HELP! @ school: comments from boys to 8yo ASC daughter

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My thoughts:

I am the mother of a boy, and I am not offended because honestly I am scared about what other kids could do to my son too. I do agree that telling her boys are dangerous is not really the best way to word it, for a number of reasons. Number one is that girls do mean (and sexually exploitative things, too) and also if you look at some of the horrid things in the news, sometimes males will use females to lure other females to make things look safer. Number three, is you don't want to scare her.

I am also struggling about how to explain sexuality to a seven year old who is really like a four year old. We are going to get him a book, designed for 4 year olds, but he really does not understand even basic safety precautions, so I understand your concerns about parenting someone so innocent and potentially vulnerable, regardless of gender.

My main thought is that if they have an ASC unit mixing in with mainstream like that, that they ought to be doing a better job of making sure all children stay in view. I know from my own observations that the aides in such a situation are more likely to yammer with each other than do their jobs. I might want to address your concerns in a way that points out the liability issues of not properly observing the kids properly, but in a kind of gentle way that doesn't get them defensive. Maybe imply it must be an odd occurrence or something.

I would go with pants. They really are more practical, anyway.

While there is a lot of innocent boyfriend/girlfriend play in elementary school (my NT daughter had two "boyfriends" and it really meant nothing other than the right to say it), I think you are right to be concerned, because the normal "dating," in my experience, would be kids who have spent a lot of time together, and not kids who really don't know each other. So, the boys you describe don't fit into the pattern as I know it, and that bothers me.

My instinct is to see it as a version of bullying more than anything sexual.

And ... I think your daughter's answers were perfect. Beyond that, keep reminding her of the rules that keep her safe: never be alone with another child where you can't see an adult who can also see you, never allow anyone to see or touch the parts of the body that would be covered by a swimsuit, etc. And ask the school to keep an extra eye open.

I don't think she needs to be frightened; she needs to be told there are firm rules and that she must follow them. Since most girls that age, and most ASD kids, have a lot of respect for rules, it should be enough.

And definitely add shorts under the skirts. Our elementary school actually requires them.

Young boys have a lot of curiosity and it is relatively innocent in that I don't think they totally understand all the ramifications of their interest. With an older son and a younger daughter I've had my ability to keep my cool and not freak out severely tested a few times. Boys have to learn the boundaries, and the reasons for them, and it does not happen without some bumps. Perhaps some of that is involved but, as I said, my instinct is more in the direction of a version of bullying. Regardless, the source with the boys isn't your concern; yours is keeping you daughter safe without scaring her. My son had to have some "scared straight" lectures, but with my daughter I focused on rules and boundaries. JHMO

This would make alarm bells ring for me. I don't know what to tell your daughter, but imo the school should be made aware of these incidents. You want it on record that these approaches and conversations are inappropriate, regardless of what anyone else is willing to assume. And you want confirmation from the school of your legitimate concerns. Perhaps a calm chat with the parents of these boys, asking that they be spoken to about how inappropriate it is to talk this way.

She's your daughter, and you know best what is best for her.

Imo, this is evidence of the over-sexualisation pervading society. Could home-schooling parents not get together to share the load and support each other?

What strikes me, is that of the 3 males on this thread the 2 who expressed an opinion on how concerned I should be have both said the same thing. Warning bells. And speaking from a male perspective means you are aware how it is to be a ten year old boy and will likely have experience of what other boys in that age group can be like. And you are telling me I am right to be concerned. As I have an male gendered brain myself perhaps that's why I feel similarly to you guys.

I know this is unscientific, but I get "feelings" about things, and I am always proven right in the end when I get these particular feelings, like a sixth sense. I don't want to be right on this occasion, but every fibre of my being is telling me this is something I need to get nipped in the bud right now.

I agree torquemada, about the over-sexualisation of society. Young children are exposed to almost pornographic music videos, violent computer games that many parents buy irrespective of the rating on them, and adult TV programmes. When my older daughter was only 9 in an age 8-9 class at school, she said the children used to watch the news and a popular adult soap opera and similar things, as if it was nothing, no parental guidance over it. There are very inappropriate topics in all those things and the children were talking about them as if they were talking about what flavour lollipop they preferred but without the emotional depth of understanding of it all. Learning to become immune to the serious nature of such things makes children far more likely to act out things they have seen but don't yet understand.

What is a better way to word it? My use of the word 'dangerous' (note that I said "could be" not "are" in a blanket fashion) was probably tied in with my literalness being an Aspie myself, and I couldn't think of a better word at the time. I was panicking inside after what she told me and it was the only word my stressed brain could come up with bearing in mind I couldn't go into details of why.

I will put shorts on her under her skirt because we get very humid weather here and the school trousers are man-made and she is very temperature sensitive so I feel it would be unfair on her to wear trousers in certain weather.

