Helping 12 year old boy stay on task.

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Oh, my, sorry to hear you've had such a bad time.

In part, he may be playing you (hate to admit that, I consider it rare with AS kids, but they are still kids). In part, he may be reacting to the stress of the changes in his life. In part, he may be telling you that you are asking more from him than he has to give right now.

What I would recommend is giving him the feeling of more control over his life by any combination of the following:
1. Let him look over the schedule and make suggestions that would improve it for him. Remind him that a lot of factors have to come together before any changes can be implemented, but do your best to accomodate as many as make sense.
2. Give him choices between 2 or 3 assignments at each sitting. Let him decide which he is "in the mood" to work on.
3. Talk with him about the purpose of the TV rule, and then decide together what would be a reasonable number of passes to hand out per week, that he could use to switch the channel. He'll have to understand and agree that once the passes are gone, they are gone.
4. Maybe a few passes for some of his study periods, too.
5. And so on.

Remember that it isn't the end of the world he skips a little math today as long as he realizes he will have to do it eventually, and can't let it pile up too far. Remember that it isn't the end of the world if you lower some goals a bit and let him goof off a little bit more, especially if it means he comes to the table more ready to learn. You are looking for the unique balance that works for him, and teaching him to make wise choices. This is an important age for kids to feel they have control of their lives, in my experience, so whatever you can do to give him that sense should help.

A few thoughts...

Sorry to say, math seems to be the thing you need to spend time on with him. You need to figure out what the problem is. My son has slow processing which greatly effects math. He understands concepts quickly but hates math with a passion. I assume he will mature over time but there is nothing I can do to speed him up. He has proven he knows the whole multiplication table from 1x1 to 16X16. This was included in the material he memorized the title memory master for a certain program. He accomplished this for three years. But out of order he takes forever to retrieve a multiplication fact. I have to do math with him. I like momsparky's idea of giving him the multiplication table as a support when he's doing fractions and decimals etc.

BTW, there are TONS of math practice games on the internet if that's what you really want. Time4Learning was not useful for math (now that i think of it) b/c my son refused to write anything down. He did it all in his head, and couldn't.

On opposition you just wrote about, it sounds very much like how my son used to be. I just wrote on another thread that he has improved to a huge degree by changing his diet. That might sound difficult, but I am SOOOOOOO glad I tried it. My son is gluten and dairy free. (We were already used to whole foods and such, so we also don't eat foods with additives and we avoid sugar. ) My son still hates math but it's nothing like it used to be.

Good luck.

Is there a way that you can arrange the schedule so that you can sit right with him to do the math? I know you are trying to conserve time, but it seems like a lot of it is being wasted in the struggle and you might be able to eliminate that if you just sat with him and kept him on task.

I suck at math. My son sucks at math. My daughter sucks at math. It really can make you feel stupid. Everyone else seems to get it, but you. It seems so logical and straightforward, so when you can't recall math facts or get messed up with where you are in a problem, it is exceedingly frustrating and very demoralizing. I totally get why my kids can't do it "alone." It is painful. When I sit with them when they do their math, I really don't do much more than sit there, and give bits of encouragement along the way "Yes, that was right!" or stop them from going down the wrong path "Wait! What are you supposed to do with that extra 1?" I think that me sitting there helps give them confidence. I think it also lets them know that I get it: Math is ridiculously and unfairly difficult for some people. I am on their side.

Regarding the rest of the non-compliance, I know all kids are different, but how we tend to deal with stuff like that is when we are NOT in the heat of the moment, we sit down and make a plan that we both agree to. I tend to be rather accommodating and...loose?...during this part. I take what they say into consideration and use as much of what they are suggesting as I can. Then--again, when we are not in the heat of the moment--we come to a final agreement regarding how something will be handled. Then when it comes up, I am firm, unemotional, and relentless in sticking to the agreement unless some unforeseen intruding circumstance has come into play. I do not raise my voice. I do not argue. I simply state the boundaries of the agreement that we made and state my expectation that they will abide by their side of the agreement, the same way I will abide by mine.

