Help me handle an issue with a teacher

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Yes, never a bad thing to ask schools to explain themselves. They shouldn't be the one with all the power, parents are the experts in their own children.

It might be worth asking (if you don't have this information already), whether this particular teacher has been trained in ASDs and is aware that usually misbehaviour (not that I would class such minor things as misbehaviour!) is often a result of reaction to the environment or brain processing, and not the child being naughty. This teacher need a shift in perception from the sounds of it!

So, here is what I finally sent. I'm a little afraid that it is a dissertation, but then - that's me.

Momsparky, that was a really great letter. It gives you plenty of room to escalate it afterwards, if need be, and I think it will keep her from getting defensive and digging her heels in.

Let us know how it works out.

That was a very good letter. I couldn't tell at all that you really wanted to tar and feather her I do think you got the point across though and I hope they get all this straightened out.

One thing that had been mentioned is sending kids to the office or punishing them for really small stuff, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to post. The first time I was sent to the office and got a note sent home with me, was for standing up at my desk during class. Not exactly standing up, but sort of. I was standing on one leg and had the other in the seat on my knee. Well, yeah, standing up. I did that so I could stop doing the other stuff that they used to get on to me for. The noises I'd make or the fidgeting etc, which we now know is stimming, but then nobody had a clue. Remember, this was 1972 or so. I needed to do my little things to concentrate and if I couldn't concentrate I couldn't do the work and if I didn't do the work I'd get a bad grade and get in trouble, etc so it was all circular. I didn't know how to explain this to them, and I thought that I was just being "bad" or unreasonable or misbehaving or whatever it was that all that was labeled at the time. It was very, very hard to make myself stop doing those things because it's a part of concentration to me, then and now, although now I don't do any of them in public or if anybody else is around unless I'm concentrating so hard I'm in my own little world and forget.

Since people didn't have a clue about AS or any other problem that can cause behavior problems, it was all seen as misbehaving and we were pretty much made to stop. Back then the only autistic kids that anybody knew about were the very autistic kids, and while ADHD/ADD etc was starting to be diagnosed and treated, it was most often seen as a lack of discipline and treated by applying the hand or belt to the backside or milder punishments where needed. I'm not saying that I advocate this, I'm just explaining how it was and also oddly enough, it seemed to work, more often than not. A lot of people will automatically think it's cruel and abusive, etc and it would be if the adults actually knew about the disorders that caused the kids to act that way and went ahead with spanking or suspension or grounding, etc. They dealt with it the best way they knew how. They expected us to act like the rest of the class and eventually, most of us did or came pretty close to it.

I explained all that because it's pertinent to this next part. I was sent to the office over piddly stuff like that and got notes sent home, etc and it did upset me greatly because being a "good student" and "well behaved" was pretty much all I had, where school was concerned. I had no friends and was made fun of by all the kids, I couldn't play sports or even go outside at recess or do anything other than sit in the empty classroom and do extra work the teacher gave me instead of going out to play, I was not an attractive child and I wasn't funny or entertaining at all. The only thing I had to make me stand out or to be what I identified with was being a good, well behaved student and getting good grades. So of course being sent to the office upset me, especially over something I couldn't help. I couldn't explain it to them because I didn't have the words to, and also back then I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I was so quiet and shy and basically terrified of talking to anybody that I could be on fire and never open my mouth. However, I think being sent to the office over that piddly stuff actually did help me. Not in the fact that being afraid of punishment made me try harder to act like the other kids, but it helped because it was normal. It was something that normal kids did. I never thought of myself as normal at all, and I felt a little more confident in myself knowing that the teachers hadn't just "given up on me" and didn't bother to correct me because either I wouldn't ever be anywhere near as normal as other kids so why bother trying or because they thought I was in some way too fragile to punish (my mother thought that though).

So, I wouldn't think going to the office would be that big a deal, but each kid is different and it might be to him. Have you asked him about it and asked him how he feels about being sent to the office over something like that? Also, sometimes if the parent tells the kid "its not a big deal" about something like that, the kid won't worry as much over it, especially when they know they won't be punished at home for it as well. I'd ask him what he thinks about it and use that as my guideline for deciding how to deal with that part of it.

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Well, here is the response from his teacher:

Dear Mrs. Momsparky,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply regarding DS's ODR. Let me see if I can clear some things up and address your concerns. First, I do fully understand your position and the issues that DS is working through. I am trained in executive functioning skill building and know how much explicit work is required. DS does a fabulous job in my class. He is engaged, articulate and always ready to participate in the learning experience. The recent ODR for yelling out was his first...and probably the only..for the year as he has been very aware of hand-raising ever since. I have not seen it slow down his interest nor his participation level. In fact, yesterday he was our resident expert on Spartan war strategies. ( ) If I see any change in his participation from this point forward I will be sure to let you know right away.

