Aspartners: Questions

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What a bunch of lunatics. Do not waste even one moment trying to figure any of it out. They are angry, bitter women who are drawn together through a perceived sense of shared "suffering" and who feel better by making themselves into martyrs and victims. Honestly, it seems rather pathetic to me and it seems that they each have a fair amount of their own trash to work through. They appear to have their own damage that is probably only loosely tied to their AS partners (at best.) Their behavior is vile and to blame it on someone else does not make it less vile. I would be ashamed to be one of them. And the fact that they are so shameless makes it even more repulsive.

Granted, my father could definitely be described as an "a$$hole" quite a bit of the time and I can certainly understand where the pain would come from. But not the hate. I used to feel very hurt by the way things were with my father. It took me a long time to get through it. But the pain never made me hate him, especially once I realized that most of the a$$holishness about him was most likely due to AS. Understanding that allowed me to tap into compassion instead of contempt. It doesn't seem like they were able to do that.

...Birds of a feather and all that stuff. Stay away. Trying to understand them or to expect them to see any view other than their own is an exercise in futility.

You mean they kicked out the "good" aspies too? They must have changed their policy and enforced their rule.

I will PM you my links to my stories. They are not PC of course. I like to do reality.

LOL at the post that suggests we should all marry another aspie and NTs should stick with other NTs. I have been with an aspie and it didn't work out but that was because he was an ass but I still don't trash talk aspies except him and people with his personality and I do think lot of their husbands are asses. I am sorry for the woman who was abandoned by her husband when she got breast cancer, I think that was a dick move on her hubby's part when he left her because he "couldn't handle it. Guess what, even NTs have left their partners over them getting sick or getting incontinence or getting disabled and I still think it's a dick move on their part. Mine has gotten worse with his condition and he has been afraid I would leave him but I never have. Was it hard for me? Yes. Did I break down and function less? Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. What is his condition? The thing is we're only getting their word. It does seem like a lot of the issues they have with their hubbies are similar issues that occur in regular marriages. All Asperger's does is it may another layer to the cake. What's crazy is we're not allowed to communicate with them on their blogs yet they come on here and b***h at us and solely blame Aspergers. It may contribute but the dude may simply be an as*hole. It wouldn't matter if they were on the spectrum or not. More than likely they're dealing with sh***y husbands just like you had sh***y boyfriends in the past. My question is what attracted them to their husbands in the first place?

What initially attracted you to some of your ex-boyfriends?

I think PC may be an issue as well. With PC, it is not allowable to consider a disabled person an as*hole. I will admit I have been an as*hole myself especially during my meltdowns which I should not have done but a spade is a spade.

By the way, I've read the first four chapters of the 1st book and I am impressed.

Do they come on here? That is not right.

not them in particular but those like them. You've seen it in the "Raised by a Aspeger Parent" forum.

I don't think this kind of Us and Them thinking is helpful or constructive.

They are a bunch of individuals. Part of what is making them act like jerks is their individual attempts to mold their shared experiences into an identity. Since such efforts are always dishonest at some level, they are finding the going difficult and resort to scapegoating--one of the oldest, most effective and most destructive plays in the book.

Don't respond in kind.

What is with these women? Look at post 21. Is this woman dropping acid or something? I wasn't talking about being in a personal relationship. I was talking about society in general, as a whole and in the abstract. I am talking about the culture and the workplace as well. Politics and the constitution is a part of our culture so yes it has everything to with aspergers.

I feel at times like it is like paying the mafia protection money meaning they supposedly protect a store owner from hoodlums but one can't refuse the service or he will be hurt by the mafia's hoodlums. What it comes down to is "you do it our way" or you will starve in the streets. We have no representation in how the social veneer is shaped or being able to choose alternatives with positive outcomes.

Exactly, what compromises would we have to make to society(USA) as a whole and would we receive any reciprocity back? What would be the terms of the compromises and do we have any say in these terms? Do we have any agency at all or do we have to goosestep, capitulate conform especially in the workplace?

I don't think those woman care about any of the more abstract (to them) points that you made.

All they care about is that they feel aggrieved, and martyred. The political part annoyed her b/c there is a lot of vitriol in the air about politics and so she obviously has a lot of vitriol in her about that, too.

What you are talking about is an activist approach, which, those women would have no interest in.

I don't think there would be a lot of support for what you are talking about. It is hard enough to pass things like extensions of unemployment benefits much less adding protections for Aspies in the workplace.

So many states are "right to work" states and anyone can be fired for any reason other than very hard to prove discrimination.

The environment out there is not very pro-aspie. The argument would be that you get representation via your right to vote and that is good enough.

The whole forum is about relationships so when you posted your questions they assumed you were talking about relationships.

Both my ex's seemed nice when we met. The first one was eager to work and have a job but then he didn't want to work anymore and he complained about having to pay taxes, having to buy things he needs, paying for gas, complaining about his boss or other co workers and then he didn't want to keep looking for work when he was silently fired. his boss quit putting him on schedule which means he was fired.

The second one was a hard worker and always worked hard despite his back hurting but he still worked because he needed the money to live despite being in pain 24/7.

