how do you know when to discipline your child?

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to caseysmom,
im so glad to hear how you have managed to balance every thing out before i found this web site and started doing research all i had to go by was what i heard and the shows i saw on t.v. and most of them were people who had bad cases of autism (sorry if thats not the right terminology like i said im fairly new at this)and that scared me i didnt know if andrew would get worse if there was a chance he would get better or what was going to happen.but i have been educating myself and know a little more than before his school has been great so far they are the ones who helped me get him diagnosed the teachers he has now are wonderful,caring thoughtful and considerate they help andrew in any way they can they have recently hired an aide for andrew he goes to a special ed teacher for some help with his class work we got his report card today and he has improved in almost every area i am so happy he is doing better even his behavior has improved when he first started school he didnt want to go and he was all sad i use to cry after i dropped him off in the morning(to make things worse i was 8 months pregnant which made me super emotional )but things are looking better now and when you said i am my son only advocate you are so right and one of the teachers told me that when andrew was diagnosed she told me they were not allowed to tell me what i needed to do that i would be adrews only advocate and i would have to press everything i wanted done for andrew.so thats what i have and going to continue to do thanks for writing i really enjoy reading every ones stories and suggestions hope every thing goes well in the future

Quita,

Thank you for the kind words.

There are sooooo many wonderful websites and lierature about Asperger's Syndrome now. We had no earthly idea what could be "wrong" with Casey when he hit about 2 or 3. I took him to so many different doctors. I actually had one tell me he was just spoiled!! !! !! !! !! Needless to say, I never took him back there. We had a 'break' into what it could be when he was about 4 or so. My grandmother was actually reading a part of "The Orlando Sentinel" when she saw a story about a boy with Asperger's. It had all the 'symptoms' included. I'm am not kidding you when I tell you that after I read it, I knew exactly what it was!! !! !! !! !! I self-diagnosed him until I could get him into a doctor who actually had some familiarity with this stuff. As bad as it sounds, it was actually a relief to know that I didn't do anything wrong as a parent, like the one doctor who implied I was just spoiling my son!! !! After we researched EVERYTHING there was to know about this, I took him into a neurologist who also said he was having Petit Mal seizures (very common with Aspie's). He sees his nuerologist once a year and a therapist once a month.

Casey is very much a classic case of Asperger's. You name a symptom and he has it. I just took him to see his therapist last week and she was quite impressed with his progress. She complimented him on his eye contact. It's well known that Aspie's are not ones for eye contact or coordination. But, I have worked with him sooooooooooo much on eye contact!! !! ! Also, we wanted to get him into an activity to keep him busy. He plays chess at school and plays golf on the side. Not too much physical activity and coordination involved.

Really, the most problem we have now are the insensitive little jerks at school who are constantly making fun of him!! !! !! !! I know that just came out horribly, but I am so sick and tired of ignorant people I just want to puke!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! I can educate the teachers all day, but what about the kids? It's usually the same group of kids'. I have requested a parent conference with the other parents, but have been denied because of privacy laws. Let me give you an example of something we just went through about 3 weeks ago.................

There is this boy (who happens to be black) in school who teases Casey alot!! !! He calls him 'ret*d' and other discusting names. Casey told another child that the 'black' boy was being mean to him. Do you know that that kid went to his parents and told him Casey was racial and sent in a note to the principal!?!?! I received a call from the principal because he had Casey in the office addressing the issue!! !! !! I asked to speak with Casey and asked him why he called the other student a black child, he said cause he didn't know his name. I was so irate that it went that far!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! You know, where were these (the principal and the parents) people when my son was being called a ret*d?? I told the principal that the other child could be labeled as a 'disriminator', like my son is now, for calling a special needs child a 'ret*d'.

I wish people would realize how things effect people BEFORE they utter it out of their mouths. (WISHFUL THINKING) Please help in any advice with bullies!! !! !! !! !! !

caseysmom,

Sorry to hear your having problems at school Fortunately i have not had to deal with any bulling yet. Andrew will be 6 in April so he is only in kindergarten. So unfortunately I don't have any advice. But I do understand what you are saying about them not taking the actions they should. Maybe if they are not taking you serious and you think its bad enough you could go to the school board of education. Go over the principal. We live in a small community and he goes to a small school so we all know each other Andrews class has about 20 people in it and they said that was more than they were use to having so that also helps out. I also understand about some of the ignorant jerks in this world. Andrew only has a few asperger symptoms and one of those is he flaps his arms and he also makes a sound (which gets louder if he is in a crowd or in a loud place)while doing this .So people stare and things like that but I try really hard not to let it bother me because I know he can not help it. But I know sometimes you just cant help but get aggravated. None of us want our children to hurt or be bullied and it must be awful I can only imagine.
If you don't mind me asking why do a lot of asperger kids go to counseling? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I have read a lot on this web sit and a lot of people talk about the meds and their kids having to go to a counsler.But they haven't really said why. I know some people with aspergers have ocd and add.Like I said before I am fairly new to this. Andrew was diagnosed just before Christmas break. They told us that he had aspergers but we would have to wait for them to send an official report before we could get occupational therapist or work out an education plan or anything like that. So we don't even have the official diagnosis report back yet.Do they tell you if they think your child needs counseling or do you make that decision on your own? Hope things get better for casey and you.Thanks a lot for writing

If you don't mind me asking why do a lot of asperger kids go to counseling?

