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My 17 year old son wants a girlfriend

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cyberdad
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13 Feb 2014, 12:23 am

Karent0 wrote:
Hi everyone,,, I just signed up,,, I have a 17-year-old boy who is extremely sweet and when he grows up he wants to have a girlfriend and I don't know how to handle this problem. He is very limited and his cognitive ability I would say about five or six-year-old and he really wants to have a girlfriend and him and his words tickle her. He would like an exact date and time in which she could have a girlfriend to buy a bathing suit for and tickle her but obviously I cannot do that I know that he is going to struggle with this for a long time. Does anyone else have a similar situation? He is also in a group home right now and is extremely aggressive when he's not the sweetest child in the world. Thanks everyone,,, Karen


I think the general consensus here is you need to prepare your son for socializing with girls first before he goes to the next level and dates them. I it possible to socially engineer gatherings where he could spend time with girls his age? that really is a prerequisite for him. The first thing he needs to do here is watch and listen to girls, what they are interested in, how they talk etc.

The second issue is your son's cognitive ability. You and he need to be realistic here that a fair number of girls (Aspie or NT) won't tolerate dating a guy with the intellect of a 5-6 yr old. What can compensate here is his appearance (is he good looking?). does he take care of his grooming. Also if he's a physical kind of guy who likes sports or dancing then that's a big ice breaker. Hopefully he has other things going for him...work on his strengths, build up his language/intellect and give him more confidence.



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13 Feb 2014, 3:55 am

Based on what the OP typed, I think he does not understand sexual relations or what having a girlfriend actually means. I think he is a long way from that and that was why I focused on the time prediction aspect. Everyone gave very good advice about dating prerequisites, and i think it will take time to acquire those skills once he understands what a girlfriend actually is.

The bathing suit/tickling thing to me, shows he has really no understanding other than he wants to see a girl in a bathing suit and to have physical contact that he does not actually understand his urges for. So in addition to these other great pieces of advice, he is going to need some basic sex education, too, and understand things better from both an emotional and physical perspective including consequences for things beyond "tickling."



OliveOilMom
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13 Feb 2014, 4:52 am

EmileMulder wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Well, I don't know how much what I can say will or won't help but I'm gonna say it. I am the diagnosed aspie in the family although I think my youngest son, who is 18, is one too. For years and years when his friends were having girlfriends and going on dates, he played video games and hung out with his friends. Thats not the reason I think he's an aspie, but it's one of them. Anyway, for a while I thought he might be gay, but he's not. A few months ago he said he has a gf. Then he brought her over for a few hours. The next day he brought her over for the night. Then he brought her over again. She hasn't left. She's brought her things here and isn't leaving. Apparantly he now has a live in gf. She has a job, yet he's still Peter f***ing Pan. He plays video games all day and goes out and hustles up money somewhere or other but she is the provider there. He's found a girl to take care of him. Which is NOT AT ALL what I wanted for him. I wanted him to find a girl and decide to take care of her, get a job, any job, shovelling sh** if he has to, just to pay the bills. But no. We have this now. She cleans crime scenes and disaster areas.

Be careful what you wish for. That's all I'm saying. I love her to death, but he doesn't have to do anything while he's with her. She's just like me. She will fight his battles for him.All thats going to do is up his score in whatever video game he's currently playing.


This seems like a spot for some tough love. The girlfriend gets to live rent-free, so she can afford to spend her money on him, while he doesn't earn anything. This is not a sustainable lifestyle. I recommend giving him some notice that in X number of months, he will be expected to pay rent. If he needs help getting a job/getting into a college, you can help with that, but you should not continue to provide free lodging while all he's doing is playing video games (i.e. not even trying to get jobs). I know you weren't asking for advice...but I just thought I'd throw that out there if it helps.


And meanwhile, what are you doing for your kid again?
I'm just asking.


