My 6 year old son diagnosed with partial AS yesterday, help!

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The problem I have with these labels is they really do mean different things to different people. Some people use mild to include anyone who is verbal. Some people use it only for people who can pass so well, they don't get diagnosed until adulthood. It doesn't mean anything consistent in everyday, vernacular speech.

Most autistic people have some degree of splinter skills. The deficits are not all uniformly lined up at the same level. When my son was diagnosed, he was rated at below a 1 percentile for social interaction. His verbal milestones were on schedule, albeit idiosyncratic. He started to read at 2, and has been above level in math since he was a small little thing. His emotional understanding and control is well below--maybe at 1/2 his age. So how mild he appears depends on where he is, who is around, and what he is doing. It is not a static thing. It just is not. He can pass around adults if they are not especially insightful, but around other kids he sticks out like a sore thumb. So is he mild? I don't know, and I don't worry about it, because it doesn't mean anything.

Some things in your posts that really popped out at me are the comments about affection and desire for socialization. Many parents on here and adults as well can tell you that some children with ASD are cuddly and affectionate (mine included) and that some are outgoing and have a desire to socialize (mine included). However, while my son could make some friends when younger, played often with children, and will still play with anyone who will play with him, he has no friends right now. We are working on that. As a 7th grader, no amount of "observation" of other children and social skills classes since 2nd grade on have made him able to blend in with the other children. He knows all the right answers to the social skills questions, but cannot make and keep a friend of his own age (the nearest thing to he has to a friend is an 8 year old that lives down the street).

Willard's post is very wise. Tonight I find the closing comment about the idea of mild particularly resonant.

The thing with blemishes is quite common. Things that can be perceived of as contaminated, blemished, tainted or corrupted will be rejected.

I'm bothered by the term mild, and I've used it, so it took awhile to figure out why.

Mild is a term I'd use to describe to someone with no information about ASDs who needs something that will hopefully keep them calm. This is my opinion as well, nothing research based. I think after reaching the point of awareness of nonacceptance by others, it won't ever, or at least not for a very long time, feel mild to the person her or himself. That's what's troubling about the word mild. It isn't really mild, even if that's a useful description for some people!

I understand why a lot of you are sensitive to the word "mild". Your point is that even though I say that, Nico still sees the world in a much different way than I do. And no matter how much he progresses, no matter how "mild" he seems to me, he will always have struggles that are quite "unmild" for him. I agree. I don't mean to make any form of ASD sound less than it is, please don't take it that way. I get that he has special needs and will always do the best I can to make his journey through this life as happy as possible.
Another question for everyone, Nico always seems to have to have an item or toy that he carries around constantly. It has changed from toy to toy, for a while it was a blue elephant stuffie. Then it was a stuffed penguin. Then, one of the most bizarre, because he takes these things everywhere, even to bed, and never lets go for more than a few minutes, was an iron bat Halloween decoration. It was hard iron with a soft mesh covering and not really the sort of thing that you would think would be enjoyable to take to bed, but he did. Now his latest obsession is the figurine "Velma" from Scooby Doo. He takes her everywhere, thinks she's alive, asks her questions, and, to comfort him, I make a really good Velma voice that he loves and I answer his questions as Velma, lol. Anyway, was just wondering if this is also a trait of AS, carrying something around obsessively like that. He gets nervous sometimes, though, that someone will see that he has her, especially men, and gets scared that they'll think because Velma is a girl that they will say it's a girl's toy.

Thank you, Adamantium, for explaining the blemish thing. I had a feeling it might be a part of the AS, guess I was right. There's nothing anywhere that I've read yet that mentions it, but is a direct example of how different each case of AS is and you simply cannot list every trait. Nico is his own specimen. I'm learning more and more that Aspies take on their own form of AS, each and every one of them. Like snowflakes. No two are alike.

