I'm really depressed by other parents sometimes

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There are all kinds of kids out there, and what works for one kid does not always work for another. I don't think the OP meant to judge parents whose kids are unsafe outside of an institution, and I certainly don't. There are circumstances beyond our control.

Also, there are institutions that successfully care for the disabled and help them lead happy lives. When I lived in Kentucky, I was amazed at the county board of mental health - they consistently brought severely disabled (meaning some so physically incapacitated they were wheeled in on gurneys) to the various arts programs I worked for. The residents always seemed clean, happy and healthy, and were allowed to verbalize or flap or otherwise express themselves in whatever way they desired. We always looked forward to their visits.

Contrast that with the young man who was recently killed in the Chicago area, because his parents had been counseled to call the police if he refused to go to school and the police had labeled him as a "young man who likes to fight with police." Even though the boy had a loving family, he wasn't safe where he lived.

I think the OP was talking about parents who don't seem to care about their kids at all...and, sadly, those are out there. I don't know why or how (can't imagine it myself) but it isn't exclusive to kids on the spectrum; plenty of people were just not cut out for parenthood.

When my little guy was diagnosed I immediately went to Autism Speaks. Not only was I directed, but it was the only site I knew about. It freaked me out, it is geared for classic autism and I assume is a great benefit to parents who kids are on that end of the spectrum. I also know that you need a face of Autism if you are going to get money for Autism. I am not bashing them, just explaining my experience. The average person when they think of a kid with autism thinks about a child who is severely disabled. This doesn’t match up to the kid you know, but the website your doctor and everyone you know tells you about speaks about this end of the spectrum. That is confusing and scary. At the same time they tell you about this magical ABA and stories about how if you just get your child into this program right now there is a chance that they will mainstream into regular school.

For me it just made me defensive. I wanted to protect my perfectly quirky little man, who had some speech and social delays, from this machine. I was terrified that they wanted to change him, grind him up and make him into something other than himself. I was probably closer to refusing therapy and homeschooling than I was accepting the barrage of treatments (special preschool, 25 hrs a week of ABA, speech therapy, OT therapy and family counseling). However, I could just as easily see parents taking the other route. Take the hope and let the overwhelming process drive you. Put on your blinders and fight, fight, fight for your child in the prescribe way that your doctor told you. Follow the 100 day list and connect with other folks on that site.

After a day of shock, I did what I always do and started researching. I learned more about HFA and that not everyone was an Autism Speaks fan. I ended up putting him in a special preschool and starting ABA which have been wonderful and already have helped him increase his communication.

The idea of group homes is scary. I still find it scary. We have all heard horror stories, my 4yr baby in some Dickens like place. Yes, 20/30/40s and 4yrs are a big gap, but at the time you just know a 4yr little boy. I know there are great places and if that ends up begin the best decision when he is ready to go on his own, then that will be the decision. 5 months after the diagnosis, I know he won’t be a what they called pre verbal adult, he already has started talking more and asking for what he wants. The day after the diagnosis where they told me his verbal skills were that of an 18 mo, even though I had heard him sing complicated songs and use SAT vocab words in context, but only when he wanted to and that was not very often, I was in shock. I saw 45 yr version of my beloved child who couldn’t ask for water and me not able to care for him because I am too old and him alone in group home being ignored and mistreated.

This is not to say too many parents are trying to force their children into being normal, not just because they have ASD but because they are different. I am NT but have seen plenty of people pushed into the normal mold by parents and friends. Lots of human beings only accept normal, why should parents of ASD not be in that group. I just am grateful that I found a place that provides support for me and advice on how to help my quirky little guy. I think there needs to be a lot of education about the spectrum portion of ASD. I also think that there needs to be a better landing place for parents with Aspie/HFA kids than Autism Speaks or Autism Speaks needs to embrace the entire spectrum in a more meaningful way.

I don’t agree with parents who feel ditch or dump, but I can see how they might get there and not be horrible parents. They are just scared and misinformed, working in panic mode. They take the model of a warrior parent fighting a disease that can be cured if only they are good enough at getting the resources for their child. They are also being fed by money making institutions. There is money in autism, intensive ABA can cost 100K+ a year, private autism schools as much as university and goodness knows how much group homes cost.

