I have them too, wheras daddy does not fully understand so when it's something like that which is upsetting her it's me she comes to because she knows I will instantly just get why she is crying/screaming and pulling at her clothes(because the seams or something are upsetting her).

We do have random hugs sometimes and again sometimes it is me that comforts her, like the other night she had a massive meltdown because of emotional overload (long story). My husband was rubbing her back and telling her to calm down it was okay etc. I knew that wasn't going to work because I know how it feels when your in that state and she was too far gone for soothing words. So I told my husband to be quiet, pulled her off her bed sat her on my lap (so her back was against my chest) and rocked her back and forth and gave her a chewy tube to chew on and it took about 30 seconds for her to calm down.

The social side of things I leave to my husband now, when she was really little I did the toddler groups etc and when she started school we both took her to parties etc. Now that she's older I just can't deal with it as much anymore, 2 dozen loud 7 years olds is too much for me and so he takes her to 99% of social things alone. I'm the planner so I organise her birthday parties, every little detail is carefully organised(from the entertainment down to the party bag contents, I spend months finding the perfect things for the best price) and she always has the best parties ever and all the kids want to go to them.

We try our best to invite as many of her school friends as possible but sometimes we keep it small. Her 4th birthday was the first big one, we invited ALL of her pre-school(42 kids I think it was ), we had face painting, bouncy castle, balloon modelling and as a result she was invited to about 30 parties that year. Her 5th birthday we had a smaller bash, took 6 friends to a play centre and then a meal afterwards. Her 6th was another big one 46 kids from school with snakes, lizards, meerkats, inflatables, and allsorts of crazy prizes etc. Then her last one was another small affair 11 girls for a fairy / craft / build a bear/ modelling party (I'm currently arguing via email with the photographers over the quality of the shots). Next year we're hiring out the cinema for a movie party and will probably only have 12-20 kids and they HAVE to be quiet for the film...bliss

She has 1 friend who she's known since she was 3, her mum is very friendly with my husband (not so much me because I suck socially) and we have her over or my daughter goes to play at her house now and again. We're supposed to be having her friend for a sleepover at some point in the next few weeks as well as taking her to a theme park with us. She has other friends whose parents are nice, my husband can talk to anyone so he keeps things going with the other parents. There are a few dozen parents who are really nice but I just cannot make small talk so come across as really weird/rude so I leave it down to him now.

Oh and after school clubs are great for social opportunities...for when your little one is in school that is. My daughter does aikido and has a few friends there. Her old drama teacher left/closed the club a while ago and I've only just found a fairly low priced performing arts school so hopefully she'll make more friends there. I'm also trying to get her into beavers (scouts), again to expand her social prospects. Her oldest friend that I mentioned, her mum is one of the leaders so hopefully she can squeeze her in as I know the waiting list is years long. I even said I'd offer to help out if it meant she got in and I can't stand that kind of thing (but again it's forcing myself to do something for her benefit). I did that a few years ago ended up on the pre-school committee and ended up going around the other parents houses every couple of weeks for meetings, got invited out to places and things but it was just too much for me and I gave it up.

So yeah just see what works for you and your baby as he/she grows, it's trial and error really

If there is an organization that sets up play groups in your area, I would contact them now. If you get in just as a group is forming, it will be easier to make a friend among the other moms because the social groups are not yet solidified.

I'm 24 and I have AS and 3 kids, 1, 4 and 6 years old. I find dealing with my kids easy, as long as I keep to fairly rigid rules in regard to discipline and a routine, which tends to suit kids anyway. I did have to make a huge effort to involve myself in some sort of social life for their sake, they have play dates with other kids, though only one other family, I think I'm quite lucky in finding another Mother with kids a similar age who is very extroverted and outgoing (she tends to fill the conversation gaps), but also very accepting when it comes to me (though she doesn't know about the AS). I have to make a huge effort just to get them to school, knowing I am going to get into uncomfortable situations, having to talk to teachers and other Mum's, but I actually think it has helped my social skills a LOT, because rather than avoiding situations I don't like, I have to find a way to deal with them for my kids. I do still find social situations tiring and I long for the holidays when it's just me and the kids and no school, but I'm definitely getting better at dealing with people.

I am a parent. I have a little boy who's just over a year old. I'd say, make sure your little one gets socialization!! I don't like to go out and meet new people so I have to find other ways. I started him at a good day home (do your research to pick a good one) and the care provider there teaches him to interact with other kids and adults. She takes him to story time at the library and to the park to play. Sometimes they ride the bus. That stuff is important and I would never do it myself!

