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he insists I know his thoughts

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DW_a_mom
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04 Oct 2013, 12:42 pm

dreamingthought wrote:
aann wrote:
My son gets so mad at me for things he thinks he said, but didn't. I can't convince him that he never told me. I saw on another thread that some autistics assume we know what they are thinking. How can we address this?


If this is an autistic thing, then my Husband is on the spectrum too. He does this all the time, assumes he said things that he never said or assumes I should just know what he thinks. (honestly i wouldn't be surprised if he was)

But I think it is also one of those things that people who are close do to each other. You spend so much time with one another, you assume that the other knows things.

I've got nothing else to add, but good luck. Your post made me smile. I'll try and keep a sense of humor about it if my son starts doign this too.


To some extent, it happens with everyone. You PLAN to tell someone something, and that intent is so strong that you never realize you forgot to actually communicate it.

But, with ASD, it does take on a whole new lawyer, and I love some of the ways people on this thread have dealt with it. Humor is a wonderful thing; children accept instruction so much better when it comes with some lighthearted levity.


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DW_a_mom
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04 Oct 2013, 12:51 pm

MiahClone wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Can you imagine how unpleasant and frustrating this is?! People in your live "magically" change the ability to read your mind, on their own whim, with no advance notice to you.


I was honestly convinced that my mom could see through walls to know when I was up to something until I was about 10, and that both my parents had magical mind reading powers (and that everyone else had at least a little of the power) until I was about 16. I really used to wonder when I was finally going to get access to the magic. Then one day I realized it was the facial expressions and body language and felt like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.


Well, when it comes to parents, there is a LITTLE more to it. Thing is, we know you. A lot can be predicted based on the past, things you've forgotten and things you just aren't focused on. And, also, kids observe different things than adults do. So while we see things in a very normal way, perhaps through our peripheral vision, or just by memory (knowing the child ALWAYS says B to A), to the child it seems like magic. I must admit, I had an excessive amount of fun with little my little toddlers (one NT, one ASD) allowing them to think I had magical powers, when it was just astute observation and sometimes a little slight of hand when they weren't looking. Eventually they figured it out on their own; I figure that is part of growing up. NORMALLY. Obviously, when additional layers are involved, as they are with ASD children, the parent needs to figure it out and realize this isn't just a game any more, and whole lot more attention and care need to be given to the perception gaps.

Edit: just realized I have an example from when my son was a little older, maybe 11 or 12. He had delivered a long lecture on the properties of some creatures in a card game, and then, knowing that I don't always "really" listen, he started to quiz me on it, starting with super easy questions, things he had mentioned so often I did actually know. Well, I quickly noticed that he ALWAYS placed the right answer as option C, never A, B or D. I don't think he even noticed. So, as the questions got complicated, I just answered item C. He was so impressed, he delved into details he knew weren't in his little lecture. And as I got those right, he started to get suspicious. That was when he stopped and looked at me perplexed, no longer sure if he should be impressed or if his mom really was magical. So, I told him. We had a good laugh over it.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 04 Oct 2013, 1:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DW_a_mom
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04 Oct 2013, 12:53 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
This thread explains why aspie kids often have difficult relationships with the adults in their lives. On one hand:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I would definitely have told him something along the lines of what In This Together said, if I had realized what was going on when it was a much bigger problem. I just kept telling him I was not a mind reader and that he needed to use words and language for me to know hat he was thinking.

On the other hand:
momsparky wrote:
I think the logic goes something like this: DS knows that we know many things about what he's thinking before he expresses them. He doesn't realize that we know this because he's giving off cues with his facial expressions and body language (or, in his case, he is only partially aware.) Therefore, in his head - people know what he's thinking ALL the time, because we can guess some of the time.


Can you imagine how unpleasant and frustrating this is?! People in your live "magically" change the ability to read your mind, on their own whim, with no advance notice to you. So you never know exactly when you have verbalize everything down to the last drop, and when people will "just know". No wonder adult aspies have view their childhoods as being nothing short of horrible, myself including. This isn't a knock anyone's parenting; it's hard for NTs to adapt to aspies' thinking style, just as it's hard for aspies to adapt to NTs' thinking style. But this doesn't make an aspie's childhood any less unpleasant.


I think this post should be required reading for anyone who knows someone on the spectrum.


Really excellent thread and topic. This whole area can be such a tragic sticking point between NTs and those with ASD. We NEED to know these differences.


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aann
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05 Oct 2013, 2:38 am

You all are nailing the problem on the head, especially Momsparky. The inconsistency is a huge part of our problem - not knowing what his assumptions are and when he needs careful wording, or when that appears patronizing to him.

In addition, my guy sometimes picks up on facial expressions and body language, but misinterprets them. So he can scream at me for lying, when I wasn't even thinking or reacting to him at all.

I hope we can get to a place of humor. That will take some work! If my son could only see what we've talked about in this thread, we could make some progress.

Aspie1, on the toy on the radiator scenario, we have this problem constantly. One can face where someone is pointing, but may not know how far or close the object is. Now, this one we do laugh about.