This is why the parents on the show "Parenthood" offend me so frequently. They seem to have such narrow personal definitions of what is "normal" or what could possibly be a "happy" or "full" life, and it is based on what THEY personally experienced or would want and not what their son experiences or would want. Like the idea of their son being WHO HE IS is such a nightmare? That it's weird and unacceptable for him to be interested in lizards instead of baseball, and he's doomed to be lonely and miserable because of it? It gives me a headache, these parents. I get confused by the show because I can't figure out if it's admirable that they portray realistic (offensive) parents who do love their son and yet can't truly accept him for who he is, or if the writers actually think they are awesome parents?? And just when I think the parents are coming around, they will stun me again, like when they realized the character Hank may have AS and they were like OMG MAYBE THERE'S HOPE FOR MAX TOO, like they just assumed he could never find love or get married because he has AS ?!? Arggghhh…..

Sadly, in reality, and not just on TV, I see this attitude everywhere… people have very narrow imaginations of what is possible, and even narrower definitions of things like "success", "happiness", etc...

I think the writers of Parenthood are doing something very difficult: bringing something into the mainstream that most people have zero experience with. I think, therefore, they are doing it in a way that most of us IN it can't connect with. It makes me laugh sometimes, but I appreciate that it's out there because it's making other people be a little more understanding, which I think is it's real purpose.

Someday, we'll have more AS characters and families that are not so one-dimensional on TV, but we have to start somewhere. It's light-years from Rainman, right?

TheSperg I have to say you are a SAINT if you aren't judging them because honestly, I think parents like that are PATHETIC! I have spent all my retirement savings helping my child, whatever we can do to help him and have a great life, we do it. NO, not the ABA and all the other craziness that if "they don't do this we'll tie him up" and stuff…just little by little doing things. For example we go to a hotel every once in a while that has a "kid's camp" but the camp is usually empty…We pay about 80USD for a full day camp or 60 for 1/2 day…the best money we have ever spent. Even when he is ALONE with the teachers/camp leads, he loves that he is doing something alone and that "normal kids" do. Only a couple of times has there been another child, usually much younger than him and they end up having a great time.

We had a huge house, great life, etc…we downsized and now rent a tiny apartment…it is worth it everyday as we can actually enjoy life with our son and spend the resources helping him lead a normal life and doing many things which greatly help him. I despise parents who give me the line of "it's so difficult, he needs to be put away". Sorry, my son was incredibly difficult for MANY years until "I CHANGED"…yes, I changed my parenting style, I changed how I talked to him and things changed drastically. He became much more calm and things couldn't be better.

It isn't just them. It is those like the Tea Party. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irx_QXsJiao

These guys were willing to crash the debt ceiling.

I have read a bit of Nietzsche and I must say he is the most depressing guy I've ever read.

I have stared into the abyss in many other ways and it has already affected me in a profound way. I don't know how to effectively deal with it and with respect to aspartners I tried to make peace with them and it did not work at all.

Have you seen the movie called A Scanner Darkly. I would be better off taking Substance D.

You have to remember that you are only in control of yourself and the people who have these kinds of entrenched beliefs are a small minority. They aren't worth your time and are best ignored. Even the Tea Party is a small minority and eventually they will go away: the key is not to try to change them, but to do our jobs as citizens and vote according to our own beliefs.

The thing is though I come from Jewish background and when I was younger I was introduced to survivors of the Nazi and they still had their number as a tattoo on their skin. I understand where admantium and you are coming from but in the early days the Nazi Party used to be a minority party as well. They did all kinds of backroom deals and manipulated their way to power including the burning of the Reichstag.

I just have big fears because one thing that reading of history has taught me is that minor issues can turn into major ones with a quickness.

I hear you - you are not wrong about the Nazis. The key to their power was not the centralized Nazi core, but that they were able to sway the masses and nobody stopped them. THAT is where your energies should go - that's why voting is so important, and being engaged in the political process as well.

The Nazis still exist, but they aren't in power anymore because people turned their backs on them when they realized how wrong they were (and when they finally were able stop their intimidating tactics to remain in power) It's the average person who can be swayed by reason that you need to place your focus on, not the people who are ranting and crazy.

The problem though is some very hateful rhetoric resonates on an emotional level with many people even when it is irrational. That was the problem with Nazi Germany, too. When conditions are ripe for discontentment and emotions are high it can be very dangerous.

Two major contributing factors that allowed the Nazis to come to power:

1) economic problems - Germany was in an economic depression. A lot of people were in dire straits financially, and desperate people go along with (or vote for) things they wouldn't normally.
2) racism - The Nazis didn't invent anti-Semitism. Racism against Jews was already common in Germany before Hitler came along.

