Parents Is this abusive?

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Is it possible you can memorize their meanings like whenever your mother telling you to put a load in the washer, put the load in, put in the soap and turn it on?

I find that I learn from experience so I am able to learn other peoples language like if they tell me one thing, I know they mean the other because I have been there a few times and I finally figure out, do all this other stuff when they say X. Same as if they tell me something like "When I say take out the trash, I want you to put in a new trash liner when you come back inside." So I make a note in my head that when that person tells me to take out the trash, I also have to put in the new trash liner.

Last edited by League_Girl on 03 Sep 2012, 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's a lot of things to learn!

It might help if we knew what you do know about each of those tasks. It would also help to know what your therapist has done that has been helpful for you.

Also, "allergen free" is a very broad category of food. What sort of allergies do you have? Some are easier to cook around than others.

Here is a place to start. It won't be perfect, but at least you can read this to help you see what you need more help with.

My husband mows the lawn, so I probably won't have much to say on that, other then there are different kinds of mowers: Gas powered, push mowers, electric...etc. There is also maintenance on the equipment and gas mowers have instructions about how to fill them etc. Instructions depend on what equipment you have.

With cooking, what kind of allergies do you have, and what foods do you like? I would recommend cooking videos, but the tricky part is going to be finding videos that do not skip steps to save time, and that do not have fancy techniques or ingredients. You can also learn to substitute ingredients, but I think at first we should try to find you things you do not need to adapt. Alton Brown on Foodnetwork.com has some good videos that tend not to leave too much out, but sometimes he gets more fussy then you probably want to be.

Do you prefer baths or showers? Most adults take showers but sometimes Aspies prefer baths for sensory reasons? Would your parents yell at you for "wasting water" if you go with a bath?

Driving is going to require in-person help. Do you have a relative or friend who will you help you? Make sure you read your manual. and understand the rules. Try to find someone with an automatic transmission, because there are fewer things you need to be able to do at once. You need to make sure that you follow the instructions of whoever takes you, and I would definitely practice in an empty parking lot, first, and that whoever takes you needs to be confident in your abilities before you practice in the street. Then I would start out with very quiet, empty side streets, first before moving on to roads with more traffic, and build up slowly so you gain competence and confidence.

Here are 2 links about doing laundry. The most important thing is to read the labels of clothing, first, to make sure that you do not wash something that is dry clean only, or wash something the wrong way. Also when you are done with the drying step, your parents may expect you to fold the clothes and either put them in the appropriate drawers/closet etc. or for other family members at least put the (folded) clothes on their beds, The may also expect ironing. Let us know if that is the case. When you put in the fabric softener, depends on what kind you use, When in doubt, always read the label on the container. The amount of detergent will depend on how much clothing is in the washer. Your detergent bottle/box may show that, or you can look on the inside of your washer. Newer washers require HE (high efficiency) detergent. I am telling you this for when you go out on your own. Older machines will use regular detergent. Let us know if there are any details missing here, that you need to know about, like if your family requires bleach or something.


http://laundry.about.com/od/laundrybasi ... aundry.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Do-Laundry

For balancing a checkbook:
http://www.wikihow.com/Balance-a-Checkbook
http://financialplan.about.com/od/banki ... ckbook.htm

Taking out trash:
Some trash bags have handles, some have twisty ties. Whichever type they buy, make sure the bag is closed well, so garbage does not leak out. Also, let us know if you have to sort recyclables or anything like that. You ideally want to take the trash out the morning of pick up, so the trash does not attract animals, but sometimes you can get away with doing it the night before. Also, since you family has a lid (we lost ours) add to the following instructions that after you put the garbage in the can, put the lid on it. Also move the can to the appropriate place for pick up. (These instructions do not make that clear. because they seem to do be taking the garbage to a dumpster at an apartment complex, instead of taking the garbage to an outside garbage can, and moving the garbage can to the appropriate place. When the garbage is picked up, you will probably be expected to move the can and the lid to wherever your family stores the outside garbage can before garbage day.

