What do you wish you had known then?

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Oh dear. Now I'm really worried. We used to hold our dd down pretty often during meltdowns and still do occasionally because otherwise she bites herself and rips her hair out. Mostly we work really hard with her at catching them before they start and helping her deal with them in other ways. But are you folks saying we should let her hurt herself? I'm not sure I can do that.

No, I'm not saying that at all. I would and do restrain my son during a tantrum if he is in danger of hurting himself or others. I think every situation is unique. The kind of suggestion I'm talking about is holding them down as a response to any meltdown, even ones which they are not putting themselves or others in danger. Recently, my son had a major meltdown in the middle of the sidewalk and he kept hurling himself backwards and was flailing his limbs. I was afraid he was going to bash his head open on the concrete, and he also almost kicked me in the face a couple of times. So, I really had no choice except to wrap my arms and legs around him and sit there until he calmed down. We collected an audience of starers. I actually yelled "stop staring at us!" to people. It was actually a police officer who came over and asked if they could help me in any way. But, there was really nothing else to do but hold him and wait until he stopped trying to hurt himself/ me.

But, also, I didn't mean to pass judgement either way. Every kid is different. Maybe some parents find that holding their kid down (even when they are not in danger of hurting themselves) is really helpful to the child to calm them down. Some kids might need that sensory stimulation to help calm down. I know parents who wrap their child in a blanket when he is melting down. That was a suggestion given to them, and they find it helpful. Every kid and every situation is different. It is just not something that was working for my child as a general go to technique. There is no one 'fix all' response that applies to all children and all families.

-Fitzi

TiredMom, sounds like you are doing well! It will probably get better over time the more you catch her before she is fully triggered. The more you support who she is and find ways to work around her triggers, the more she'll trust you and learn from you to think of her own work-arounds. We are now at the point where we work though things even as my son is melting down at times. It's messy, but I feel it's part of the process of him learning to deal with himself, not just avoiding everything that may cause meltdowns.

My son is gifted in drawing but won't do it much. We were to attend a family birthday party, celebrating two of his aunts and himself. I wanted to encourage him to think about the other birthdays as well as his expected presents, so I asked him to make cards. He argued with me as I looked up novel cards to make and found ideas for pop-up cards. He didn't like any recommendation I made, but wasn't fighting too hard. He finally became interested when I spoke about one of the aunts and he saw something she would like. He began making the card as I returned to a recipe on the stove. Each time he threw a fit when it became hard, I came to take over for him until he would settle down. We went back and forth until the card was made. The next one was not nearly as problematic and he did it mostly independently.

All this to say, meltdowns have come a long way. You do need to protect her now, but don't worry too much. There is hope for the future.

I agree with Fitzi: every child is unique. The problem we had was not that holding a child during a tantrum is wrong, but that it was horribly wrong for us. One issue that is common when you start working with professionals is that instead of getting to know the unique family they are working with and going from there, they tell you things that have worked for other people in the past. Who knows - holding my son may have worked for her, even. It was that when my husband or I tried to do it, things got worse for all of us.

I guess the thing to remember as a parent (any kind of parent) is that just because something works for some people, or just because a professional tells you something will work - it doesn't mean it's going to work for YOU (mind you, this is not to imply that no suggestions work, right? We have gotten a lot of help from professionals) You have to be willing to stand up for your family and say clearly "This doesn't work for us. We need something different," or to move on to different professionals until you find someone who works for you. Over the years, we went through 6 different therapists (excluding the ones at the school) before we finally got the help we needed. I think this can be one of the biggest discouragements of having a special needs child, because after the first few, you start to wonder if the real problem isn't YOU (and the therapists often kind of nudge you to that conclusion.) Rest assured, when we found help that HELPED, it was obvious.

This is not to say that a therapist et. al. might not give you something that works but that is also extremely difficult: that's a whole different story.

I agree with the others who have indicated all kids are different. My daughter freaks out more if you try to touch her during a meltdown. My son, however, sometimes responds positively to be held. You just can't talk to him at the same time. I think there is also a difference in what "holding down" can mean. There is "holding down" which is done in a calm, controlled manner and is done to help the child regain their own control, and then there is "holding down" which is done because the parent wants to be in control. I believe this type of "holding down" is often coupled with feelings of anger and resentment.

^^^^This! That is why we are pulling our son, out. Everything amounted to, "We want you to get parent training" and what we are doing is "evidence-based," so the implication was it was me. Meantime we have had more "compliance" this summer than we have ever had, so maybe we aren't so incompetent...

Never mind that he was suffering due to enormous changes during the year and b/c they took away his disruptive coping mechanisms while attempting to substitute things he would not accept as bona fide stim substitutes. Then he got new coping mechanisms that were worse than what he was doing. But, yep, that was my fault...

Some children need to be restrained for their own safety. In our case, we do not have to restrain him at home. The school has had to restrain him b/c they insisted on methods that were upsetting him more, rather than calming him and he would hit. While the restraining was necessary (and legally allowable) they were the ones that made him so that it was necessary. it should never have gotten that far.

If you have a child that is self-harming that is a totally different thing. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do for your child's safety.

Yes, I'm glad he is in a different school now. And I expected the public school (which he's in now) to be worse, but his therapists aren't blaming me. His teacher (at first) fished to see how he was/ how we handled him at home, but I explained what we do/ do not do and how he behaves and she believed me rather than make it my fault.

It's about a willingness to take the time to look at the problem differently and search for other solutions, instead of tossing blame because your ego is hurt when you methods don't work. So annoying.

One thing that bothered me this year, though, was that they kept telling my son "Quiet hands!" whenever he twisted his fingers or wrung his hands. I feel that it helps him to cope better to do that. I didn't get why they didn't see that it was adding to the meltdowns.

Are you pulling your son out of school, or putting him in a different school?

We are pulling him out and homeschooling him. We can't afford private school, and anything for autistic kids would be quite far away and not academic enough for him. Also, I can't go through all this again with another group of people who don't understand him. He is happy at home. I can get him to be reasonably compliant and do his work, and I can tailor it to his needs.

Why do they care if he is wringing his hands? I agree with you that it probably helps him self-calm. What did they say when you tried to explain it?

Well, he was doing other things with his hands as well that were not appropriate like sticking his hands down his pants and sucking his finger. He does this thing with his fingers where he twists his fingers on top of each other, as well as wring his hands. I understood them saying 'Quiet hands' for the pants and sucking, but didn't get the others. I just told them I thought it helped him contain his emotions, so they dropped it for non inappropriate ones.

I don't know what their reasoning was.

I always have 'homeschool' in my mind as a back burner option. They do have some really good programs for kids on the spectrum in my area, but they are really hard to get a spot in- and I have yet to get a diagnosis. Some of the programs are not very academically challenging, and others are just like any other grade level class. But, there are not that many of them. It is a newer thing. They have a great program for kids on the spectrum in a really great middle school here, which is academically challenging, but middle school is a long way off. They also have schools for kids with various learning differences that you have to go through a long, stressful process to get the DOE to pay for, and most of them are behind the normal academic standards.

I can't afford private school either and, even if I could, I would be worried that they could ask my child to leave at any time because of behavior issues. At least in the public school he can't get kicked out.

Quiet Hands

http://juststimming.wordpress.com/2011/ ... iet-hands/