The more I learn about AS, the more I put together things from the past. The more I understand why when Nico was a year old he would have 3 or 4 pan lids twirling on the floor at the same time. He looked like a circus plate spinner show, it was kind of cool. Not many babies that age are coordinated enough to have 4 spinning at the same time, lol. But what I know now helps me put things like in place, now things are starting to make more sense. I wanted to ask you guys (sorry, I know I have a lot of questions but I am taking advantage of the wonderful people on here and the info they have for me....) I want to get Nico involved is something that he really likes, like a hobby of some sort, or learning something specific. I wanted to get him into a sport, soccer, t-ball, etc., but he's just not interested. He's not the type to do anything that involves a team, rules, structure, etc. Not one to "join in". This makes me sad because he needs the socialization and playing on a team with other kids will help him learn how to socialize more, he needs that. Should I try to put him in something sporty anyway and he will fall into it, or not force him to do something like that? If not sports, are there certain things that you guys can think of that Aspies as kids, teens, young adults tend to enjoy? Would really like some input there because I am quite lost on that subject. Thanks so much guys

Regarding the toys - I think it's a kid thing more than an autism thing. People with ASDs can often stick with these childhood comfort items into adulthood. There was recently a thread on this issue here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt249043.html

Regarding sports - I think it's a good idea. Sometimes people with ASDs can have a hard time adapting to change, so anything new may be poorly received at first. So I would reserve judgment until he has had a chance to adapt (at least 4 times). I would also try to pair it with as many positive things as you can (for example take him for ice-cream afterwards, bring a preferred item along). I would also avoid pushing him to the point where he gets very frustrated and throws a tantrum. If a 30 minute practice is too much for him, start with 15 minutes and slowly work up.

Thanks for the info, Emile. The link about stuffies is kind of all over the place and mostly talks about teens and adults bringing stuffies with them. The ones that do talk about children and loveys, it's hard to tell if the poster has ASD or if their kids do, etc. so it's kind of hard to follow. But I did read it.
Nico does well with Velma. I've told him in the past that it's not a good idea to take her out of the truck if he takes her somewhere for fear that she might get lost. He is fine with that and has a special place that he puts her in the truck so she is there when he gets back. He's lost her before, he is really bad with keeping track of things and loses things easily, and when Velma gets lost it is not a pretty sight. He doesn't have meltdowns, that's one trait he has skipped and I am thankful for that, but this would be the one thing that would probably cause one. I read on your link also that one poster said her parents told her she couldn't hold her lovey, that she was too old for it, and even locked it in a car overnight. I think that's just awful. She was still a kid. I would never tell Nico that he shouldn't carry Velma around, if it gives him comfort and isn't hurting anyone than I don't see the point. When he gets older, if he still has her, then yes I think there is probably a point where I'll have to discuss with him that people won't understand and to keep her in his pocket or something. A couple people on the link mentioned that kids will tease every chance they get, and I agree. We don't want to give them any more ammo. It's a hard situation though, if it brings comfort, I would never want to take it away. Too bad society and cruel kids have to ruin that.

That's also good news, Emile, that it is not unheard of to start an ASD child slowly in a sport. I think it's worth a try and thank you for the encouragement
Still wondering if there are particular things that ASD kids seem to take a liking in though. Things that their situation pairs well with hobby-wise. I've read that a lot seem to have a natural talent for music and I have heard Nico singing when he didn't know I was listening, and he was actually singing the harmony to a song in the perfect key. His father and I are both musicians, too so it's in his blood. Maybe I could look into some type of music lessons. I hesitate though because I don't think he will have the patience or the focus, as how he does in school has proved that. I will keep researching though.

Many areas have Lego clubs. Legos are often loved by kids on the spectrum. My daughter is fascinated with them and has always been a gifted artist and puzzle-doer. She has visual skills that are enviable, even by adults.

Sports can be a mixed bag. Some kids, like my son, also have fine and gross motor deficits that make sports difficult. The only kid I have ever seen who is less coordinated than my son, was me as a child. What did do wonders for my son was Tae Kwon Do, and I have known many other parents of kids on the spectrum who had success with martial arts. You just need to be very careful when selecting the gym your child trains in. The one my son went to was a heaven-send. They actually took him aside and physically manipulated his body to show him what to do. He has a really hard time imitating someone else's physical movements, but if you can show his muscles what they are supposed to be doing, he is much more successful. They also never made him feel bad for progressing more slowly than the other students. The benefits he got were learning to slow down and be mindful, greater body awareness, frustration tolerance, pride, sense of accomplishment, and being completely accepted by non-family members, even though he was different. The tenents of Tae Kwon Do were also emphasized and the repetition and learning of them has helped my son. His master and instructors were exceptionally adept at figuring out when my son could be pushed and when he needed to be eased up upon. In fact, one of them was better at this than I am. He did some nun chuck training, and he was able to do a demonstration at his new school when we moved in 5th grade. It gained him a lot of points with some of the kids who previously laughed at his clutziness.