http://www.wikihow.com/Take-out-the-Trash

I do not have a pet, but I found these:

http://www.wikihow.com/Wash-a-Dog
http://www.wikihow.com/Give-a-Small-Dog-a-Bath


As far as time management goes, I am really horrible at this, but you should start by estimating how much time things take you. Write these things down. Then the next time you have to do one of the things on your list, time it. Write that down, too, so that you have an estimate and an actual time for each thing. This will help you know how good you are at estimating this. You will get better after practicing. You will get faster at the tasks after practicing, too. Then once you know your actual times, this will help you plan your day. You can write yourself a schedule.

I know this is a lot, and I know some of those links did not include absolutely everything, so they may be confusing. I think it is a good place to start.

I've had something I call "punishment baiting" happen. That's when my parents set a trap to have me do something punishable, then inflicted the punishment. I'm using that word loosely; it can be anything from a few minutes of yelling to things like spanking or a week with no TV. Here are some examples. If anyone cares to analyze, feel free.

Example 1:
I was making a paper clock (analog), using colored paper, cardboard, and glue. At one point, I spilled glue all over the kitchen table. My parents took it away.
Parents: We've had enough!! ! No more glue for you!! !
Aspie1: But how will I finish this clock? I still need to stick on the rest of the numbers.
Parents: Use your snot!
Aspie1: <blows nose, and sticks on a number with snot>
Parents: <SPANK> Get away from the table now!! !
Then they scooped up the unfinished clock, crumpled it, and threw it in the trash, while I ran off crying.

Example 2:
My parents were going over my schoolwork.
Aspie1: (mumbles) I shouldn't have lied said I forgot the worksheet; then I wouldn't get that F.
Parents: Repeat what you just said!
Aspie1: (regular voice) I shouldn't have lied and said I forgot the worksheet; then I wouldn't get that F.
Parents: Our son is a liar!! ! Not only does he not do his homework, he also lies to a TEACHER!! ! Forget about cartoons tonight!! ! You're going sit all evening and study, right in front of me!! ! I will make sure of that!! !
Aspie1: (thinking) They just set me up because they enjoy punishing me.
For some reason, my parents viewed my primary school teacher as practically a goddess; in real life, she was nice to parents and mean to students. Mine were none the wiser.

There are more examples, but they're all similar enough. And they seem to go along with what the OP described: parents not giving clear instructions, then punishing the child for not following them.

This is a very unfortunate and sad example of parents not understanding that their child has pragmatic language deficits. Most kids would know that "Use your snot!" was not really a suggestion. It is an example of a grown-up's inability to control their own temper. "Use your snot!" is an example of passive-aggressive, ineffective communication and it really means "You will not be finishing the clock, and I don't care!"

In my house, my children would have been told to clean up the spilled glue before finishing the clock. If they were younger, I would have not left them using glue unsupervised, and if I would have and they spilled it, I would have given myself a silent verbal bashing for not properly supervising them.



IMHO, this is simply ineffective parenting. First of all, if they asked you to admit that you shouldn't have lied and tell them why, then they should have immediately worked through what to do the next time so you didn't have the same problem. Then, if you had lied in the past, they should have invoked whatever punishment you had previously agreed upon "As we have discussed before, you will not be able to watch cartoons tonight because you lied." If this was the first time you lied, they should have said "The next time you lie about your schoolwork, you will not be able to watch cartoons that evening. Do you understand?" Both of those statements in a calm voice. Screaming does not help.

If you offered up that you lied without being asked to, you should have been praised for being truthful and having the integrity to come forward. Something like "You did the right thing by letting us know that you lied. However, lying is a very serious offense in this house. We need to be able to trust you to tell us the truth. What do you think should happen next?"

FWIW, my son usually picks very good punishments for himself. They are usually logical and tied to the infraction.

I'm sorry these things happened to you, and I think they are probably at least as related to your parent's ineffective parenting skills as they are to your autism. You shouldn't feel bad.