You know, I can't answer for everybody, but I take Case because our therapist has alot of really good ideas. And it gives her a chance to talk to him and find out if he's progressing or regressing. One of the things that she told me, which really sticks out and we apply to our home life, is she told me to basically 'desensitize' him. What I mean by that is to let him know that when other kids' call him a 'dork' or a 'screw ball', it's not the end of the world and don't take it so personal. When either one of my boys' do something incredible goofy at home, I'll tell them they're being weird or dorky. I NEVER am mean about it. But, kids' with Asperger's have a difficult time distinguishing facial experssions. I am so proud to say that he really can. I know he is a 'special' child with special needs, but I try to make everything 'normal' as possible.

Casey has OCD as well. It used to be REALLY bad, but it's pretty much under control at the moment. His big thing is germs! (That's actually a good thing at times) Also, the boy does not like any kinds of bodily fluids!! (Really, I don't either) UGH!! !! ! When he was in like Kindergarten and 1st grade, he would pass those poles at school and tap it while he was walking. If for some reason he did not, he would have to turn around, walk back, and tap it.

Do they tell you if they think your child needs counseling or do you make that decision on your own?

They should tell you. It definitely is a personal decision. We went to try and get a firsthand opinion about it and to get as much info as possible. His Dr. sees alot of patients like Case, so who would know better about it than she?

I know you are fairly new to this. Please also ALWAYS remember this is NOT a curse, but a blessing in disguise. When they are little these kids' do alot of acting out because they are unsure how to express themselves. This a very frustrating 'disease' for them and they don't need 'normal' people such as you or myself belittling or judging them. I love both my boys' the same and more than anything in this world. They are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO different and I respect them for that. By the way, not that it matters, but I am a single mother. It's hard at times, but I always think that somebody has it harder than me. At least we have children with a treatable 'diease' and non-life threatening!! !! !!

I'm not a parent, but I can provide another way of looking at the situation.

As a child, I had melt downs and temper tantrums very often. Usually, I was sent to the corner for a time-out or sent to my room (if my parents were in a good mood). I was usually only spanked when I was doing something that I knew was wrong. I hate to admit it now, but I was a violent child who lacked control over emotions and actions.

My parents tried a lot with me. In elementary school, I had to go to this social skills person who would try to help me with interpersonal interaction and identification and expression of emotions. That is all fine, but it will only help you as much as you put your own time and effort into it.

For punishment, they would take away my books and/or reading priveledges. I rarely used the computer when I was little and television priveledges had little effect on me. I remember I got punished a lot more than any of my siblings ever did.

Over the years, I learned how to control my emotions (almost to the point of people asking me if I even have emotions at all) and emotional control and discipline has been what has worked best. Unfortunately, this strategy isn't much help with the younger children, but it works with teenagers.

My advice is to not punish for a melt down, but help the child recognize what triggers a melt down. For me, noise or extended amounts of time around people makes emotional control much more difficult, so I know that I can only spend a certain amount of time around people and then I have to go somewhere alone for awhile. If a kid can recognize this and know his or her limits, then this will make things a lot easier.

However, if the child does something inappropriate while having the melt down, calmly wait until after it is over and then explain why the action was inappropriate and help make whatever changes are necessary to correct it next time. If the kid likes destroying things during a melt down, perhaps a box of recycleable paper that he can tear up into shreds (as long as he cleans it up afterwards!) is a good idea to consider.

Being teased at school by other kids is always tough to deal with. Teachers/other authority figures usually don't help because telling them that you're being teased is often perceived as "tattling" and they don't like that. Fighting back is also another very bad choice (I speak from experience). It's pretty much a lose-lose situation until the kid can learn to deal with it and ignore the people teasing him or until a firm, but civilized confrontation can take place. But usually this won't happen until people are older and much more mature. By that time, most of the teasing should have stopped because the kid will probably be at university by the time that happens...

One last thing to remember about discipline is that it is a bad idea to discipline the kid when you're still upset about what happened. Give both yourself and the other person some time to calm down, then discipline if necessary. Explain the reason as to why actions were inappropriate. Aspies usually respond better to reasoning and logical explanation than to emotional yelling and screaming.

Namiko-

Thank you, thank you for putting into words what I think!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !