autistic child's haircut broke a parent's heart

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Yes. Plus there are hair types that are more prone to matting than others and generally need more care.

Your situation is different from those of significant numbers of other children...

My 6 year old boy has long hair because he had a massive meltdown every time we tried to get his hair cut professionally. A meltdown to the point where I could see the horror in the hairdresser's eyes at having to try and cut this screaming child's hair. We tried to take him to a place where the salon seats are little car shapes and you can watch whatever video you like, but his fear about getting his hair cut was stronger than his desire to sit in one of the cars. I cut it myself a couple of times by following him around and snipping when he wasn't paying attention, but it always looks terrible when I do it. Luckily, his school is fine with boys having any length hair they like. There are boys who have blue streaks in their hair in his school, and that's fine too. The only thing is, some of the kids in his class were calling him a girl and he didn't like that. I asked him if he would like his hair cut and he said 'no'. I did make him an appointment for next week, though. We will try one more time because his hair is curly and it does mat very easily. He hates having his hair combed, but gets huge knots.

Crossing my fingers....

She's more concerned with the experience her kid is having. She also explained about sensory integration issues which is something society as a whole is ignorant about. She explained that what looks like bratty behavior may actually be response to pain or other sensory bombardment. I think she is concerned with the experience her kid is having.

Me? I find the rather negative comments toward parents rather disheartening. I am absolutely aware that being on the spectrum is no picnic sometimes. But neither is being a parent of a kid on the spectrum who is losing it in public. By nature, I am a calm, laid back person, and I really don't often care about what other people think. But many times I have found myself in public places handling a situation that simply sucks. And just because it may have sucked worse for my daughter doesn't mean it didn't suck for me. Public meltdowns are not just awful for the autie. They are awful for the parent. No one likes to be judged, and I think most of us like having our children judged even less.

And, yes, the jagged hairline would break my heart. Not because my kid's haircut wasn't straight. But because it is a very visual reminder of how hard things are. How simple, every day tasks, are not simple. Not for you. Not for your kid. I wanted and dreamed of nothing more than for my children to have an easier life than I did. And they never will. It breaks my heart to watch them struggle and it breaks it even more to know they always will.

I don't mean to be going on and on, but this issue strikes a painful chord with me, and being that I am emotionally raw in general right now, I feel the need to say something. I have spent, quite literally, hundreds--maybe even thousands--of hours trying to learn autism from the inside out. Trying to understand my daughter's experience. Learning to respect it. I come to the parent's discussion area sometimes because it is my safe haven. My place to be surrounded by other people who love their kids dearly, but recognize that sometimes it just sucks. Plain and simple. And then I read an article written by a mom who is just trying to be heard, and the comments made by some people are just so...harsh. Judgmental. Dismissive.

I sometimes just long for the understanding of others myself, ykwim?

I hear you, InThisTogether.

Perhaps, though, this article also struck a raw chord with some who can relate to what the child was experiencing from their own childhood and the intent wasn't to harshly judge.

But, I would take my child to see Santa or to the amusement park. And, yes, he would probably have a meltdown- but he would be really hurt if we left him at home for a family outing. He always really wants to do these things. He loves going to birthday parties and gets really excited, and does have meltdowns- but it doesn't mean we will not take him if he says he wants to go. And, he will have a meltdown at home anyway. Also, we can't afford to hire a babysitter every time we go to the playground or shopping. The going rate is really high here. Plus, we live in the city. Sensory overload capital. Standing in line for Santa is about as upsetting as riding the subway here. If I had all the money in the world, I would buy a house on the beach. My guy does really well at the beach. Totally calm there, no meltdowns, serene. But, for now I can only help him practice being in the world he is in and give him chances to try and handle the things he wants to do, like amusement parks. And, it does suck a lot. For all of us. Today, he had a major meltdown on a crowded sidewalk. It took quite awhile for me to get him to a point where he could continue walking and stop trying to throw himself on the pavement. My older son and his friend waited uncomfortably to the side. People stared. Yes, I feel so much for my son. I would do anything to help him make friends, ease his anxiety, not feel so scared and frustrated. I also wish sometimes that we could walk down the sidewalk. I agree, everyone is entitled to process the feelings of their individual experience on this journey.

1. why can't a kid have long or somewhat long hair? it doesn't have to be short split ends can be trimmed
2. I think some people with autism are fine with haircuts, I would be one of them even as a child though it's not my favorite thing and its not very comfortable.

My son wants to go to some of those places, like theme parks, large zoo's, museums, etc...but when he is there he is bombarded with the sensory input and at some point will melt. I KNOW it and I avoid it at all costs, but he will ask to go.

yes there is hair that is difficult to brush. My NT daughter has thick curly hair and it HURTS her to brush it. No matter how soft I am, how much detangler I use, detangling combs, etc...washing and brushing it is a major chore and I can only imagine what the parent of a child with autism and her hair type would go thru. Honestly, for me, if she were uncooperative about having it brushed, it would absolutely have to be cut regularly. Her hair type, if not brushed out at least once a day, gets HUGE knots that wil take over her hair and they hurt her. It takes me about 30 minutes a day, and she has to sit still and follow directions or me to brush it out. A 4yo on the spectrum would probably not be able to sit that long while the hair is being combed thru and be able to look up, look down, to the left and right, etc as the smaller knots are worked out. EVERY DAY she has knots, its a major chore. YES it would be cut if she didn't cooperate and allow it to be brushed. She has been given the option to have it cut, and she doesn't want it cut, she likes it long and agrees to have it brushed out. If it were short it would be so much easier for me! Some hair types have to be cut if the child cannot sit thru regular grooming.

I think something that NT parents need to understand about autistic people is that they don't necessarily share the same enjoyments. Santa and amusement parks are played up by society as being somehow important. They aren't. I know that some of my frustration and alienation comes out of this discord. A lot of times I would become upset, I think, because I would realize how empty these things are and I couldn't/can't understand why people bother with them. Kids can pick up on what their parents think is important and if one plays up something as desirable that actually isn't, the kid feels alienated.

The only hair cut I could stand as a child was a skin head, I was lucky because it suited me and everybody seemed to like it on me but because I was in the care of the local authority the staff had a problem with shaving my head so I just used to get my friends to do it.

Parents are under a lot of social pressure to get their kids to do typical things. Some of it comes from that. The schools tell us our kids lack "typical" childhood experiences and that somehow this is why our kids are lagging socially. There is a lot of blame parents get, from everyone, no matter what we do. Some of us feel this more acutely at different times. Some of us with Aspie tendencies are somewhat better inoculated, but most of us feel this way, to at least some extent.

Little things can be hard for us. Not just because we try to shield ourselves from condemnation. Sometimes we are trying to protect our kids, too. Little things can trigger these problems. When it is my son's birthday and relatives ask what he likes, I have to figure out how to say "math and science stuff" instead of toys without attracting this condemnation. I don't mind taking the fall for being some crazy tiger mom (which I am not) but the problem is, if this happens they'll ignore me and get him stuff NT boys are supposed to like) If they know it is his preferences, then they will say things about him, sometimes to him. If I tell them to take their criticism and go to Hades, then, I am depriving him of social contact with "loving" relatives. If I put up with it, and allow him to be exposed to it, well, you and I know that is not exactly a boon to self-esteem.

We are socialized to want to do certain things for our kids and it takes awhile for us to really get that our kids will not enjoy the usual things other kids like. Sometimes we go back and try these things again when they seem like they may be enjoyed. (Some kids' sensory needs and interests change and we do monitor that)

I am not saying none of this occurs while parents adjust and give up the things they expected to share with their child (I know, little violins playing music here) of course that happens too. But most of the "irrelevant nonsense" parents try is b/c we are told to do this to build up tolerances, skills and interests and all that other stuff. Some are necessary skills, some are not.

I have tried really hard to assess when we are doing the right thing and when we are doing the wrong thing. I don't subject my son to Santa, though I do ask, if we happen to be where a store Santa is. Why? Well b/c if I don't there is a possibility he could meltdown later and ask why I did not ask him. It is not meant to be pressure, and I try my best to let him understand I am indifferent to his participation.