Aspie1 I believe snot can make excellent glue

Update:***
I have finally snapped and told my parents that I pay for my own rent, utilities, and things like that, and I believe that they dont havea right to tell me todo things NOW and they dont have a right to use the fear tactics of "when you get old enough, whose going to take care of you? your roomate or whomever wouldnt like you being a slob". Then I tell them if your going to use that tactic well " Your my Social Security Payee, and according to my papers, you guys(as in parents) have to take care of me(its on my papers), and I do somethings around the house, I just CANT and WONT be able to do them normally. I am in school, take care of my neighbors kids/house(sometimes), work,cook(somethings), clean(somethings) and you WONT use the excuse of **"well when I was your age I had kids, a husband/wife, was working, and still take care of the WHOLE house with NO help". "You CHOOSE to do those things"(and even then their parents took care of the kids most of the time, and helped them with working and house chores).
"However I am WILLING to learn some things you both want to show me, granted that you dont call me names and dont take things away from me, on my own time(as in afterwork)."
Then I turned around and walked away(after they just stared and said nothing for 2 whole minutes) and because of that, they called me a "disrespectful idiot and brat" later on, even though THEY are the ones who wanted to talk origiainally*** and logically bring out their points to me about this discussion. (Which they did bring up their own personal opinions/beliefs, which arent FACTS, but I still listented to them(
How is it that Im the "disrespectful idiot and brat" especially when I just brought up the facts)
Also my parents are MAJOR deniers of things. (They deny, denying things and stuff they have PROVEN to have done).

Accroding to my psyciatrist and psychologist my parents arent CLEAR on their communication anyway. Like they sayy on Thursdays come at 10:30 to do this and this. So I come at 10:30 Thursday and they say oh youshould come later, and it changes week to week, and even day to day....
Apparently one is supposed to "cover certain things only sometimes", and if you dont get what they mean or ask for clarifiation you get called "ret*d", even they they say(and have said) to ask for clarification if you have any questions on anything....???

Is that supposed to be a joke? o.o

Also mymother says "I never offer to do anything around the house" (and my dad always agrees with her,no matter what), even though me and my pyschologist have proven that I do offer to do things every day for her, and she says "no,I got it", and then complains "Im tired,andI NEVER get help around here". HELLO she wont let me do anything(she pushes me out of the way when she says "no, I got it").
My dad is different he hands you things to do, like puts a vacuum in the room, or puts laundry on the floor and apparently Imsupposed to know what to do with it. I ask him and I get called "dumb, and any normal person would know what to do with it" and leaves the room before I can say anything, thenhe comes back and says "why hasnt this been done, or why hasnt it been done right?" and then gets mad and takes things away from me.... Even though I said "I asked you earlier what do you want done withthis" .Usually his response is "you never asked that, or the your a dumb sh**"

Grumble I know were poor and I cant afford to live anywhere else,but how do I deal with this,and grow up(But still be child-like)?

Yeah....

Here is what I am guessing. Your family wants you to do things to save them time. They do not want to invest in the time in the beginning to teach you things in a way that you can learn. Your mom does not want you to help with certain things, because she knows you have not been taught, and she does not want to take the time to teach you or redo it, if it is not to her liking. That would take more time. To her, this is like not being offered help because it is not the help she wants. That is her own fault for not teaching you. It is not your fault.

Your dad sees to be even worse, and just dumps the stuff on you with no explanation. They get mad that you cannot do things to help them save time, even though it is their fault for not teaching you - or getting you more professional help, so someone else can teach you, if it that they do not know how to teach things to you.

You may need help from your therapist to help you explain to them, or maybe they can attend a session with you, so they know what they need to do.

Based on my understanding if you are getting Social Security that is paid directly to them (Is that right?) they know that they are financially benefiting from your issues. Yes? If it were not for your issues they would get less money, right? So maybe part of this is that they do not want to help you be self-sufficient because you bring in more money than you cost them, especially if you also give them money from your jobs that you do. Do you get to keep any of your own money? This sounds exploitative and abusive, if they are financially benefiting from how they treat you. If you are giving them money, then you should not have to do so much work, anyway.

