Motivating a young adult

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Most aspies that are in my circle have a horrid feel of failure. So, even if he is not depressed per se (which he may be--under the radar) he will avoid doing anything to contribute to something he assumes will end up as failure.

Step one--Looking for places to apply---This one he probably could do, if his organizational skills are up to making lists, and following through. He won't do it b/c the next step is:

Step two--Applying for jobs. Aside from the fact that this moves him further along in the process towards failure--He may also be afraid on talking to people in person or on the phone. He may also have insecurities about writing/typing resumes and cover letters. He could fail and get zero positive responses.

Step three--Interviewing--This is incredibly scary. He could be asked things he does not know the answer to. He is dealing with a person he doesn't know, about something important. He could fail and not be hired or not be called back for a second interview. if he does get called back for a second interview, he has to do step three all over again.

Step four--What if he does get the job? He could hate it and be miserable. It will take him away from special interests, too. Then if he quits he will feel like a failure and people will be questioning him for quitting. He could ruin it with his time management issues, inflexibility and difficulty dealing with people and then get fired. Then he will have to answer questions about how he failed. Oh, or it could go great, but if he has a catastrophizing type of mind he all but assumes this can't happen.

Imagine all this running through his head, anytime someone reminds him to go do this or that to find employment.

I am a parent, so I am not saying this is a great way to look at things. It is not. My son is 8, and I can see the seeds of this, already, in how he approaches other things. I have to figure it out for him, too. He just has more time than your son. I don't know how it will go. I worry about it already, is why I say this, even though with an 8 yr old I probably have no right. If I offend, i am sorry.

Maybe try to allay your son's fears and tell him you will be happy with whatever progress he makes, and that you will help him. Try to turn it into something cooperative rather than you feeling like you are nagging him. I don't know if it will work

What are his interests? Until I know this, I don't think I can suggest anything further...

Maybe you can get him started by doing some research first and finding for him the first job/volunteer position to apply for, then he can try that one and see how it goes. Maybe the task is too big for him to get started, and he doesn't know how to start, but if you do the start for him, then he can start by following through on one prospect.

My advice was basically, depending on what his interests are, to start guiding him through a job application for a position he would actually have interest in. This will give him a grounding; it will allow him to get used to the steps of the process. Hopefully once he gets accustomed to it well enough, he could do the same for positions he is less interested in. The goal at first is not to apply to the best positions, but to the most interesting positions, just to get that spark going.

I just had a strange thought and it might be too far off to be of help.

What if you told him to research jobs that would be completely inappropriate for him and to have him explain why they would not work. Why would he hate them? Why would he not be good at them? Encourage him to be as outlandish as he can possibly be and to find the strangest jobs that he would hate that he can find.

Maybe if you got him started there, then you could say "OK, so now let's find jobs that are NOT these." If it is a fear of failure that is driving his reticence, then wouldn't starting by researching things that would NOT work and explaining why be less threatening? And couldn't you use the exercise to start shaping his perception of what a good job for him would look like?

This is a great thread, with wonderful advice.

I'm thinking I wish I were there to actually guide him toward a job, motivate him toward a job. Have you (Guildmom) checked out the Ontario Asperger's Society? I would guess they have workshops/seminars/therapy groups for young adults--with instruction/encouragement on obtaining a job a prominent topic. Perhaps, in this way, he could be around young adults who are inspired to obtain employment. Perhaps he could go to NT workshops/seminars/therapy groups for young adults as well.

I assume that he has graduated high school. Has he gone to any colleges and obtained a certificate? Does he have any special desire to obtain a certificate in a certain area? Or even go to a university to obtain a bachelor's in a subject of his choosing?

I would also emphasize that he is now a young adult--perhaps treat him a little differently--like an adult. Talk to him like he's more your equal. Speak to him, gently, about adult responsibilities. Pat him on the back. Gently encourage him on his quest. I would say that he cognitively KNOWS that he cannot just lie around the house for the rest of his life--Aspie or no.

Let him know that you will be proud of him when he starts contributing, on his own, to the household expenses (are you getting any benefits based upon his Asperger's?)

If I hear that he has found a job, I would be most glad. This is exactly where I wish my career path led: providing ways for people with ASD's to be as independent as possible, assisting people in the transition to adulthood, where they feel pride in themselves.

I think I should also point out that management-type input from my parents is horrendously annoying. I hang up or drive away when the subject of how to do my job comes up, because it usually involves accepting a pay cut in direct relation to my age; help your son remember something he was already invested in & continue with it, or change working disciplines.

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I just wish I could SEE the guy.

It's hard to evaluate a person's work-readiness when one cannot see him/her in person. I feel, upon reflection, that it is possible (again, without seeing the guy), that he might need some work-readiness type of preparation before he actually seeks a job.

Then again, the guy might be ready now--but he's merely dragging his feet (because of the fear of failure?) At the very least, the guy MUST KNOW that he must get out of his stagnant situation. The more he remains in that situation, the harder it is to get out of it. As the cliche goes, it's harder to teach an older dog new tricks.

Am I correct in assuming, Guildmum, that you believe he is ready to seek employment now? That he only needs MOTIVATION? That he is capable RIGHT NOW?

I do believe Guildmum would provide a solid support system for her son. They both have to pull toward each other, instead of one (the mom) always doing the pushing. That would make for a more productive relationship between the two.