Anyone else dealing with aggression at school?

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LizaLou74,

I wish I could give you a silver bullet. With us, it really directly correlates with stress. So the challenge is providing just enough real life stress to promote growth without overwhelming the child. I have read some of the Explosive Child material, as well. I have tried some of it. (We have not actually purchased the book, but based on online materials) and we are not quite there cognitively/communication-wise where he can articulate answers to the types of questions recommended. We try sometimes, as a groundwork kind of thing, but most of the time he genuinely does not know why he is upset, and/or is not capable of communicating what he does understand.

I try to work on the rigidity, especially b/c that is thought to correlate very strongly with aggression as well as communication and self-awareness b/c that is a big part too. That is a long term strategy. The short term really is about stress management. Hopefully someone will come on with more concrete help for you. We are just too far in the thick of it ourselves.

ASDMommyASDKid- I also have just been looking at online stuff about Explosive Child. I know he talks about children that say "I don't know" but I hadn't gotten to the point where he explains what to do in that scenario. But that is my son ...."I don't know" and I truly don't think he knows a lot of the time like you say. I find with him, things will come out when I least expect it. If I probe, he usually shuts down and gets quiet. If we are doing something, he will randomly say things about his day or school (like when he told me he sits by himself and that makes him sad). If I try to get more information, he will get quiet again.

I feel physically ill over this. I was already feeling depressed and isolated, and now the behavior at school and the fear that it might not work out there is just too much. On top of it, I have an extremely stressful job. I am seriously considering cutting back at work. I think it is becoming too much.

You have to (somehow) find time for yourself too. Last year was too much for me, too. I was a constant wreck. Luckily my husband is real good about giving me time when I need to take it, but still, it was hard.

I remember an Explosive Child podcast, and I think you are just supposed to gently ask more questions until you get a response, but unless I misunderstood, it still requires that the child think about it and articulate it. He also acknowledged it might take awhile to work. That is why right now I am approaching it from the standpoint of laying groundwork.

I tend to get more information later, also, when things are not so charged. I do not recall, if that was also a recommendation of that program,, but regardless, it is true.

I am actually currently finding things out from 3 years ago NOW. I don't ask about it. Something reminds him of pre-k or k, and he will tell me.

ASDMommyASDKid- It is so hard to find time for myself. My son's dad and I split custody. I am remarried and my husband is supportive (but even he is getting stressed). The way my custody arrangement is...the days/nights I don't have my son I work. I literally had my divorce decree/custody agreement based on my schedule at work. I have extremely little time to myself. My job requires me to constantly interact with people (many of them very needy). I seriously feel like I am going to break! I think I could cut back at work, but would have to make some serious changes in spending/finances. I am getting to that point where it may be a necessity for my mental health and to help me be not so worn out for the most important person to me, my son.

Interesting you are finding things out almost 3 years later. I wonder if that will be the case with my son. I don't know what he is NOT telling me. I do know the stuff he does tell me is usually weeks after it has happened. Last year in pre-k, he told me about an incident where two boys from the other class, pushed him on the ground and were kicking and hitting him. He told me this weeks after it happened. Then this year, with him sitting by himself...he told me this after it had been going on for a couple of weeks. By the way, he mentioned it again yesterday...saying that it makes him sad, and that it is rude that the girl who is supposed to sit with him doesn't anymore. So I know it is bothering him. It worries me what else could be going on that he just isn't sharing.

It is such a hard time. I keep telling myself it has to get easier/better but I am not seeing any sign of that right now.

There maybe resources in your area for some kind of respite care. That is the only thing I can think of. If there is a local autism org near you, they might be of assistance.

I know. It is rough.

I hope they have some better adult supervision for him. Kids can be mean when they feel they can say and do what they want, and you may very well have your source of at least some of the aggression, figured out...

I need to look into at least a support group in my area. I am coming to a realization that I can't juggle my work and be the best for my son that I can be. I am going to look into trying to cut back my hours after the new year. Meanwhile, I got a call Thursday at work that I needed to come pick him up from school because he was being aggressive (apparently hit someone). This is the first time the school has done this so I think their patience is wearing thin. I am so stressed as to what I will do about school. We are on Christmas Break now, but it is hanging over my head how next semester will be.

Is he being aggressive or protective? At this young age, it is likely protective reaction due to fear of the unknown. If so, punishment will not help, and can make it worse.

Is he being forced into something he does not understand or is afraid of public failure and being mocked?

Are there sources of over-stimulation (lights, sounds, motion, smells)?

If it is fear, then your complete understanding of the situation, and carefully braking down the activities through pictures and words to explain to him the 4 w's & h (what, why, when, who, and how) and address his fears can resolve this situation (others might pop up). Often times teachers give instructions that briefly describe the "what" to do, without enough context that visual thinkers can understand.

If it is over-stimulation, address each source separately, again giving full visual and verbal explanation of what the source is and why it is not harmful so that he does not need to focus on it.

The problem is, if you are not there to witness what is going on, you are reliant on others to figure this out and report it honestly. If the teacher or other observers are not capable of this (or are trying to build a case or are trying to validate what they already think, even subconsciously,) you will not get an accurate assessment.

When our (good) teacher was out and people who did not understand our son were brought in from the district, when he melted down, they claimed he was acting out for no reason, with no triggers. They refused to give pertinent information to the school shrink unless he asked (How would he know what to ask) about all the change they had initiated, so as not to influence his findings, so none of this was factored in. They just claimed "no reason." I was in and out of there a lot, and there were so many triggers... none of which meant anything to them.

Well apparently this episode on Thursday the school told me he attacked this girl because she stopped talking to him and started talking to another girl. When I asked him about what happened he said it was because she was teasing him. Not that he did the right thing in either scenario but something set him off and I believe his version because he is always been so honest even if he does something wrong. He woke up this morning and out of the blue asked if I had a lot of friends when I was little and said he doesn't have any friends. It breaks my heart.

Did he say if he was angry or scared, when she teased him?

Did he know what he was doing was wrong, therefore it was a matter of impulse control? If he fully understands that people will fear someone who hurts them and not want to be their friend, he might work with you on impulse control.

Did he say if he was angry or scared, when she teased him?

Did he know what he was doing was wrong, therefore it was a matter of impulse control? If he fully understands that people will fear someone who hurts them and not want to be their friend, he might work with you on impulse control.

He said it made him mad. He knows what he did is wrong, so it is definitely impulse control. He says he understands that kids won't want to play with him or be his friend but he can't help it.

It is excellent that he understands the issues. You might want to check out the book "Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary Executive Skills Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential" by Peg Dawson for ideas of how to help him with impulse control.

Thanks I will definitely check that out!