Well I Did It

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Eh-- I just wasted my weekend and lost a night's sleep cleaning a clean house so I could feel safe. I try to keep it Judgmental Social Worker Approved. It's a PITA and I resent it, but it cuts down on the anxiety load.

So for the next couple of days, everything smells more than usual like Mrs. Meyer's Lavender Soap, lavender oil, and vinegar. I told the family it was Spring Cleaning time (which it was).

As it turned out, I ran into the social worker at the office. We ended up deciding to sit down and do paperwork there on the grounds that it made more sense than having him literally follow me for 35 miles just to get here, wait while I dealt with hungry restive kids that had just been stuck in the car, fill out paperwork, pretend not to be judging, and then drive 35 miles back. Saves time and gas.

That's the kind you want, man. That's the kind you want.

If you don't mind the continued derailment...
It's totally healthy and right to express ones' feelings, positive and negative one's. I cry in front of my boys when I am really upset about something.

I fear I simplified too much when I said you have control over how you react or respond to things that happen and that you can choose to be negative or positive about them. I believe this is true to some extent. In the example I gave of someone cutting you off in traffic. You can choose to believe that the person took that action with the intent to be rude and that he or she was purposefully being mean to you and trying to piss you off and you can choose to react in-kind and be angry. Do you have any logical basis for having this reaction? No, not really. Maybe the person was distracted because she just got bad news and is rushing to the hospital to see a loved one who is hurt and just didn't see you coming at all. Of course you have no logical reason to assume this is true either. In this instance you can choose to give the person the benefit of the doubt and not assume she was purposefully rude. You can choose to go on without getting angry. I believe the same holds true in the situation from the OP. It was my understanding that the social worker is someone Buyer Beware had never met before so she has no logical reason to assume that he will think badly of her when he comes to visit her house. He might be judgmental, as she fears, however, he might be compassionate and helpful. In my opinion, if she thinks over and over in her head how judgmental he will be then she is only likely to focus on any negative aspects of their interaction and come away from the encounter with a bad feeling. In these types of situations, I do believe that by choosing to focus on either the negative or the positive in a given situation, because there is often plenty of both, you can have some control over the outcome. I was reading an article about a study that presented different people with a description of the same set of circumstances and how people who were prone to depression picked out certain negative aspects of the situation and people who had not suffered from depression remembered more of the positive parts. Not that depression is something one has control over, it was just the groups they picked and I found the article interesting. If I find it again I'll share it.

On the other hand there are situations that cause one to feel strong emotions and you can't really control those reactions. Take the example Buyer Beware gave of a woman who is the victim of domestic violence. Telling her to put on a Polly Anna smile and go on with her life is ridiculous. When a loved one is sick or hurt or passes away, when you have an argument with a loved one, when a child is struggling in school, when you lose your job... These are just some examples of things that would probably cause most people to be quite upset and that cannot really be made better by just thinking happy thoughts.

I'm not very good at explaining all of this very well. I think you can choose how you feel in some situations and that it starts with your internal self talk. In the past I was a terrible about having a constant negative line of thinking going on in my head practically all the time. With much effort and practice, I have changed that. I am not happy all the time but I can make a distinction between things that are making me upset because I am ruminating about them and things that are genuinely distressing and beyond my control.

Ah, dear, derail away. I invite farther derailment. I'm a derailed kind of person-- the eclectic eccentric.

Besides, it is, in its way, germane to the general subject at hand.

We're all here because we're somewhere between trying to get our kids well-adjusted to a sick society and trying to make a less-sick society for our precious little snowflakes to be well-adjusted to.

No-- the only reason I have for the negative bias is past experience with social-support and mental health types.

I find it's safest to approach them with the knowledge that they may be that kind of person-- that, in fact, there is a higher-than-average probability that they will be that kind of person. I have run into enough like that, and been bitten badly by continuing to force myself to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again.

It causes me considerable anxiety, mostly because once we start interacting I really don't know how to handle it if it starts to go that direction. I don't recognize it fast enough or know what to do.

The best luck I've had is by preparing for the worst, trying to go in with a friendly demeanor, hoping for the best and going with it if I get it (like I seem to have done this time). Even then, not ever letting my guard down. Do not forget that these people are The System, do not ever allow myself to think they are friends.

It seems NTs live this way, constantly on some level judging and being judged, and it is natural for them.

I-am-going-to-spend-all-weekend-making-perfect-for-this. I-am-going-to-hide-the-nonstandard-trappings-of-who-we-are. I-am-going-to-worry.

And then when they get here, I am going to shake their hand and offer them a cup of coffee. Do my best to show myself friendly and open, because that is what kind of person I want to be. Just be ever-careful not to slip too much into that persona-- and somehow I need to learn not to come across as servile. It seems to be what a lot of them want, but it's also blood in the water to a bully.

Eh, I've kind of got a theory that those fields attract a certain kind of person-- let's call them the UberNT-- who really believe that their kind of person is the best kind of person, the only really good kind of person, and they just love people so much that they're going to help all the poor, sick, unfortunate souls become the best kind of people.

Whether they wish to be or not.

Also bullies that just enjoy wielding power over peoples' lives and minds and families. Though they might be one and the same, just one wearing a prettier mask. All pink and embroidered with kittens, if you can think of Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter or the orphanage lady from Despicable Me. Those are cartoons, of course, but accurate caricatures.

