Feeling like a fraud

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as high functioning and smart as my son is, he has REAL issues and there are NO guarantees he will be indapendant as an adult. In fact, I have extrmemly lowered my expectations for him, and seriously worried that he will be a functioning adult. He is so defiant and oppositional, if he continues this path he will not be able to hold a job, not be able to stay in a relationship, etc...so he is extremely intelligent and high functioning but has a slew of issues that if they continue will hold him back in life.

As an adult with Asperger's I can really relate to your feelings. I often feel as if I'm "not autistic enough" and have actually had people say that I don't seem very autistic. It's a strange thing to feel guilty about as we all have our struggles. I'm relatively independent, have a job, husband and child, but I have no friends and really haven't as an adult. I struggle with socializing on a very serious level. I have a whole bunch sensory issues that make daily life sometimes exhausting. But I guess I've learned to pass to a degree that many people find it hard to believe that I'm autistic. It's frustrating but I think we each need to just carry on and try not to pay much mind to those people who want to play the "my leg hurts more than yours" game (as my daughter used to call it).

I have a daughter who is NT, and advanced emotionally & academically for her age. So, I am actually on both sides of the fence. One of the things that has always bothered me was the comparison of my children - both - to other children.

TBH, I have been very guilty of this myself. However, and I know you did not mean it the way it came out, what has bothered me in the past was the dismissal of my child and I had only myself to blame. Because, 99.99% of the time, other people - be they riends or relatives or members of the community - were dismissing my son, SOLELY based on the things that I say about him.

Parenting any child is difficult. Parenting a non-verbal child is the hardest, most-thankless job in the world. You feel so alone, so down and so defeated. So, when you end up in a parent group, you talk a lot because talking / venting is cathartic. I have done this myself many, many, many times in the past. AND, I have ALWAYS managed to successfully make my child look a LOT worse than he actually is. I ended up getting a lot of empathy, but it was my son's expense. Most of MY negativity came from my son's school's dismissal of him. It was only after he started preschool that I became so negative and so dejected. So, these days, I do not discuss my son freely at support groups. I use these forums, instead, to vent my frustrations as anonymously as I possibly can. I go to support groups, solely to learn how to help my son progress. I do NOT share my concerns about him or my fears for him freely anymore with ANYONE in real life.

My point of this long ramble is that the mother in question may have done what I was previously doing. That is why she came across as both optimistic and dejected, at the same time. I do not want to use the term "realistic" because I do not believe that being in diapers at age 6 or being non-verbal at age 6 means that he is doomed FOR LIFE. Miracles happen. It may not happen overnight, but he will make progress. I know of one mother in the community whose son spoke at age 13 and toilet trained at age 11. He is now an auto-mechanic, and has a small circle of friends. No, he is not married, but so what ? So, I feel uncomfortable with the idea that "realistically", his making progress or having friends is a "bonus". AND, I get that SHE was the one who gave you that idea. You probably would not have decided this for yourself about someone else's child, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

She may have been overwhelmed, and, if I am this energized and insistent on getting my son to talk as he is just past 3, I can only imagine her frustrations at her child not talking at 6. This depression and negativity came from SOMEWHERE and it probably did NOT originate in her, because most parents believe the best of their kids, until an alleged "authority" (like a school "psychologist") comes along and rains on their parade. It then becomes a vicious cycle. You share your fears with others and then they all start picking up on it and perpetuate the dismissal of your child. I know, because I went to my son's developmental pediatrician to fight his diagnosis of MR from the school, and the next thing I know, his medical records contain the words "AT RISK FOR MR". So much for seeking validation from a PHYSICIAN who supposedly is board certitied in DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICS. Point taken, lesson learned.

She should not be giving up hope this soon and should not be freely discussing the negatives with others. We are all human, after all, and this is not our child. I hope she learns this soon and corrects herself, especially with people that she interacts with in REAL LIFE.