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The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


thumbhole
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13 Feb 2014, 6:44 am

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:

The bathing suit/tickling thing to me, shows he has really no understanding other than he wants to see a girl in a bathing suit and to have physical contact that he does not actually understand his urges for. So in addition to these other great pieces of advice, he is going to need some basic sex education, too, and understand things better from both an emotional and physical perspective including consequences for things beyond "tickling."


Tickling a girl in a bathing suit is too specific an idea to have come from nowhere. Something or somebody must have put the "bathing suit + tickling" idea into his head.

Have you asked him where he got that idea from, OP? To me it sounds suspiciously as though he may have seen a film or read a book or seen a poster or heard a conversation about someone "tickling" a girl in a bathing suit, and that image made a big impression on him, and is now firmly stuck in his head as his impression of what he wants to do with a girlfriend (or perhaps even what he thinks all men do with their girlfriends).

Or maybe he saw someone else tickling their girlfriend somewhere in real life, and the girlfriend happened to be wearing a bathing suit and looked attractive in it, and the couple looked happy, and he thought to himself: I want to do that.



ASDMommyASDKid
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13 Feb 2014, 8:30 am

thumbhole wrote:
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:

The bathing suit/tickling thing to me, shows he has really no understanding other than he wants to see a girl in a bathing suit and to have physical contact that he does not actually understand his urges for. So in addition to these other great pieces of advice, he is going to need some basic sex education, too, and understand things better from both an emotional and physical perspective including consequences for things beyond "tickling."


Tickling a girl in a bathing suit is too specific an idea to have come from nowhere. Something or somebody must have put the "bathing suit + tickling" idea into his head.

Have you asked him where he got that idea from, OP? To me it sounds suspiciously as though he may have seen a film or read a book or seen a poster or heard a conversation about someone "tickling" a girl in a bathing suit, and that image made a big impression on him, and is now firmly stuck in his head as his impression of what he wants to do with a girlfriend (or perhaps even what he thinks all men do with their girlfriends).

Or maybe he saw someone else tickling their girlfriend somewhere in real life, and the girlfriend happened to be wearing a bathing suit and looked attractive in it, and the couple looked happy, and he thought to himself: I want to do that.


I did not think of that, but that could very well be true that he got that specific idea somewhere.



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13 Feb 2014, 12:27 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
The bathing suit/tickling thing to me, shows he has really no understanding other than he wants to see a girl in a bathing suit and to have physical contact that he does not actually understand his urges for. So in addition to these other great pieces of advice, he is going to need some basic sex education, too, and understand things better from both an emotional and physical perspective including consequences for things beyond "tickling."


Agreed.

As to the idea of tickling ... the concept of tickling is used a lot with very young children when talking about things like inappropriate touching, and I know tickling has actually been used by predators in grooming kids. I am not going to stretch it here, and say my guess his use of the term is nothing more than another indication of how young his mind is, but all that is really for his mom to figure out.


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DW_a_mom
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13 Feb 2014, 12:34 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
OP, I'm not a parent, so I'm prepared for my opinion to be brushed off before the rest of this post get read, but...

I (male) clearly remember what dating---or lack thereof---was like at age 17. First of all, if your son can drive, and you haven't already do so, GET HIM A CAR.


Aspie1, I do appreciate your perspective, but I would highly doubt that a teen the parent suggests has the mental maturity of a 6 year old is going to be ready to drive ;)

Also, just so you are aware, cars are not as big a deal in some areas as they used to be. Here teens aren't even allowed to drive a date (or anyone who is not a family member) until they have had their license for a full year. Combine that with no driver's ed in schools, and so many other things making it difficult to get a license, and you basically have a situation where the girls accept it as normal for a guy not to drive. Many teens here prefer more casual, less pressure dating overall, too, and that also reduces the pressure. Basically, my son's dating life tends to consist of taking impromptu walks around town (I make sure he has money for stopping at the trendy little cafes), and that seems to be completely normal and accepted. I realize that won't be the case everywhere; every group of teens seem to develop their own standards and whatever those standards are, you can bet pretty much all the teens conform to them, that is the way teens are.


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