Not that all of them are this way; just that the concentration of that type is higher than in the general population. If in the general population the concentration of those types is 5%, in certain fields it would be closer to 10%.

Like Aspies in Silicon Valley, I guess.

It's-- The chances of running into them are high enough that it seems safest to anticipate it and be prepared. Then it's safe to relax a little bit, to hold onto and hold out a little hope for the best, to hold out a hand as if you expect the best to be there.

I'm not very good at that yet. I've spent a lot of years going, "They are the enemy; avoid them. Do not ask for help, do not let a problem show. Be quiet, look perfect, act normal. Have difficulty in private, and work it out yourself."

When I have to ask for help, the impulse to be utterly servile is strong. I know I felt like a mouse in an electric maze talking to those people-- and I know it showed; they commented that I looked stressed. I passed it off as sensory overload and stress from getting lost-- some of it was, but a lot of it was just outright fear that I'd find out too late that I was dealing with another bad one.

I remember making a call to the nurse that tried to take my kids away (while I pleaded with her to try to understand that I was by and large functional, just panicked), thanking her for being so caring and concerned and praising what wonderful human being she must be-- because I knew she had my name and address and could do anything she chose to me anytime it pleased her. I guess I stroked her ego enough for her to leave me alone; nobody from CPS showed up on my doorstep (though I did follow her demand that I call them and turn myself in the next morning-- the lady at CPS was very confused as to why I was on her phone).

The impulse to put on a swaggeringly aggressive front is present-- that's what DH does; it is how he stopped her from having the kids taken away simply because I had a panic attack in a public place-- but I think it's f****d up that people should have to do that, don't appreciate having it done to me, and anyway I suck at it. When I do it, it's so obviously a front that it's laughable. It's like a newborn kitten with a sword and shield and a sign that says, "I am a great and brave knight!!"

I try to get my servility out on the front end, then hope that they'll treat me with respect. Sometimes they do. More often than not they do-- though I'm sure my fear raises red flags as they wonder what I'm trying to hide. I'd feel a lot more confident if I knew how recognize the ones that won't sooner and how to handle it when they don't, though.

Wow, I was looking for something else and came upon this resource (really for teachers/therapists to help kids) but it is spot-on part of this discussion. I am going to use this as a way to frame things with DS, he really needs it: http://www.edutopia.org/blog/SEL-fillin ... renee-jain

Thank you, that is very helpful - I'll check it out!

Well, that turned out to be utterly useless.

One more adult carrying on about how he has, basically, no good points-- he's a bull in a china shop, incapable of controlling impulses, et cetera et cetera. Which I can tell you from living with him from day to day is simply not true. The worst I can say of him is that he is very active and wants to have my attention at all times-- to do what I am doing, or what any adult around him is doing, and to make a conversation of it.

One more adult carping about how more structure will solve his problems. If there were any more structure around here, our days would be regulated in 15-minute increments and there would be no flexibility at all. Getting up and going to bed happen at the same time, with a little leeway on Saturday nights. Daily activities proceed in the same order, pretty much without deviation (even if deviation would be convenient or functional). Meals happen at about the same time, with the only exception being soccer practice nights-- I can have dinner on the table at 6:30 or I can have DD11 at the soccer field at 6:00 and comply with the rule about staying through the entire practice; I cannot do both. No one can. I refuse to become more autistic-- to give up hard-won ground in the area of being flexible and willing to adapt to circumstances-- in the interest of raising robots.

One more adult proffering sedatives and saying that all we can really do for him is conceal the symptoms, that if I don't do exactly what they say he will be set up for a life of failure, that if I follow their instructions to the letter we can at least hope to make a productive robot out of him. One more adult telling me that I need to be doing what I have been doing for years; when I tell them that the reaction is either disbelief or "Well then I don't know what to do."

One more adult who, despite the fact that I am the one who deals with these kids day in and day out, talks to me as if I am an uninvolved idiot-- and then gets my husband on conference call and talks to him as if he is the one doing everything and I am not even present in the conversation. Is that because of my diagnosis, my gender, or the lack of letters after my name??

All this over a child who sometimes speaks out of turn, sometimes speaks too loudly, sometimes cries when he should be happily complying with instructions, sometimes runs when he should be walking, wants to turn what is desired to be a one-way interaction into a conversational exchange.

I think what he really needs is to be pulled out of school and taught at home. I'm frustrated and disgusted.

In addition to that, I guess I need to find myself a new therapist.

I went to see these people on her recommendation; she said they really had their heads on straight and really knew their stuff.

Gee-- no wonder my therap sessions are all small-talk and back-patting. No wonder when I ask questions about how I can improve this or that-- learn better organization and time management, learn to communicate more effectively, all I hear is how I seem to be doing fine and how these are things everyone struggles with.

What a complete f*****g waste of time.

You know, sometimes therapists are like different brands of socks: you just keep trying them out until you find some that work for you, and you throw away the ones that don't work without a second thought.

Good luck - hang in there.

I hear the same about my son. I have to be tougher, stricter, he is manipulating me, all boys act that way, he is fine, I am overreacting, routine, structure, etc...

PLEASE. My ending statement to all those who's opinions are wasting my time, is, LIVE WITH MY CHILD!! ! Then we will talk...

hang in there!