Things to be wary of if you want to try martial arts is any master who thinks he can train the ASD out of your son, or who thinks it is the result of lack of discipline (not as in punishment, but self-discipline), or who thinks that your son's failure to progress at a "normal" rate is reflective of himself, leading to anger toward the student.

I know a few people who teach music and are also trained as music therapists. Music therapy is it's own thing, and may not be necessary for your son, but someone trained in music therapy probably has a bit of experience working with kids on the spectrum, and would probably be a good music teacher for your kid. In any case, if you decide to set him up for music, I would ask around a bit first before settling on a specific music teacher. I've known a few kids with ASDs who have a talent for music (e.g., perfect pitch, great memory for melodies, ability to play things on piano by ear), but they've also been very resistant to formal instruction. The result is they plateaued and then sort of settled into being good for a beginner. There's nothing wrong with that, but getting a positive, knowledgeable and comfortable music teacher early would probably help them get past that stage.

I think it's important to find what he enjoys as an individual. I may have misunderstood, but it sounded like he had yet to be evaluated in more depth--I do think that's important to have done, as difficult as it is to not have answers you want and need in the present about what is going on.

Your son sounds so very much like mine-- and very near in age (my son is in 1st grade and a couple weeks from turning 7). Your opening paragraph sounded so familiar-- the types of issues he's having at school, combined with the other traits, like his intelligence, humor, sweetness…

We've been slogging through this school stuff for about a year now-- we have always known our son was "atypical" but we never thought anything was "wrong" with him, maybe because many other family members, myself included, are somewhere on the spectrum ourselves, and his behaviors seemed so familiar, almost "cute", the way you feel when you see your baby mirror mannerisms that remind you of a relative… when he first began to exhibit the inflexible behaviors ("you're doing it wrong!" -- about stuff like, how his little brother was playing with a toy…) we didn't see it as a Red Flag… it was more like, "oh look, how cute, he's just like me!") But see, I grew up knowing I was different, but not in a labeled "disability" type of way… I came to my own gradual conclusions about which traits I felt were problematic for me, which ones were probably wise to stifle (so people wouldn't misunderstand and think me a jerk), which ones were actually assets, even if unusual, etc… and I felt so strongly that that was a good way to grow up, that I really resisted, STRONGLY, the idea of "labeling" my son. I didn't want him to grow up with an identity of being somehow "defective", of needing to be "fixed", of needing to "pass" as "normal". But we never ever imagined that he would have so much trouble at school. We figured he would be considered eccentric and goofy, maybe, and that he would have to catch up on the "prison rules" (line up, shut up, do the work) but that otherwise he'd be "okay". Nope. It's been really tough. He was really unprepared for all the demands, the pace, the sensory overload, etc. He is like a different kid at school. Sure, he has some quirks outside of school as well, but outside of school he definitely falls more into the "interesting/eccentric" model. At school he is clearly "disabled", relative to his peers, when you consider very specific things, like, can he sit down and write his spelling words without getting caught up in some tiny detail that doesn't relate to the task at hand? Can he avoid getting upset when a teacher uses some figurative phrase that seems stupid or "inaccurate" to him? Can he "tolerate" an error? (usually the answer is, "no.") Honestly, I think many of the AS traits can be ASSETS in some fields (especially engineering and the arts-- one of my neighbors works at CalTech, and she joked that probably half of the staff there is on the spectrum), but they are terribly disabling in an early-education environment, where the expectations of self-regulation and conformity are almost militaristic.

One of my inner conflicts is that, being very much like my son, I really relate to his annoyances with certain things. But I still have to be his Mom. Like when he gets angry about a worksheet because there is a typo on it. And I have to tell him, "Yeah, that bothers me too! It's stupid! It's frustrating! But you know what? You have to do the worksheet anyway, even though it's flawed." I think a lot of these things will improve with maturity. Will he still be affected by certain things WAY more than the average person? YES!! But he will (hopefully) develop his own coping strategies so that these things don't derail an entire hour, morning, day, whatever. The great thing, I'm realizing, about early intervention, diagnosis, (and labeling) is that maybe, if you find good, smart people to help, maybe the kids can find their way to those strategies much much sooner.

