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Asperger family...could use some help

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lady_katie
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17 Aug 2012, 12:26 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
lady_katie wrote:
So, I took some of the scheduling advice and made myself a daily schedule on a white board. I included some check off boxes for things such as "eat a healthy food". My anxiety seems a lot better since creating this, however I question my ability to consistently follow it. I asked my husband to call me every day at lunch time to make sure I'm following it and give me some accountability pressure, but he has the same problem that I do with consistency, so I doubt he'll do this. But having it in place does seem like it could potentially help.


If you have a smart phone, you could program the more important items into your phone.

If you have a phone that takes text messages, you can use an on-line calendar like AirSet and program it to send you text messages with the most important items.

I am horrible at following a schedule, but I do need reminders and enjoy visuals. Simply creating them helps solidify your goals and approach, and makes you feel more in control. If you don't follow it perfectly, so what. It is still a step in the direction you want to go.


This is a genius idea, and I'm going to figure out how to do this. Today was supposed to be day #1 of my husband's lunch calls, and as I was expecting, he didn't call. Too bad I can't program him lol :wink:



DW_a_mom
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17 Aug 2012, 12:52 pm

lady_katie wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I don't think I really have many ideas that will be helpful in the short term, but I can think of something long term.

Short term: have you looked into new mother's groups? Mine was a lifesaver. Some are good, some aren't, but mine was this wonderful group of women willing to talk about how imperfect we all were and cry together. That was something I needed, to know that all those perfect looking moms I thought I was seeing around me were illusions, and that most new moms struggle. How well it would work for you I'm not sure, because you probably are not a group person. Still, you could get lucky, and so it is something to consider.


I was going to join MOPS a few months ago, but I found out that they were just ending for the summer. I am pretty sure it starts up again soon, maybe I'll give that a try. I hate the idea of trying and failing so much, but I really do want to fit in somewhere, somehow. There's a group at a local church that is for parents of special needs children that meets weekly. I wonder if I might have better luck there, as those people would likely understand my own personal struggles better. I would feel kind of like a phony though, because none of us are diagnosed yet, and at this rate it could take a long time, especially being that my son isn't old enough to be diagnosed anyway. Maybe if I explained all of that they would understand and let me hang out with them anyway :)

DW_a_mom wrote:
Long term: you might be one of those moms who needs something outside of the home. I am. I've been working part time since my kids were born and for me that has been the right choice. Some years the work didn't do much more than pay for the nanny I had hired, but I was never working just for the money. Originally it was because I am in licensed profession so letting myself fall out of it would have simply been foolish; but long term I realized that I needed the adult stimulation and challenge, and having that allowed me to be a better mom on the days I was not working. It is far from a perfect answer, because I was always pulled between the two worlds and never sure how to balance it in the moment, but when I look back I know that having some paid work was something I needed, and not just that, but the extra partner in parenting I got from the nanny was something I benefited from. My kids are 15 and 11 but we still are in contact with the nanny and she's family to all of us; if you do it right, really finding the childcare that suits your child best (as v. your wallet or any other preconceived ideas), there doesn't have to be any guilt in having someone else help you raise your child. I don't know if that would be the right answer for you, but it is something to consider. I know it is hard to let go of the ideal of being 100% with your child all the time, but if you find out it isn't what you are cut out for, and lots of women are not, then you adapt by finding a balance that works a little better for you. Just something to think about.


I feel like I've slowly been coming to this conclusion, to be honest. I've had my heart set on home schooling for years and years, and it's just so devastating to me to think that I might not be able to handle it. I've been working from home for about a year and a half now, and while I thought it would be the perfect solution to balancing my life...I actually hate it. Clients take advantage of me because I'm so easily manipulated and pushed around. I can't find time in the day to get my work done between my needy child and my needy husband (he's AS and he has dependent personality disorder - not sure if I mentioned both of those or not yet)...and neither of them can comprehend that I exist outside of our family setting. Not to mention, it doesn't help with isolation.