You have to be a little careful, if you have no alternatives to living where you are, but I would ask your therapist for help getting out. You need to know from her/him what skills you need, and what options there are near you. Even a group home might be better, than where you are, but you need to find out from your therapist. Ideally, your money should go to you, or at least not to them...unless there are things I am not understanding.

Update, my dad FINALLY met my psychologist(S) today, who has explained to him that he cant deny things, nor yell, nor take things away from me. He isto give an EXACT date and time, with a SOFT voice telling me what he wants done, in a STEP BY STEP manner. He agreed to this(while my mom was gone with her church friends today), and we actually got some things done around the house. When my mom came home, all the animals were fed, the floor was slept and mopped, the lauandry was done. (he came up with a GOOD list for me), vacuuming done, room cleaned up, and bed made.
He is(and so is mymother) thinking about assinging chore days with chore times. My dad now knows that he cant expect me to drop what Imdoing right when I get home just to please him. He also knows that if mother(gma) is gone that he is going to have to make his own food, take care of the yard, windex, dust things, and clean the bathrooms. As I have not mastered these things yet.


My mother knows and will be handeling the times and dates, and giving me plenty of notice(unless its an emergency) of changed plans. Like for Tomorrow(morning) and Thursday, Sunday I will NOT be home, so were rearranging things to be taught this week.
However we havent come upwith a detailed list of how to cook things(mainly preparation, clean up and not taking the instructions literally), how to clean the bathroom/litterboxes/batheing, how to take care of the yard better(I help take care of the garden and help feed myneighbors animals), dust and windex things?

Any ideas?

Also using MS money and a checkbook is an issuefor me? (that my parents are completely clueless about how to teach me about,however I do better with the checkbook,then the nightmare called "MS Money")
Id like to add that Im going to be doing online drivers ed? Will this get me my Permit? I cant afford an instructor. Also how do I tell if the site is legit?(online drivers ed that is)

That is definitely an improvement. Hopefully they will keep it up and not relapse into doing things as before. I do think it is interesting that your dad tried to get you to make his food for him, when he should be perfectly capable of doing this on his own. Does he have issues with getting chores done, too? Why do you have to take care of neighbor's animals? I do think you still have too many chores, but it does sound better than it was.

Here is a link for doing your checkbook:
http://www.wikihow.com/Balance-a-Checkbook

An online driving course sounds like a waste of money, but I do not know what is involved in it. Does it just prepare you for the written test so you can get the permit? How would it help you drive? Does it have simulation software? That does not sound like enough. Someone has to help you drive an actual car, in person. Each car handles differently and you have to get a feel for when to brake etc. You need to start out in an empty parking lot and then try on roads. Will anyone help you with that?

This is EXACTLY what we do with my PDD-NOS 19yr old. We have even laminated instructions for hair-washing and body care and posted them in the shower.

Checklists seem to work well b/c they are step by step by step.

I would definitely suggest giving this a shot; I've suggested this to people who aren't on the spectrum as well. For myself, for example, I'm pretty forgetful, so I often make these same kinds of checklists just as a backup to make sure I don't miss something.

Ok we havent come up witha list, because it didnt work. It was everything her way on said list or the high way. So finally after much consideration, a bit of yelling,(but mainly peaceful talking) we came up with something like "you talk softly to me, and tell me what you want me to do, give detail in short steps, and say I need this done by such and such". If I cant do it for some reason, Im just going to talk to them about it and compromise.

After having many tests, we have discovered that I suck at remembering what I see visually, and what I hear is best.

SO far since implementing these things into my life, things for the most part have been peaceful. As far as driving goes, well my mother knows to remind me when were going to have our driving session, and NOT YELL because I have a visual spatial reaction delay if she thinks Im going to hit something, she tells me to ease over to the left softly now instead of scream it.(This in turn puts me in a very bad mood, and nothing productive gets done during the day).