Hitler harnessed the racism that already existed in Germany, honed it, and placed the blame for all Germany's problems on the Jews (scape-goating). Hitler himself wrote, early on in his career, that people were foolish to believe his propaganda. He wasn't racist, but he was evil enough to use the racism of others to advance himself. There is some evidence that he eventually began to believe his own lies, but as he likely suffered from syphilis he may have been less than sane at that point.

I guess my point is this: addressing broader societal ills helps insulate against the rise in popularity of extremist philosophies.
Which makes me wonder - if I am correct, what does this say about the state of America and the rise of the Tea Party?

Oddly, I never got this impression from the parents of Parenthood, perhaps because I'm a parent faced with many of the same issues. I don't think the goal is to turn our kids "NT" so much as to make sure they have the best environments and supports available to make their lives more functional and work toward autonomy and self-sufficiency, and hopefully as an end result, satisfaction with their efforts and ultimately their lives. My main concerns are of how my child will be able to navigate the treacherous waters of society, and the psychological toll that will take on him when he is faced with much less tolerant and understanding people, as I will not be able to protect him forever. My fear is that he will not be able to cope well, and I need to teach him not only the myriad complexities of social navigation (as it presents itself in the world of dating or getting a job) but dealing with ongoing rejections and frustrations. I think his very aggressive exterior hides a scared and vulnerable interior, and he has a wall made of steel that doesn't allow me or anyone to penetrate it, especially when he probably needs it most.

I hear you.

I feel the same things. I have the same fears. I think a tendency to dwell on them is part of my neurology.

I am also very concerned by threats to the environment. When I was a teenager and read the "Global 2000" report prepared for President Carter, I became deeply depressed. All the projections were so grim. Future wars over water and food seem inevitable. Nuclear proliferation, nuclear terrorism and nuclear war (on some scale) seem inevitable.

Our species is deeply flawed.

My personal experiences with neo nazis and skinhead left me convinced that one must always be prepared to kill them. If push comes to shove, kick and shoot, it may be you or them and no one deserves to die more than willful hatemongering extremists who have looked into the nightmare of history at the very darkest moments produced by the Nazis and concluded, "I want some of that, here and now."

This is something I wrestled with for many years, because I wanted to be a pacifist. Now I am at peace with it. If racists threaten my family and there is no other recourse, I will end that threat as quickly as possible. It's good to get some self defense and firearms training so that you know you can do whatever might be needed. But these are not healthy things to dwell on.

Having reached a conclusion about that, I determined to deliberately focus on other things.

When I was younger, I used to feel that the negative was more real than the positive. There was so much compelling horror to learn about. But then I realized that there was a balance and the negative did not negate the positive. Somewhere, people were suffering and dying during every one of my happiest experiences. Likewise, somewhere people were feeling joy, elation or delight during my worst moments of pain, misery and suffering. The sheer numbers of us make this inevitable.

Given this reality, you have as much reason to focus on the positive as the negative.

More than this, you can construct a rational, utilitarian argument in favor of focusing on the positive.

If you focus on the positive, you can create a happier, more beautiful world for yourself and the people around you. Would the people you most admire have achieved any of the things you admire them for if they had spent all their time dwelling on the many awful things and potentially awful things in their worlds?

If you are focused on the negative you may fail to notice and attend to the positive things in your immediate environment. This impoverishes your experience and coarsens your relationships with others. You can injure their feelings, particularly the feelings of children, just by ignoring the beauty and happiness and joy they make and share.

This is not to say that you shouldn't think about these things at all--but have some perspective and a sense of proportion. And if you are not sure if you are paying enough attention to the right things, better to make the error focusing on the positive than the negative.

I wish you health and happiness.

Adamantium, if you don't mind will you please read my blog and critique what I think?

http://whyifailedinamerica1.wordpress.com/

Any particular part of it that you want me to look at? The most recent entry?

Mikassyna, I agree about "Parenthood" -- the weakness has to do with it's being television. They don't mean to be offensive and haven't thought it through deeply enough. I wish they would hire Alex to consult on Hank and Max.

http://whyifailedinamerica1.wordpress.c ... ns-fruits/
http://whyifailedinamerica1.wordpress.c ... 03/15/229/
http://whyifailedinamerica1.wordpress.c ... mit=Search
http://whyifailedinamerica1.wordpress.c ... /04/23/42/

I would love for you to look at all of them if you can but if you can't try to read some of these and please tell me what you think.