A bit upset over something I can't say here, re; youngest so

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I assume you're not being paid to be his personal business secretary ?

Why didn't he behave like a grown-ass man and tell the other guy to bugger off - on account of it being the middle of the night, since he'd shut up shop ?

It seems to me that he chose to do the drug deal, all by himself.
A grown-ass man should take responsibility for their own decisions in life.

For reference, this is the other topic OOM made on the same subject -

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt236019.html

Well, once you let somebody in the house, then you basically have to go through with it unless you want to be rude. And yes, even though it's what it is, and he's trying to be one of that bunch of boys who try to act like they are something they aren't, we are still where we are and this group is really just basically a bunch of regular country boys, rednecks even, both black and white who think the epitome of "being all gangsta" is that one little business and sitting in each others bedrooms playing video games and listening to rap music. Except when they go to Wal Mart and buy spray paint and go spray paint on the one abandoned building in the middle of town that is actually ok to spray paint because the owners said so.

This isn't Birmingham, where I'm from. If we were in Bham, he wouldn't have ever been around that particular group of boys to try and join up nor would they have wanted anything to do with him because he wouldn't live in their neighborhood and he's white and in places like that they are not mixed. It's seen down here, honestly as a type of "sowing their wild oats" because we are about 45 minutes away from every single place on the map in all four directions and nobody even passes through here. I reacted like I did because of where I'm from, where I grew up, and the groups I used to run with, while already so stressed out that I was waiting for my own brains to spontaneously start oozing out my ears from the negativity and despair tornado that was touching down up in my head at the time.

Because of where we are, what they are doing, and the way all those boys are, I could go to my friend who knows my son and is a cop and whose house he's played at with his sons and spent the night there and whose kids have spent the night here and tell him what was up. He went through it with his son but he's over that now and in the military. He said he would talk to him and asked me if I wanted him to "snatch a knot in his tail on general principle" and I told him no that I think that would really upset him and make him completely tune him out and do the opposite of what he's told to do. He said he understands, cause he knows him well and how he gets when he's in trouble.

That is why today, when my brain has returned to whatever passes for normal for me I'm not as freaked out about it as I was the other night and not seeing it like I did then. But I'm still not having it. Yes, they have guns, but you know what they actually do with them? Target shoot. Sometimes they squirrell hunt or raccoon hunt, but they go out in groups to do that anyway rather than carry them around trying to look hard. It sounds too country to be true, but trust me, it isn't. I was in culture shock for a couple of years when we moved down here but now I'm used to it down here. There is no crime really. No actual crime. We haven't locked our door in a good five years I don't think and I don't even know where my house key is anymore, it's really that safe. If somebody gets shot down here its rare and it's probably involving older guys drinking too much and arguing, not gangs or drugs, although I do not want him to get stuck in that mindset of it because rather than do something for a while and then let it go, he will fixate on it and decide to actually be that. Since they are the only gang we have here, I suppose they are a "real gang" but if they were to be confronted with an actual gang, or an actual Bham dealer, they would probably poop their pants and get out of Dodge while throwing all the cash they had at them to prevent getting jumped for it.

But I'm gonna handle it. My friend's gonna handle it too. He is better at talking to these boys about it than I am because he has two about their age, just a little older and he's been through it and like I said many times, everybody knows everybody here and their business so it's not like he didn't already know.

Really ?
.... at 3.30 am ?
When they're not even a visitor, they're just there to do a drug deal ?
And even when it was somebody else who let him in (his mum), while he was sound asleep ?

Well, I can certainly see why your son threw a hissy fit at you for letting the guy in, if you're imposing that kind of thing on him...

The place where you live sounds about as rural as it is where I live.

And so, I shall say two things...

You're certain that your 18 year old son will remain living where he does presently.... and not move to (for example) the city ?
At that age, don't most boys have wings on their feet ?

Also, you are sure that the gang he is in are guaranteed not to start any violent crap on the general public ?
I live in an equally close-knit rural community, and AFAIK there are no established "gangs" here... but that doesn't stop "young teams" of rednecks from developing ; which can be quite violent towards innocent strangers, and teach kids as young as 4 to go about kicking people.