The bad, yucky, enraging thing about diagnosis and labeling, is that so so so many people out there are just ignorant. And they think that autism = LIMITED. And they can't help but to slam a ceiling on your kid and expect WAY less of them. And condescend to them (and to you). And that's one reason why I was hoping we could get away with "eccentric" because people don't place limits on "eccentric". People are so judgmental, so stupid. And it's very very hard to just "let go" and realize that stupid people are always going to be there, and you can't control that. And that even if people think your kid is limited and pitiable just because of something written on a piece of paper, that doesn't actually mean ANYTHING about your kid. But it IS scary when maybe those same people are involved in directing your kid's education. That's when it gets really tricky.

No matter how kind, willing, enthusiastic, etc, your kid's general education teacher is, they may just simply get burned out. Depending on how much extra time your kid needs from the teacher, you may want to consider pushing for an IEP and seeing if the school will provide a one-on-one aide. We resisted that for a while, because we didn't want to stigmatize our son (and we kept thinking that he didn't REALLY need an aide), but really it made things so much better. Of course that also depends on how good of an aide you can get. Then you take a lot of pressure off the teacher and he or she can just focus on running the classroom again, and that in turn takes a lot of pressure off your kid.

Someone mentioned being wary of your son being placed in a classroom below his capabilities. That's a big fear of mine as well. But that too is very tricky, especially when the intellectual capabilities are not in balance with the emotional capabilities. My son may be some kind of genius, but he really can't keep up with the general education class, because he gets "stuck" on details or questions that he's curious about, or annoyed by something to the point that he can't continue, or derailed by his own perfectionism, etc…so what do we do? Keep him in the Gen Ed class where he is often disruptive, and can't keep up, especially as the pace becomes more intense? Or move him to the Spec Ed class where he can better cope emotionally, but loses access to the curriculum he needs to be intellectually challenged? The obvious solution is homeschooling, but then he loses maybe the most important thing of all, which is the exposure to dynamic social situations-- and I won't do that, not unless he is becomes so miserable that it's the only reasonable choice. It sounds like maybe your son is not as disruptive in the classroom as my son, or maybe you have a much more permissive school atmosphere (how I wish for that)… I hope you don't find yourself faced with these kinds of choices too, where you have to sacrifice one thing in order to improve another.

regarding the "mild" debate. I pretty much agree with what "Waterfall" said, in that it's most useful as a way for newly-dx people or family-members to not freak out too much. And even though I do think there are huge differences between those who identify as severely disabled, and those who others would argue are "questionable" (plenty of AS people grew up with others simply thinking they were "weird" or "jerks" or whatever… and that's certainly different from someone who needs the assistance of, say, another human being in order to manage daily living requirements), but what's the point of even qualifying it? And again I think it just comes back to how much you feel you need to worry, and an instinctive search for some kind of reassurance that everything is going to be "okay".

I do think things are going to be "okay". I get fed up with the negative, doom-talk of some staff members at the school who don't have any personal experience with ASD and therefore have that whole "pity" feel about them. Using phrases like "succeed within his limits." I, on the other hand, have grown up with spectrum people and I know that being on the spectrum does NOT mean you won't have friends. It does NOT mean you can't get a job, get married, have kids. Etc. Yet people who don't know any better express surprise at these things sometimes… "really? He has AS and he's married?" It's offensive, really. But they don't know any better so I just try to ignore stupid comments like that.

Regarding friends, in the school-age-years, I also caution those who think it's dependent on "fitting in". Yes, it will be more challenging, in those conformity-driven years, but really you don't need an ocean of friends. You only need a few. Or even one. Being different or "weird" or whatever is not a deal-breaker for making friends. There are people out there who want to be friends with, marry, and make families with AS people. Who PEFER to be around AS people. You just have to find them.

Regarding hobbies & social activities. I agree with Waterfalls that you should probably let his natural interests guide you. I think it would be an error to push him into something he's not naturally drawn to. It could just become another arena for him to feel as though his differences are highlighted. For my son, we were lucky enough to enroll him in an after-school chess club for little kids through the elementary school. It appealed to his intellect and was a great way to be social without the pressure of "teams" or physical competition. And most kids that age are really terrible at chess, so they can all be terrible together. Very little pressure.

If you really want him to do something physical, I'd suggest something non-competitive, but still social, like taking him to a group-swim type of thing-- like swimming lessons, followed by open swim (if being in the water is something he already enjoys). He can interact with other kids and "try out" social strategies while also getting all kinds of good physical sensory experiences, which is a great combination for many ASD kids. And if he became physically or emotionally uncomfortable he could just get out of the water and leave, without any negative social consequences.

Okay, this is way too long already!

Enjoy your son, he sounds wonderful.