Some of it is us figuring it out.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 28 Jul 2013, 6:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

No, I have never taken my kids to see Santa either. I was speaking hypothetically, if he requested to. Actually, Santa would cause a meltdown in him because he doesn't like people dressed as characters. He finds it upsetting. But, he does like amusement parks. He loves the rides, even the scary ones. I think it satisfies some sensory seeking. He does fine up to a point in situations like this, and when he gets overloaded we leave. His meltdown triggers tend to be more socializing related. He doesn't understand how to navigate social situations and has meltdowns because he finds it so frustrating. Because of this, when his older brother is asked to go to a playdate and they invite my younger one to come along, I do not take the younger one. We avoid (when we can) social situations that involve too many kids or that I foresee will bring up meltdown situations. He probably does have more of a tolerance for crowded places than a lot of the kids here because, like I said, we live in a crowded city. We take public transportation daily. We are rarely not surrounded by a lot of people and lights and sounds. But, I also think every child is different and the parent (hopefully) develops an understanding of their own particular child's thresholds and triggers and the 'lessor or two evil' choices. Like, is it worse to take him to the large family gathering and deal with that meltdown, or leave him home and deal with the meltdown about not being included, or not go at all and not expose him to the advantages of family connections. It is always a juggling act.

Right - DS desperately wanted to do the store Santa, and would melt down both when he was in line, and when he was told we weren't going to do it. It took a long time to sort it out.

I think the thing to remember is that not all parents are alike, that parents have a learning curve, and that most of the parents here don't make arbitrary decisions based on societal expectations. We do a LOT of cost-benefit analyses (often using this forum for help) to try to figure out what things to keep up with and what things to discard.

For instance, my son's hair is now long, and I'm fine with that - but we still get it cut, not for style or length but to keep it from getting tangled and hurting him, and to help him keep it neat so it isn't a source of comments. I'm aware that the last one is a societal expectation, but for him it would hurt worse to feel like his hair was a source of scrutiny and false assumptions about other stuff by his peers than it does to get a haircut.

Has Santa had a hair cut lately?

I hated haircuts as a kid and did not get them. I don't think it was about them hurting or anything (though my mom highlighting my hair sure hurt-- I think having strands of hair pulled through a plastic bonnet with a teeny-weeny crochet hook would hurt anyone) as it was about control.

Once mom told me I was going to get a trim. Playing with my hair was my favorite acceptable stim. They cut most of it off.

I had a fit. She never got me near a salon again. To this day, I do not go to hair salons. When the dead ends are so bad it has to be cut, I hand my husband a pair of scissors and tell him, "Straight across the bottom, please."

Thank God I was a girl.

Not getting my son a haircut is not an option. When we lived in the South, long golden curls on a boy got him shunned and harassed (and he was, like, 2). It wouldn't be much better here.

So we don't do salons. We don't attempt elaborate cuts. We go all over his head with a No. 8 clipper. We do it in stages, of about 90 seconds, three or four times over the course of a day or two. For a day or two, he looks really funny. Then, it's over for another few months (I cut his hair about 4 times a year, no more; he likes some length on it and so do I).

The fun one to cut is my 4-year-old daughter. She cannot tolerate the itchy hair on her back; nor can she tolerate long hair getting in her face; nor can she tolerate clips or pigtails or braids or a ponytail. She cannot tolerate someone else cutting off parts of her.

So every time she gets hold of a pair of scissors, she cuts her own hair. Right now, she has a barely-feminine bob on one side, and a bad mullet on the other. We've almost gotten rid of the mullet. If she gets any taller (or more adept at climbing), I'm going to be Velcro-ing the scissors to the ceiling.

Social standards do have to be adhered to. It sucks, but it's a fact. It is far easier to force some degree of compliance than to change the world. Fitting in is part and parcel of functioning. It sucks, but there it is.

We can change the world a little at a time, maybe.

In the meantime, smiles and waves are a good comeback for pointed stares and nasty comments.

My mother used to smile, wave, and say: "Oh, hi! How have you been??" when this happened . It would trip people up for a minute trying to figure out if they did actually know us, and being really ashamed of being so rude to someone they knew if they did know us. Works pretty well.

I'm for changing the world.