We have really never had any kind of random violence like that since I've been down here, and that's about 13 years. The parents down here wouldn't stand for it and whoever they decided to get violent against would know who they are and before nightfall their parents would know and the cops.

I knew all this when I was so upset, but as I've said, my mind did not go here, my mind went to West End in Birmingham. It went to Norwood, and the Brickyard. However, like I said in my other post, when he gets his mind set on something he can be hard to get off of it. Where other boys would grow up out of it or get married or get tired of it or get a real job, I'm afraid he would see himself as the real deal and try to be the real deal in an environment where that could get him hurt. Or killed. This little "gang" of theirs is actually pretty harmless if you can turn a blind eye to a few years of "boys will be boys" stuff because it's their idea of how to "be all hard" etc. They are about as hard as some guy in a middle class subdivision that sells little baggies of weed and thinks he's Snoop Dog. But I don't want him to get the mindset of it because of how he is. And the money is good too, I don't want him to see everything with dollar signs in his eyes because he doesn't know how to handle himself out there in that world outside of this little town and those dollar signs will be nothing more than just notations on his commissary books cause he don't know how it's actually played out there. I don't want him deciding to find out.

Once I calmed down and got my mind off every one of the things that was driving me crazy, I was able to put them all back together in my head in a big ole brain shaped jigsaw puzzle and figure out what to do about each of the problems I have going on right now. But sometimes it takes my head falling apart to be able to be put right.

Well, if it's like that then it just goes back to what I said to begin with :
Why couldn't he behave like a grown-ass man and tell the guy to bugger off, if he didn't want to be doing a drug deal at 3.30 am ?

Where's SC ?

It seems to me that he's earning a heck of a lot of money.
Dealing those kinds of quantities of drugs might lead him to think that working at the store is monkey business in comparison - working hard for peanuts.

If he can earn enough for rent easily, food, new clothes whenever he wants them, as much petrol as he needs, utility bills... with a few grand a week left over, all earned just from dealing drugs with the Bloods.... well, living at home may begin to seem less appealing.
Just saying....

just my two italian euros -- take it or leave it:

i have a 19yr old son, and i'm not his friend; i'm his parent. you don't need someone else to talk to your son...YOU need to lay down the law in YOUR house and kick him out if he won't abide. if you don't, and he gets sent to prison, he'll blame YOU for ending up there, because you didn't do the right thing as his parent...and you'll end up blaming yourself if he ends up getting seriously injured or killed.

speaking of which, i'd highly suggest that you get your locks changed immediately and use them -- at night, *and* during the day. no one is immune from burglary, vandalism, or violent crime, regardless of where they live...in fact, those who deal drugs and those who recently "used to" deal drugs are at an extremely increased risk.

I would definitely agree with that.

If the local druggies are aware of you having an open house, which often has $1,000 + of drugs kicking around... well, you know...

One day someone's going to come knocking on your door, and when you answer it you'll get a bullet in the face.
Hasn't that thought occurred to you?

Why, is my husband having an affair with Amy Fisher?

Doubtful this would be more likely to happen to OliveOilMom than any of us. The only gang members who would get away with that are the ones that KNOW everybody on the street would be too scared to testify against them. Doesn't sound like the community is too scared of these guys. Plus, they now all know that the cop neighbor is paying attention. It would have to be someone either completely willing to go to jail for life or a suicidal person.

I was checking out my Sesame Post Kermit the Frog Newsflash post, which just happens to be in the Parents' Discussion a few rectangles up. I don't usually post here as I'm not 'qualified' but I read your post........

Really I thought you meant he was in the Mafia! Organised crime. The tip-off was Sicilian + shady business. Nevermind.

Anyway, that's really bad since he could get hurt and it's unlawful. Then, all the other practical members have said so. He is your son, so kicking him out of your home would be really hard (although he's an adult). You must be strict with him - it's a matter of legal culpability. We don't want you to go to jail, either of you! Be careful.

I would focus on the fact the activity is illegal for a reason. People are being hurt, though they certainly don't think so. You need to be motivated to get him to stop.

It's been resolved. No need to worry anymore. It's handeled.