The journals are a slightly stickier subject because they do come and go from the classroom on an irregular basis. When they do bring the journals home the expectation is that they should always have it the following class session, In the future, I can quietly send DS to his locker if he happens to forget it. Finally, as for homework assignments. I do have them posted on the website. If you would like him to get my signature all that I ask is that he brings his assignment notebook to me. Things get a little hectic when managing 150 little individuals.

Again, I am very glad that you contacted me and I will continue to work with DS's team and you to make sure he has all the supports necessary. Please do not hesitate to contact me for further discussion.

Gosh, that is irritating. It does not surprise me though. I think it is actually pretty amazing that she is the only one not taking ownership of the homework journal responsibility. I could see where a lot of teachers would balk at it but I also would not think that it would be that hard, as I would not guess they would have too many kids with that accommodation, to keep track of.

Our websites are not updated here, and we just have the one teacher, right now, and she understands that my son is not going to communicate anything to me about homework. If I do not get instructions, I make my best guess, and she is apologetic if I guess wrong. I don't know what will happen in two years when they are expected to change classes. I don't know if my son could manage it even with a journal check accommodation.

DS's "team" is great - so they do journal check-in and check-out at the beginning and end of the day. I wish the teachers understood that all we're asking for is that they casually stroll by his desk and make sure he has something written down, and prompt if not.

Of course, the bigger issue is that they didn't teach this skill in 3rd grade with scaffolding and prompting for ALL kids - it isn't as though DS is the only one. If the classroom expectation was that EVERYBODY write something in their notebook and that they've been doing this for three years, this wouldn't be a problem for ANYONE.

I hate how schools wring their hands over the kids who are "hard to teach" and yet they just toss stuff out there and don't offer the tools kids need. It isn't as though executive function problems are exclusive to special needs kids.

I think the schools are designed for those kids who excel in executive functions. For example, as a kid I remember hating the emphasis on organized (and pretty looking) notebooks. I can understand teaching these skills but not grading on them. If someone is making an A on tests on the material, why should they be downgraded because their notebook is not aesthetically pleasing? So many grades are really executive function grades. <sarcasm>I can't wait until middle school, when it gets really bad </sarcasm>

The stupid thing is, that schools seem to have crap organisational skills themselves. If you could personify a school that is, well it's the entrenched approach there. The amount of schools and nurseries that lose things, that are clearly labelled with proper ironed on labels with your child's full name.

Then there is the failure to provide adequate information for things, and letters received from them with spelling errors! It's an insult that they can't even spell and they are marking the children for it. One of my daughter's previous schools had a dyslexic HT.

My little girl gave me revenge by proxy, when on her 2nd or 3rd day at school, she sat at the front of the school hall in assembly, with all the other reception children, and the whole school sat behind her going up in age towards the back, and decided to stand up, whilst the old dragon of a HT was speaking on stage and announce "I'm bored". What a hoot, couldn't have said it better in so few words myself.

My 11yo, when she was 9yo was at school, and used to go to a recorder class (those flute type things). The music teacher would just get any child's recorder in the group to demonstrate and put it in her own mouth! I thought that was gross, and I faxed the school about it. You never know where her mouth has been and that's just totally not on.

When my 8 yo was 5yo and at school, I used to give her organic fruit to bring in for morning snack, the school provided their own fruit snack but I preferred her to have ours, because I gave a lot wider range of fruit and it was organic. All they gave was either apple, banana or unpeeled carrot slices (and they looked manky). Because of this they segregated my daughter into a room on her own away from the other children to eat hers. I couldn't believe it, aren't schools supposed to be inclusive? They were more worried about the other children asking questions, about such an insignificant difference, than how they made my daughter feel. They could easily have said anything, such as 'she's on a special diet' and what did they have to be so afraid of (this is what I mean about schools turning children into conformist automatons). At other local primary schools they let you send in your own fruit snack without problem. This was a Catholic school...need I say more.

And this was the school, that when my daughter fell in the classroom and fractured her wrist, not only did they not even take her to A&E to be checked, but they didn't even call me to tell me what had happened. They casually mentioned her fall when I picked her up at home time! I tell you, if this was in your country (USA) most parents probably would have sued, and I wish it was so easy to do that over here.

DS wears elastic-waist pants - all his jeans are the kind with the adjustable elastic because he is SO. DARN. SKINNY. It helps some.

The thing with the chair seems to be OK most days - an elastic around the chair legs really helps. It hasn't come up anywhere, so if he can manage it - that actually is one of those weird things that is a life skill he will need. Funny how we have to sort all these things - shoe tying - not a life skill, lining up - not a life skill, crossing streets - life skill, waiting your turn - life skill, sitting in a chair - turns out, life skill. Who knew? So, in terms of how we prioritize as parents, we skip the non-life-skill things entirely, and if he can tolerate the life-skill ones, we expect that at school as much as he can tolerate (if that is where it comes into play) and not at home for now.

But I wish they'd realize how much it costs him to sit there.