Also, the first couple of months feels like house arrest. It's exhausting and it's hard to get basic chores like grocery shopping done. You never get to go out and just do something by yourself. Unless you want the first five YEARS to feel that way, find a good, reliable babysitter and start leaving your little one with him/her regularly when your kid is about four months old. It's easier to get them used to alternate caregivers and other adults when they're still little enough that they don't really notice. Don't be a hermit and wait until your kid is 11 months old before you go out to see a movie or whatever.

I have AS and my son has autism. What I found hard about being a parent in the early days was he was boring. He did nothing! He just lay there and do nothing. He rarely cried unless he wanted feeding which he had difficulty with so had to start solids at 3 months due to him not being able to drink properly. He also had lots of medical appointments due to his club foot. However as he got older and was able to sit up I found him more interesting. He use to at 7 months build amazing towers to as tall as he could sit and he did this all day long. I took him swimming, gym classes and a few other social groups so he could have interaction with other kids but he wasn't happy unless he was by himself in the corner. I didn't want to push him to be social as it was his choice. I didn't find doing these things a chore as such as it was nice to get out and I liked the routine as well.

As he got older his dad left and we adapted well to the change and then we found a nice nursery for him to go to. He really wasn't happy with one and cried every time I left the second he just zoomed off and didn't even notice that I go! Around this time he got his diagnoses so we had more professionals in our life. However, we still managed to get by. Then we moved to school last september and we have finished reception. He has really enjoyed the first year and has made friends and going to other children birthday parties which I thought he would never do! He still has limited language and you can't have a conversation, he still not toilet trained, but he is a lovely little boy. Now I am expecting with my new partner so it will be nice to see how this one develops. I've done it once, I can do it again and I'm sure you will too. Just remember there isn't just 1 way to do things, find a way to suit you. if your stressed and the baby is crying have a cuppa and unwind for a bit. The baby isn't going anywhere and will still be crying when you get back. Advice from my aunt who had twins.

I am asp and a parent and was also raised by an asp and know what to avoid as it was very difficult growing up...
I have a blog I've just started if you want to check it out..I'm hoping it may help someone

Hrachael85 and its under wordpress. Com

First off, I think you are going to be an awesome mother! The fact that you are not just reading those books but are here asking questions is great ).

After my daughter was diagnosed with aspergers last year, I kind of self-diagnosed. My kids are Dd 11 and Ds 9 now and those ages have their own challenges.

However, looking back to when they were newborns .... I was BLESSED to have help from my mother, husband and mother-in-law! Honestly, I was very exhausted and everything revolved around taking care of my newborn(s). I didn't even take a shower until my husband or other adult was home! We moved in with my mom for 1 month and she took 2 weeks off work to help me and offer support and my husband took some time off too. My husband's job was/is very demanding and he knew I needed my mom. Then we went back home and my MIL lived with us so she helped with cleaning and cooking dinner, she was difficult to live with at times but I am grateful for her help! I breastfed my two babies, but my daughter had colic and it made me strict with my diet, just in case it was something I was eating. My suggestion is to arrange for someone to help you out for at least a month, so all you do is take care of your newborn and yourself. By then, you will be more confident and hopefully able to guess what the cries mean.

As a stay at home mom, my kids became my special interest, but now that they are getting older I am trying to get back to school and work. I wish I would have been able to do some part time jobs or professional volunteer work that would fill the resume void - 11 years! I have a degree, but I don't have any experience besides taking my kids to mommy and me, ballet, gymnastics, swimming, soccer practice, cub scouts, girl scouts, tae kwon do, IEP's, speech therapy, etc... but I feel that being a stay at home mom was the best decision for my family.

Anyways, here are some items that were worth buying.

Rocking chair, helped calm the baby and me.
Classical, calming, music. Just make sure you use the same songs to put the baby to sleep and it will work as they get older. They will recognize it as a sign to sleep- classical conditioning (lol, psych major here)
Stroller, if weather allowed, I'd take a stroll around the neighborhood. Good exercise and fresh air did wonders for my mood!
Infant tylenol, administer it an hour before they get their immunization shots. Seeing your baby get a shot is horrible, you'll feel better if you try to alleviate their pain before the shot, not after.