Thanks for your support, it really is very helpful to me. I think I will force myself to join some kind of a group, even though I hate the idea of having to socialize.


I hope things work out for you!

Joining groups is hit or miss; you just have to be ready to accept the misses. And not take them to heart; every group truly is different.

Working from home without childcare is the worst of all worlds! I tried that for a few months. Wow, what a myth! Having that work out is the exception, and yet it gets sold as this ideal. The average child will not accept that mom is in the room and not present for them, that is how I summarize it. And why should they? They accept you being out of the house and working much, much better. We get sold on the concept by those lucky few who have these kids who seem completely happy entertaining themselves, but for the rest of us it becomes the worst disaster ever. I give you a lot of credit for sticking with it so long!! !

You know, everything is constantly changing. Who knows if you'll someday be able to home school. You will be a different person in 5 years and so will your child. You just go one step at a time.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Kailuamom
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17 Aug 2012, 1:50 pm

lady_katie wrote:
Kailuamom wrote:
Don't sell by owner.....

The real estate people do so much after the buyer is found. I just went through a purchase where the seller was a PITA and we were calling our agents daily. I would hate to have had no one who knew the rules to turn to.

I am also in marketing, and I think I could pretty up and find a buyer for my home....not sure about the bumpy next steps though.


I plan on hiring an attorney, I'm assuming that I could turn to him with all of those questions, no? And if not, what exactly would I be paying him for than?


It depends on what state you are in.... I am in California and Hawaii. In these states it is not usual to hire an attorney and you would pay them about $400 per hour. If I had to pay my agent $400 per hour for all the time she spent with me - I'm sure it would have been well over the $10,800 received and then had to share with her broker, pay her E&O insurance...

In my state, attorneys would just look at your contracts, not help you negotiate to have the well fixed....

Anyway, my thought is that you don't sound like you are in a great place to add really big things to your list. I would leave any big things to the pro's if/when feeling stressed.

As I'm thinking about it.... When you are busy with a baby...who is going to show your house? Buyers HATE having the homeowner anywhere nearby. It makes them feel very uncomfortable looking in closets and cabinets. You want them to feel comfortable doing this and to take their time in your house. They don't want to hear you fussing with the baby...



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17 Aug 2012, 4:12 pm

Hi, glad you are feeling better :)

At first I was reluctant to go to baby groups, I get a lot of of looks from other Mums as I have a lot of tattoos, piercings and sometimes have bright red dreadlocks! It doesnt make me any less of a Mother or any less deserving of the services out there to help the community. I am also very shy, NT but terminally shy lol! However I had to get out and do things so I joined groups and made some friends. I find the way I look means potential friends are filtered out instantly, if they dont like tattoos they dont talk to me which is ok with me. Eventually, and once I was on anitdepressants I was able to form a group of friends. This expanded, once I knew other Mums I found out about other groups and met more friends and it snowballed. But anyway if thats not your sort of thing thats ok :) I hope you can find a way to get some time to yourself to just chill out and feel refreshed occasionally.



lady_katie
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17 Aug 2012, 4:32 pm

Kailuamom wrote:
lady_katie wrote:
Kailuamom wrote:
Don't sell by owner.....

The real estate people do so much after the buyer is found. I just went through a purchase where the seller was a PITA and we were calling our agents daily. I would hate to have had no one who knew the rules to turn to.

I am also in marketing, and I think I could pretty up and find a buyer for my home....not sure about the bumpy next steps though.


I plan on hiring an attorney, I'm assuming that I could turn to him with all of those questions, no? And if not, what exactly would I be paying him for than?


It depends on what state you are in.... I am in California and Hawaii. In these states it is not usual to hire an attorney and you would pay them about $400 per hour. If I had to pay my agent $400 per hour for all the time she spent with me - I'm sure it would have been well over the $10,800 received and then had to share with her broker, pay her E&O insurance...

In my state, attorneys would just look at your contracts, not help you negotiate to have the well fixed....

Anyway, my thought is that you don't sound like you are in a great place to add really big things to your list. I would leave any big things to the pro's if/when feeling stressed.

