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earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 2:49 pm

momsparky wrote:

We talk a lot about our goal of DS being an independent adult...but I fully recognize that we have no idea what will happen.

However, social services are there for families of the disabled - I hope both the posters above take full advantage of them. IMO, it is one of the best uses of our tax dollars that exists.

I would appreciate it if you could point me to even one of those "social services"

And what do you do if the adult person refuses to go?

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MMJMOM
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05 Feb 2013, 2:50 pm

As a parent, everything I do for my son is to prepare him for the future. I think of it ALL THE TIME!! ! What if he never changes? What if he is like this as an adult? Can he hold down a job? Have a family, find a place in society?

People tell me my son will be just fine. What parent doesnt want to hear that? My son is very intelligent, social, sweet, friendly, etc...he just needs "fine tuning" I have heard that more then once. He needs t o learn to follow directions, rules, social skills, common sence, handle frustration, changes in routine, etc..

But in the back of my head is what if he doesnt? What if he never gets it? He is only 7 now but wont be forever! I have him in many programs, groups, and have him work with therapists to learn how to better handle his emotions, learn social skills, etc.

I will never stop, I will fight for him and with him, always having his future in the front of my mind. My ultimate goal is for him to be happy and be able to live an indapendent life. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me as long as its LEGAL...lol,

It is amazing how our childrens goals change. OF COURSE I want him to go to college, get a degree, good paying job. if any of that happens it will be icing on the cake. My ultimate goal is still the same, live indapendent and be happy and I will be THRILLED!! !

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Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 2:54 pm

....

Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 3:10 pm

MMJMOM wrote:

7 is incredibly early and you are blessed to have the help so early. Early help for AS kids is good (now) but it all evaporates as they get older.

My son was diagnosed as ADD back when that's all they diagnosed everyone to be. (When you only have a hammer, every problem is a nail) The school tested him more than a lab rat and kept telling me to put him on Ritalin. Problem is, the symptoms of ADD did not fit him. I pointed that out and they just shrugged and said "that's all we've got". He could not function in school, they would not provide extra support or help or classes, and he stopped going at all in 8th grade.

Since then has been a series of ANYTHING he is interested in I support. He's held a string of fast food and call center jobs (and been fired from each one) and I put out money for each new interest (as much as I possibly can) but it doesn't amount to anything. He smokes, in a home that is strictly no smoking, and drinks (during which he has broken things in the house that neither he nor I can repair) So the house is being torn up and not fixed, and it stinks - badly.

Imagine the quirks of the little kid and amplify them to a grown man who behaves like a little kid, only has access to things like alcohol and cigarettes, and outweighs you....

I myself am an Aspie. I am high functioning in that I've held corporate programming and technical jobs, had a family (4 kids) and support them all. My son's father is undiagnosed something - I would guess autistic - totally anti social (he's also diabetic and since he refused to treat that problem he is going blind and has kidney problems, and continues to eat sugar all throughout the day in total denial). He has been the shining example to the son of how to mooch off me, not pay a thing, not contribute to the household and just be cared for. It's 2 of them and one of me and I'm wearing out because I literally do everything. I'm the only one who drives, works, shops, cleans. It's been like this for more than 30 years. The other 3 grew up and started lives. I'm left with these 2 and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

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earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 3:22 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

.do you even know what autism is? --- yes

not trying to be offensive but a lot of that while frusterating isn't exactly suprising with autism kind of sounds like what it might look like if someone was on the lower functioning end of the spectrum...Maybe it would be a good idea to look into some autism resources online, --- that's why I'm here

some here may have some advice though not so sure how well most people here will take the post as there are autistic people here to --- I am an Aspie and frankly, I posted this in the Parent's Discussion. If you are a child who is autistic, know that this is posted with the hope of Parent's viewing it.

and there is already enough about how much we burden our families and this and that so it is a little bit hurtful even if you aren't necessarily talking about every single individual with autism. --- If you find it hurtful, and if you are a child who is AS and is supported by your parents, then examine your relationship and ask yourself "Do I tell them thank you for what they do for me?"
"Do I do all that I can to contribute to the household?" If you don't know, ask. Ask your parent if there are things you can do to help. Find anything at all that adds to the home and does not cause more problems for your parent. Even if it's a regular chore like taking out the trash, washing the dishes, cleaning out the car, anything you are capable of - do it so you are a functioning asset to the family and not a black hole that sucks resources and energy from everyone. Truly handicapped persons are not capable of doing most physical things like those, but a willing spirit always finds a way to be helpful.

I'm not talking about truly handicapped people here. I'm talking about physically functional, mentally alert (incredibly smart) but quirky and from my point of view, someone who has simply given up. As he ages he just realizes those opportunities are gone by and he isn't even trying. He dresses in rags, I buy him new clothes. Most of the time you would mistake him for someone living under a bridge. NOTHING that I say or do has changed that.

I personally am applying for SSI to be less of a strain on my parents(since for now yeah they kind of have to help me out a little with money) not much and kind of far in between and I live at my moms house and eat the food which her boyfriend never fails to remind me he buys the majority of...but I feel I am functional enough to manage the money I'd get with SSI well enough and keep myself and living space clean enough on my own. Someone less functional might need more support but I am not really sure what sort of options for that there are...though I get the impression its harder to find much help or support for adults with autism. --- Good for you for taking a step and applying for SSI. I don't have a clue how to do that, and I don't have a medical diagnosis (and can't get one - AND he won't go if I can find someone. We have discussed this at length hundreds of times. He refuses to admit that anything is wrong and is humiliated that I would suggest going for a diagnosis. As a grown adult man, I can't make him)

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Fnord
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05 Feb 2013, 3:36 pm

When I turned 14, my dad told me that I had 4 years to prepare for moving out and living on my own. I left a week after graduation.