You don't know at first until you are with them more and why women stay baffles me. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out of it. Maybe it has to do with women thinking they can change their men. I have seen discussions at Babycenter how people think people are too quick to leave their partners and divorce instead of trying to fix it and work things out and my argument is what if the partner doesn't want to change, you can't change someone if they don't want to change. Is their idea of trying to change men trying to work things out? Is that why women stay married to their abusive partners because they think it needs to be worked out? Why do these women on ASS Partners continue to stay with their men after finding out about them having AS and thinking they will never change? Some of them are divorced but continue to be in that group. One of them said the media makes AS out to be a personality quirk but it doesn't show reality with it meaning they are jerks.

My husband has brain damage and seizures and he was born with birth defects in his feet so it leaves him in pain 24/7 and it gets worse when he is on them for too long and when he sits, he can't stand on them because they hurt so much. When he had a seizure in the shower, he fell and hurt his back and he was on sick leave. Then when he went to a doctor, they sent him to one who didn't know what he was doing so he made his back worse (thanks Kaiser) so he could barely move and do anything an couldn't help me much so I was on my own and him trying to take care of our child while I'm at work didn't make him get any better. It would take him five minutes to get to the bathroom and back, twenty minutes to get to the kitchen so imagine how long our son had to wait to be fed. It was very hard going to work and worrying about your husband never getting better and when we will ever be back to our normal income again instead of living on my own income going paycheck to paycheck and our son being stuck in a play pen or high chair because my husband wouldn't be able to chase after him if he does something dangerous like climb on a bookshelf or grab on it. Luckily I only worked part time so it was only five hours I was gone. My husband didn't start getting better until our parents had our son until he was better and that was lot of weight lifted off my shoulder.

The reason why some NTs come here to b***h at us is because Alex allows NTs on here and post. I doubt all of them are from ASS Partners. But the NT over there doesn't allow aspies on there to post. Their house, their rules.

Anyone can be an as*hole. Disabled people are not immune to it.

I understand.

You're right, I do have representation but in the political sense but not the social sense.

Here is the tenth amendment to the constitution.



We're dealing in things that are outside the realm of politics and the governmental structure altogether. These things like the social veneer are made by and enforced by "We the People." Even though we are free in the political sense and we're nothing like North Korea it does not extend in the social sense. We have no representation or influence in this arena. When it comes to the workplace the social aspect seems so monolithic and their social aspect seems similar.

It all seems like a choice between Kang and Kodos or in mafia terms "It's an offer one can't refuse" if it is a protection racket or you will have face smashed in. Do we as Aspies have a say in the development of our cultures we live in? For the workplace, it seems so slanted towards the employer. What is the level of Agency that spectrumites and other people have?

I will quote Fnord,



To me, he is right. One's success is dependent upon how much one is willing and able to conform, capitulate, and compromise in the social veneer. True compromise means we come up with a solution that works for both of us. In America, it seems so one sided and slanted towards and extraverted style. Do we have a say and do we have representation in how the USA culture will evolve?

The fact that they married their Aspie husbands tells you straight away that there "was" love and emotion there.

I read the entire post. I admit I was gobsmacked when Cubedemon was blocked from posting from the admin in the very next post, and with a very hostile attitude.

I can understand the girls venting and wanting some agreement support. It does help. But to block Cube and tell him "we don't want your kind here" is truly stunning.

They are hostile women, which makes me think their relationships with NT hubbies wouldn't fair any better than with an Aspie hubby.

Cubedemon: Socially it is always and has always been about conformity. I am not a sociologist and have never taken any sociology classes, but once cultural norms are established they tend to change in a somewhat organic fashion unless there is some explicit upheaval (Like the Taliban or other totalitarian style regime) When things get critical mass, change may occur faster when it comes to things like civil rights, but it still takes awhile.

It depends on the public mood, which things like Sandy Hook have made worse than they were. The stories of this or that bad thing happening to some autistic person that come out here and there, don't seem to be moving public sentiment. No one has an explicit "vote" or individual representation when it comes to these norms. It is more akin to Keynes' "animal spirits" though applied to sociology instead of economics.

GregCav, Their forum front page explicitly states they do not want aspie participation. I am not familiar with the site, but based on others posts there have apparently been exceptions, but as a rule they do not want this. I understand them bringing out the banhammer, given their stated policy, but I (hopefully obviously) don't agree with the nasty comments that ensued as cubedemon was being very polite as he always is.

They are allowed to run their hateful little community the way that they want. I am not even going to parse their posts on their relationships b/c I doubt that they are anywhere close to being reliable narrators. Maybe some of them have valid points that apply to their specific situations, but the gross generalizations that they make about aspies make me a little ill. I would rather that they have their little space than come over here to spread their hate.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 10 Jan 2014, 7:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Here! Here!

I have come across sites that are about as bad with NT bashing. There is no point in even reading any of it, because there will never be an opportunity to educate in that kind of environment. In order to learn, one must be open to learning. As long as "those people"-- whether it is NT bashing Aspies or Aspie bashing NTs-- stay in their own sandbox, and stay out of my space, I think it is best just to leave them be because no matter how wrong they are, they will not hear the other side. And honestly, I suspect that my attempts to reason with NT-bashers in the past have probably made them hate NT people even more, just as I imagine that your attempts to reason with these women has probably made them hate Aspies even more, Cubedemon. Not my fault, or yours. But simply something that is.