As I'm thinking about it.... When you are busy with a baby...who is going to show your house? Buyers HATE having the homeowner anywhere nearby. It makes them feel very uncomfortable looking in closets and cabinets. You want them to feel comfortable doing this and to take their time in your house. They don't want to hear you fussing with the baby...


In my state, it's typical (maybe even required?) to hire an attorney. I hired one when we bought the house and it cost less than a grand total. If I hire a real estate agent, it's going to cost me an extra $8,000. I plan on listing the house on MLS (you can pay to do this) and have the buyers agents show the house for me (offering them a commission). I'm going to buy a combo lock box and take the baby to the park during showings. We've removed our valuables so I feel completely comfortable with this. I expect that the large majority of buyers will have agents, however for the few that don't, I'll give them a brief tour and step outside while I let them peek around on their own. It is more stressful, and I really do want to reduce my stress in general, but 8 grand is a lot of money for us to spend on something that I more or less consider to be a convenience.



miss-understood
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18 Aug 2012, 8:12 am

I just wanted to offer some support lady katie. You have a lot on at the moment, try to look after yourself!
My mantra is "I am an island in a stormy sea" (my sister nearly wets herself when she hears me muttering this) say and repeat. These days I just try to stay calm when things can be disintegrating around me, never easy but very empowering. I'll be saying it for you, "lady katie is an island in a stormy sea..." and hoping things settle for you soon, they always do- eventually...



lady_katie
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18 Aug 2012, 11:28 am

miss-understood wrote:
I just wanted to offer some support lady katie. You have a lot on at the moment, try to look after yourself!
My mantra is "I am an island in a stormy sea" (my sister nearly wets herself when she hears me muttering this) say and repeat. These days I just try to stay calm when things can be disintegrating around me, never easy but very empowering. I'll be saying it for you, "lady katie is an island in a stormy sea..." and hoping things settle for you soon, they always do- eventually...


Thank you for your kind words...I like your mantra :)

Hopefully the sun comes out over this island soon!



lady_katie
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30 Aug 2012, 3:32 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
If you have a smart phone, you could program the more important items into your phone.

If you have a phone that takes text messages, you can use an on-line calendar like AirSet and program it to send you text messages with the most important items.

I am horrible at following a schedule, but I do need reminders and enjoy visuals. Simply creating them helps solidify your goals and approach, and makes you feel more in control. If you don't follow it perfectly, so what. It is still a step in the direction you want to go.


So, I did get around to taking this advice and it's working beautifully! I transferred the white board to my phone and now it alerts me when it's time to do my next task. Simple solutions really go a long way I guess :) I'm going to program my husbands phone too. I think it'll help him out as well.



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31 Aug 2012, 1:00 pm

Somehow I didn't see this on its first go-round, but you sound just like our family when we were starting out...except we had zero idea about autism. DS was an extremely colicky baby, DH was working like a crazy person and I was at the end of my rope, plus we were poor at the time which didn't help.

Before we started our family, I moved a five-hour drive away from my parents for basically the reasons you mentioned. We set a hard-and-fast rule of no visits over holidays, and now they only visit twice a year, which IMO is two times too many, but is relatively manageable.

I think you've gotten some great advice - mine is just that you can do this. It's really hard, get support wherever you can, babysitters, respite care, whatever...but it can be done. The good news is that it changes up periodically, so if a particular phase of parenting/child development is really challenging, just remember it will go away and never come back in a surprisingly short time. This doesn't mean it won't be awful at the time, just that it will, eventually, stop or ease up. (Of course, for every obstacle you get over, there will be a new one, but you get used to that eventually.)

At one, it seems like school is light-years away, but preschool comes up fast...see if there are toddler classes wherever you are or wherever you're going, even if you have to accompany your baby; I know those at least helped break up the days and weeks a bit.

I also joined the Y because they had a babysitting room, and it felt more private to shower there during off-hours with my son at their sitter than it did in my own home. I even worked out, just for the privacy!