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 3:49 pm

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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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05 Feb 2013, 4:04 pm

earthmom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

When I turned 14, my dad told me that I had 4 years to prepare for moving out and living on my own. I left a week after graduation.

That's good. And it's wonderful that you were able to do that.

Not really ... my sisters were allowed to stay well into their 20s.

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 4:30 pm

Fnord wrote:

earthmom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

When I turned 14, my dad told me that I had 4 years to prepare for moving out and living on my own. I left a week after graduation.

That's good. And it's wonderful that you were able to do that.

Not really ... my sisters were allowed to stay well into their 20s.

Are they better off overall?

I don't think that staying in the parent's home is such a good thing or should be seen as "allowed". It can be crippling, especially once it goes beyond the hopeful stage when most young people are starting out and have things they want to do.

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Fnord
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05 Feb 2013, 5:26 pm

earthmom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

earthmom wrote:

Fnord wrote:

When I turned 14, my dad told me that I had 4 years to prepare for moving out and living on my own. I left a week after graduation.

That's good. And it's wonderful that you were able to do that.

Not really ... my sisters were allowed to stay well into their 20s.

Are they better off overall?

No idea. I haven't spoken to them since our father's funeral 10 years ago.

ASDMommyASDKid
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05 Feb 2013, 5:28 pm

I think it really does depend on the kid. Baby birds leave the nest when they are able to fly. The mommy bird may have to nudge the baby out, but the baby bird is capable of flight. I don't think we'd view the proverbial story the same way if the baby bird did not have functional wings.
(I am guessing nature is not necessarily kind to developmentally delayed baby birds, but I am not going there for obvious reasons--so I am sticking with the relatively benign proverb.)

That doesn't make it any easier for you, I know. Is there anything like a group living situation he could get into, where he could be supervised and given some life skills? (I am guessing not, but I am asking, anyway)

My son is only seven, so I have no idea what resources, if any, are out there, for you respite-wise or otherwise. Hopefully someone with more knowledge of this will be able to post something. You say that your son's father is also very dependent. Was he always that way? Is he at all capable of dealing with your son so you can take some kind of break; maybe crash with a relative or friend for a bit...?

What kind of stuff does your son break? (This seems to be a major issue) Does he break it in anger? Is it by accidental or because he is not careful? Is there a way you could lock things that are breakable in a room he cannot unlock? (The closest thing I can think to baby proofing for an adult--we still baby proof for our 7 year old, but he is much shorter than an adult, so I can just put delicate things high up, for now.)

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05 Feb 2013, 5:35 pm

League_Girl wrote:

StrayCat wrote:

EDIT:

Quote:

He smokes, in a home that is strictly no smoking, and drinks (during which he has broken things in the house that neither he nor I can repair) So the house is being torn up and not fixed, and it stinks - badly.

That is a good reason to kick your kid out, AS or not. To hell with their disability.

A loving, responsible parent would find someplace else for their child; maybe a group home where they're equipped to deal with him? I just cannot hear you say these things and think positively about you as a parent. I could never throw my child out on the street, respect sadly knowing they had a disability. The reason it offends me so much is because your attitude reminds me of my mother's. I got kicked out because I wore black clothes and vinyl pants, and listened to Marilyn Manson....and was a reminder of her first marriage, which ended when my adoptive Dad died.
I'm sorry, you're just coming across really mean to me. You have you're reasons, but I don't understand you.

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 5:54 pm

....

Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

earthmom
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05 Feb 2013, 6:00 pm

....

Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

League_Girl
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05 Feb 2013, 6:09 pm

StrayCat wrote:

League_Girl wrote:

StrayCat wrote:

EDIT:

Quote:

That is a good reason to kick your kid out, AS or not. To hell with their disability.

Maybe because I have had a bad experience? I tried helping him but he always blew me off, always had excuses and everything. Now I have low tolerance for any slobs and rude and inconsiderate people. especially smokers and drinkers and destroy the house. And the OP said about not having any money to keep paying for their care so I assume it means having to pay for their group home. Seriously, what do you expect someone to do in that position? Suffer? What if he was abusing her too like beating her and threatening her and she wasn't safe? So I would go the "mean" way and kick him out. I am sure my own mother would do the same too if I were like that.

Also, were you a smoker or a drinker? Did you destroy your parents property? Did you steal from them? Did you abuse them? Were you rude or disrespectful to them? Did you help clean up after yourself? If you answers no to all of them but the last one, I don't see why this would hit close to home with you. I would never toss my child out unless they were that bad like the OP listed and what examples I listed.

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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.

ASDMommyASDKid
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05 Feb 2013, 6:22 pm

I think you could probably use professional guidance. This sounds like a very complicated situation. I would try to look up the local autism society chapter and see if they can refer you to someone.

Aside from that, I think I would stop doing anything that you do not have to do, for your own sanity. If your son does not work, or do chores why not let him sleep all day? Not as a reward to him, mind you, but just so you don't have to deal with it. It sounds like extra work that does not benefit you. I am still not sure if a break is not called for. If they can get beer and cigs, they can get food. They are already trashing the place, so I don't know how much worse it would get if you took a "break" for awhile. I am guessing that is part of why you don't crash somewhere else for a bit of a mental health break.

This sounds very hard.

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