ASDMommyASDKid I will also look out for books that are intended to younger children on this subject, if anyone has any recommendations please let me know.

I don't know what books are available in your neck of the woods, but we are going to start with this one, I think:


It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library)
by Robie H. Harris (Author) , Michael Emberley (Illustrator)


We were thinking of this one:


It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library)
by Robie H. Harris (Author) , Michael Emberley (Illustrator)


However, he is a type of person who will want to be able to flip through the whole book, and there is some material in there that might unduly scare him, about A.I.D.S etc. He does not handle death or illness well, so I don't think he is ready for it yet. Your mileage will vary.

Edited to add: I hope I did not mistakenly suggest that I was minimizing your concerns. I did not intend to. I think your instincts are probably right, not that you need my validation. The kids' behavior does seem odd. I only meant that not all boys are dangerous and not all girls are safe.

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What is a better way to word it? My use of the word 'dangerous' (note that I said "could be" not "are" in a blanket fashion) was probably tied in with my literalness being an Aspie myself, and I couldn't think of a better word at the time. I was panicking inside after what she told me and it was the only word my stressed brain could come up with bearing in mind I couldn't go into details of why.
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I don't feel qualified to say "say this", but imo the most important thing is that she informs you of everything that happens, and doesn't worry about making you visibly angry or upset. Save that for where it's needed.

Feeling that "dangerous" is an apt word is imo perfectly reasonable, with boys as young as 13 being had up on sexual assault charges here in the UK. Gone are the days when teachers could be trusted to stand in loco parentis, if indeed they ever existed, so it's down to you to care & act.

This kind of behaviour, i.e. isolating and then inappropriate conversation is definitely creepy, even if not "dangerous" and could be a precursor to predation, or merely innocently skewed values.

Imo, clear scenario based instructions for your little girl, and a calm authoritative letter using the right words to the school, demanding to know what they are doing about pupils making inappropriate and disrespectful advances to each other, particularly with regard to the boys and the parents in this case. The important thing is persistence and being unafraid to draw a sensible line beyond which you are prepared to unleash all the hell you've got, including sending the police to the school, calling the papers, taking legal action, etc.

Don't make any threats you can't back up, and don't bluff. Your concerns, although they are only concerns at this point, are reasonable, and the school has a duty of care to investigate and deal with this to YOUR satisfaction, not theirs. I am an exponent and practitioner of the covert recording route personally, and hell on wheels when I know I'm in the right. Good words for conflict are: inappropriate, insufficient, inadequate, and good old unacceptable. These are non-emotive practical words that a head teacher will be obliged to take notice of.

Address your issues in writing to the head, demanding (suggesting?) appropriate action. Be constructive and facilitative in your approach, and don't be afraid to take moral support to any meetings and don't back down. A quiet chat with the parents of the boys ought to be enough.

@ ASDMommyASDKid: thanks for the recommendations. I think I got hold of the wrong end of the stick, I imagined you meant books explaining about boundaries and what is personal/private and what is acceptable, and how certain behaviour from other children (whether you know them or not) is wrong, not the actual biology. I think an ASC child will have trouble linking the mechanics of reproduction with behaviour that is inappropriate and I really don't want to tell her the birds and the bees yet.

@cubedemon6073: Thanks, it helps to know I'm not being OTT about this and gives me more confidence to be strong with the school. The thing is, that no matter how nice a personality a child has got generally, that's a separate thing from them getting spurred on into inappropriate action by virtue of either curiosity, hormones, having been accessing age-inappropriate material, peer-pressure etc. That's why so many times when bad things happen, people that knew the perpetrator say "It's so out of character" and "You'd never have guessed he had it in him" and "He seemed so 'normal'."

@ torquemada: yes, I do think teachers and classroom assistants don't take their responsibilities entirely seriously always. My daughter has told me that once they've given the children in her class work, the adults stand around talking about detailed and personal (and inappropriate for children to hear) medical/health issues. They seem to forget the children are even there and have ears!!

And now (I don't know why I do this to myself) I just Googled and found these horrific stories, which puts paid to what everyone has said about boys that age not thinking that way and it all being innocent:

You've given me an idea, I will search on eBay for social stories generally and maybe there will be something relevant amongst those. Thanks.

...Something else just occurred to me too, my daughter thinks she's invincible and could fight off anyone "bad" so even if I managed to get her to accept the necessity to be careful, she might just think she could save herself from any situation and that in itself might make her blase about what situations she puts herself in. God, this is so stressful.

If she has the will to fight, good for her! Tell her to do it LOUD. I know my input on subjects like this is a bit alarmist, but there is the possibility that this will sort out easily or be a storm in a teacup.

You can deal with this like a Boss, just stay cool