So glad your child has a new bright spot at home. Best wishes!
IRT time outs: I don't view time outs or spankings as a magical answer for all behavioral issues with kids. And, of course, if you have an ASD kid you might as well forget about physical punishment. We chose to use physical punishment from an early age to establish some firm behavioral patterns. Fear of the pain of punishment is an effective motivator until children are mature enough to find intrinsic motivation for proper behavior. The risk comes from overuse. If kids figure out that physical punishment is quick and the are no further consequences, they might decide that poor choices get them what they want at a comparatively small risk. Loss of privilege is always worse than a spanking.
Time outs operate on the same basic principles as physical punishment, they just use a different mechanism. The driving mechanism of physical punishment is fear. No fear, no punishment. Once you stop being big, ugly, mean, scary, angry mom or dad, there's no point. In going there. Time outs, on the other hand, don't require you to be the wrathful, tyrannical overlord. For the child, though, they can be even more unpleasant than physical methods, simply because restricted freedom over the course of a few minutes seems to stretch out into eternity. That's why time outs seem to be more effective than spankings when they are consistently employed.
Where time outs break down is when they become battles of wills. Physical punishment is overused a lot of times because it is so easy. Time outs have to "stick," and a lot of parents don't know how to make them stick. And it's really simple: You WILL sit in the naughty chair until the timer goes off. Get out of the naughty chair before and we start over. Now, when this stretches into an hours-long battle of wills, it's easy for a parent to just give up. Once a child learns that it is pointless to resist a brick wall of a parent, the child will figure out waiting five minutes in the naughty chair is easier than making life hell for everyone involved. It takes a LOT of time and effort on the part of the parent to make time outs work, but it can be well worth it for most parents who insist on it.
My 19 month old challenged me to something similar over bedtime while I played single dad and went to visit their grandmother. It took several tries, but once he figured out I was watching and would not allow him to play anymore, he broke out in tears until I came to put him back in bed. The older two know they can't beat me at this game! Consistency in battles of wills teaches kids that as an adult, you are ALWAYS stronger than they are. If they figure out they can beat you, then they always WILL beat you. We are adults. We don't HAVE to let that happen.
Of course, I'm not every parent, nor are my kids every kid. My opinions are based on all the psych and education courses I had to take as an undergrad, the experience I had in classroom management, and personal observation and experience dealing with my own children. I'm aware that each case is unique, and I'm only trying to offer what little bit of help I can.
29 Nov 2013, 9:39 am