Example: My son is having a hard time completing his assignment pad every day. I don't know why this is such an issue for him....stop. of course I do. he has ADD, like me! ...anyway, his homework is chronically late, he never remembers what he is supposed to be doing, and the whole thing is a mess. So, we sat down and talked about it. Really talked about what the problem was for him, what the consequences of not doing it were, both short-term and long-term, and what the benefits of doing it are, both short-term and long-term. We made an agreement that we both believed it was important for him to fill in his assignment pad every day. Then we talked about how to get it done. We reconfigured his whole binder/notebook configuration because what he was trying to use was not working for him. We scrapped "what the other kids were doing" and instead developed a system that works with the way his brain works. Mostly, he has a folder where he puts anything he touches that day into, regardless of what class, and when he gets home, we sort it and put it where it belongs. It is much easier for him than trying to figure out where to put all of the different papers he comes into contact with. The new binder also has an OUTSIDE pocket that his planner goes in, and he can SEE it without opening his binder. Anyway. We made a plan of how to get it done. We also made a plan of what happens if it done. If it is done, I will ensure that he gets 30 minutes of screen time of his choice before he goes to bed. We also made a plan of what happens if it is NOT done. If it is not done, there is no screen time. Not because he is being "punished" but because he is going to have to spend time watching videos, listening to podcasts, or reading articles of my choosing based on the current content he is learning in school because even though he doesn't know what his homework is, he still needs to be putting the time into his own learning. His homework would undoubtedly take much less time because it is more targeted. So it is of benefit to him to remember to write it down so he can make sure he gets it done.

Before he gets on the bus in the morning, we go through the exact same routine. When you sit down in class--every class--open the folder that's marked "TO SCHOOL" and look for any assignments that need to be handed in. Hand them in. Take your assignment pad out and write down the assignment pad. At the end of class, take all of the papers your desk and put them in the "TO HOME" folder. We'll sort it out later, don't worry about trying to do it in class. When you get to your next class, what's the first thing that you do? (good) Then what do you do? (Right) Remember that the extra thing you have to do is to turn in the permission slip for the new club. Where will you find it? (In the "TO SCHOOL" folder) etc.

When he comes home with his assignment pad completed, I arrange our evening to make sure he gets at least 30 minutes of screen time. Even if it means we cut into his reading time for that that night. If he doesn't come home with his assignment pad completed, I get on the internet. Find as many videos, podcasts, and articles as I can, and make him sit there and do it. After about 30 minutes, I might add in a "wow, I bet you would have been done with your homework by now. Start the next video" to reinforce the idea. If he argues, complains, or in some other way tries to get out of it, I hold firm. I stay unemotional. I remind him that he made an agreement, and he needs to stick to it. If people do not stick to their agreements, then what is to prevent me from not making sure he gets screen time tomorrow when he completes his assignment pad? Just as much as he needs me to keep my word, I need him to keep his. But this isn't a new conversation for my kids. Mostly they don't argue. Because it has never worked for them. So if arguing or being noncompliant has worked in the past, you are going to have to extinguish that relationship in his head. It might take awhile, but persistence and consistency will get it done. Stay tough.

I had stepped back from my rigor in all of this. Quite frankly, MY work is suffering because of the amount of time I need to spend with my son. I was hoping that he had learned enough to do it on his own. Unfortunately, my hopes were laid in a foundation of pixie dust. He can't do it. He needs me to guide him. I feel exasperated sometimes because I think "gosh, other parents of middle school kids don't have to do this!" Then I remember....I don't have to live his life. I am not the one who has to go to school every day and realize I am different than the other kids. I am not the one who has to try so hard all the time, to still face failure. This is not about me. It is about him. Realizing that helps me to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, and do what I need to do to help my son get through this in one piece and maybe learn a life skill or two along with way.

Good luck to you. It sounds to me like you have more than one issue going on and your approach may need to be different for different aspects of it. But I think when we take the time to slow down and really break the situation down into it's component parts, we can usually muddle our way to an answer that works....eventually!