My mother did not talk until she was 3, and she had problems with articulation, until age 9. HOWEVER, she overcame her early struggles, and ended up retiring as a Vice President at a large financial institution recently. In the 50s, however, they simply dismissed her as being deaf / mute, when her speech failed to develop at age 3 ! So, there is always hope. People have been known to talk much beyond normal milestones and your friend should hold on to hope because her negativity is self-perpetuating.

She should also focus on self-help skills. Even if he eventually learns to speak, he will never be truly independent as an adult if he is not toilet-trained, cannot feed or dress himself, or cannot get from Point A to Point B on his own. And self-help skills can be learned, regardless of verbal skills or social skills. She should not give up hope... Nothing is set in stone until the day one takes one's final breath.

HisMom, Please don't get the impression that I was dismissive of a non-verbal child. It was just the feeling I got from the Mum was that she knew there was a possibility that she might be caring for her son, as an adult. She was a very positive person, despite what must be going on in her mind. If I was in her position, I'd be doing everything in my power to ensure my child had the best opportunities he could possibly have, like you are doing. That's the way it is for me and it would be the same no matter what my child was like. I'm sure she listened to the other Mum, who was telling her to push for support. But, her expectations, at the moment, are lower than mine and I think that's understandable. Hopefully, things will change as he gets older and gets all the support he can get. Perhaps my expectations are too high as well. Maybe I'm the one who'll be caring for an adult daughter. Who knows?

From time to time I wonder what my daughter really will be like as an adult. Like your son, she's very intelligent and that should help a great deal. But, she's particularly oppositional (which is the main difference between me and her) and I worry about her holding down a job too. She wants to be a book illustator, so I'm hoping this works out for her and her personality doesn't impact too much on her job prospects.

Perhaps she can do this freelance? I doubt I could hold down a traditional job but I've had great luck being self-employed. (I like to consider myself strongly opinionated and persistent rather than oppositional but it probably amounts to the same thing. )

No, no. I didn't say you were dismissive, what I was trying to say was that you got an impression of the child, based on what Mom told you. This was a huge validation of what I had always experienced. My post was really directed more to this mother than to you. I shared my experience with you, in hopes that you would share MY story with her (if you keep in touch with her, of course). I had a sense of déjà vu, as I read your post, and just wanted to help a fellow Mom of a non-verbal child, with a heads-up from me.

Thanks !

Thanks for your insight. I have my own issues too. I don't have a diagnosis, but came to realise that I was possibly on the spectrum, through my searches to find out what was going on with my daughter. The fact that my daughter has been identified at a fairly young age has given me hope that she'll get support and life will work out better for her than it has for me.

On the surface, I have a good life - no money worries, a good husband and a delightful girl. But, I don't work for more reasons than just being exhausted with parenting. I'm a nervous wreck in the workplace. I have extreme social anxiety which isn't at all obvious to anyone (used to have selective mutism until my early 20s). I never fitted in anywhere, can't understand what anyone is going on about on the phone and often in face to face situations and I can't approach managers, resulting in work piling up and bosses being constantly on my back. I have sensory and concentration issues and cyclical ups and downs too, but I just come across as lazy and, on occasions, unfriendly. The friends I speak about in this thread are no more than my next door neighbour and a Mum I meet at an after-school class (we do chat for an hour each week, so she counts as a friend in my book). Other than a few people who are in fact my husband's friends, I have one actual friend and I've only known her for 3 years. I haven't come close to the expectations my parents had for the little 3yr old who could read like a 10yr old, although they are proud of me, no matter what I do.

But, I have hopes for my daughter (without being a pushy Mum who lives her life through her child).

I understand. I didn't want to cause any offence at all and just wanted to be clear that I didn't think that about the boy or any other non-verbal kids (Einstein was non-verbal until he was 4, I believe). I might see the Mum on Friday, at another seminar, and I will try to pass on what you've said.

I am so thankful for this group.

I am going to relish this few minutes of feeling completely "normal" while they last!