Anxiety over going to stay over with family

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I feel like I'm making her do something she doesn't want yo do and it's that that bothers me really

It's her anxiety. If you were to ask her if she enjoys spending time with grandma, she'd likely say yes. I don't think you're doing anything wrong but I'm a person reading a story online.. you know her best. Just don't let fear take charge in this. Do what's really best and what's really best is what you've researched about.

With all due respect to ASDmom, I would try to find out if she really does enjoy it or not. I know my bias is probably showing, but it would not hurt to find this out. Just because someone is family does not make them healthy to be around. Plenty of people who have managed to procreate are toxic.

If it is anxiety, and your daughter really does enjoy the visits that is one thing and can be handled. If she does not, forcing her is likely to have other consequences. My grandmother was a very toxic person (I told you I have a bias, here) and thankfully I did not have sleepovers often (Twice, maybe ever) because she despised it, luckily, but I had been forced into other types of fake emotional contact (that my dad made her think I spontaneously and willingly initiated) that made me hate her, resent my father for forcing it, and lose respect for my mother for allowing it.

I am not saying your situation is at all analogous, but I do think part of parenting an autistic child is to find out what is going on with her, and to make sure she feels free to communicate the truth when things are bothering her. You don't want her to repress her feelings b/c they might be inconvenient to people or unpleasant. So many people, especially girls and women are taught to do this. My mother was this way, and it did not serve her well. I am lucky that I saw this, and I made sure not to absorb these lessons. (My bias is showing)

Again, if is just anticipatory anxiety, that is different, but I would want to make sure it is not anything else. Just b/c your MIL "knows" about autism, it does not mean that this does not make her stubbornly think she "knows best" if she is that sort of person, and if she is pushy with you and your husband she might be pressuring your daughter too hard about things she thinks she ought to be doing, and making her feel bad, for example.

I would really have a good talk with your daughter (or 2 or 3, depending on how easily she will open up to you.)

There is another issue here as well, and that is about having a voice in your own family. If your husband and mother in law are arranging this and essentially ignoring your objections, that is a major problem. As the mom you have to be able to say no sometimes. After all, with your husband traveling you are in charge and you know what helps and what doesn't.

If you both want her to sleep over because it helps her learn something, that's fine, but you need to make sure he knows THAT'S the reason, not because it helps you. And you have to have a say. If he continues to ignore you, I'd consider marriage counseling. He probably has no idea how much work this is for you.

I would be finding out if she is actually enjoying her visits there. If she isn't, there is no way I woud be doing overnights anymore. It might "just" be her anxiety, but that is no less a real thing, and you don't teach someone how to deal with or overcome their anxiety by simply making them do something that makes that anxiety worse. You do it by helping them feel safe so that fight/flight reflex gets a chance to regulate.

You can work up to overnights if that is something your daughter wants. But don't out your daughter through something that is clearly stressful for her, and for you, simply because someone else wants you to.

You need to make your husband deal with the meltdowns after a visit too. It sounds like he is happy to make these arrangements and then leave you to deal with the aftermath. That is not fair, and doesn't let him see how this is affecting the family.

Remember, help is only help if it is actually helpful. Anything else is just someone stroking their ego. If your MIL truly wants to help, then she will be open to working with you. If not, then she is not the kind of help you need.

Thanks for all your answers, lots to think about

I do have some concerns about the mil to be honest. I cant seem to get much out of my daughter about why she doesnt want to go, she says its because she "misses me" but I dont believe thats the real reason.

Even if the real reason is that she misses you, that does not mean that is reason to disregard it. That reason is as valid as any other. It does not mean she should not be encouraged to get out of her comfort zone sometimes (if she is having fun there) but there is a such thing as too much. She can enjoy doing something and not want to do it as much (or overnight) as someone else (MIL) wants her to. I think it would be healthy for her to know her opinions were taken seriously. Hopefully, you can get more information from her.

I also second/third/forth that you should feel like you have say in your own family, too.