Any parents of AS girls?

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My daughter is 6, she was diagnosed right before her 5th birthday. Technically what she has is very severe aspergers because her speech was not "delayed at age 2" as the DSM at the time required (old DSM, not current one) but really HFA is more accurate in terms of her experience. Her offical DX is moderate/severe autism with no verbal delay. That was done so that we could get services through school and have a slightly easier time with her IEP. Aspergers isn't taken seriously and there are less services available with an aspergers diagnosis. She is very bright and is grade accelerated but also has a one on one aid in class full time.

Wow. I resemble that statement!

I also thought, growing up, that if I could just be "popular" that whatever was "wrong" with me would be fixed. I wish I would have realized back then that it wasn't "being popular" that would have made me feel better, but rather finding friends who truly valued me for who I was. I wish I would have been encouraged more to find the things that I really liked and then to pursue them relentlessly. I wish I would have been told by my parents that I was weird, but that it was glorious and set me apart and that I should embrace it. I think I would have been much happier. Instead, I spent many years not really knowing what I liked, and instead trying to like the things that I thought other people liked. And trying to figure out why I couldn't be like them, no matter how I tried, and how they could tell that I wasn't like them.

That one still stumps me...how some of the kids were so keenly aware that I was not like them. And brutal about it. I still don't really know what "gave me away."

In This Together, thank you for what you wrote, it really resonates with me and where we are with my daughter right now.

The quote above is exactly what I want and hope for my daughter - that she understands, loves and embraces ALL of who she is, and surrounds herself with others that do as well. I truly hope that for all the children on this board.

Love to all.

You're welcome.

My parents always told me there was nothing wrong with me and left it at that. I know in my heart that they were trying to help, but it didn't help, because I knew it wasn't true and then I was just left feeling alienated from them as if they didn't understand anything about me. I do feel the need, in honesty, to point out that I am not an Aspie. I do have ADD and am probably a shadow. But I suppose growing up weird is growing up weird, no matter where your weird originates.

My kids have grown up hearing the word weird. We celebrate it in this family. I wanted to desensitize them to it and make it into a "nonword" of sorts. I tell my daughter "you're weird, I'm weird, your brother is weird, so what?" I figure unless you can change something about yourself that you don't like, you better learn to embrace it and make the most of it, ykwim?

My mother always told me I was "eccentric" because I was so smart. I think that's the best explanation she could come up with, given that it was the 80s-90s and autism was some rare condition Rain Man had.

I like this. That is neat.

When my dad told me I was fine, it confused me during my "trying to fit in years" but it did not bother me b/c I knew whatever I was, he was the same. (also back in the day before anyone knew what do with under the radar autism) With my mom, I just didn't trust a damn thing she said, anyway, b/c none of it made any sense to me.

I think acceptance and recognition (even if you do not know what exactly you are recognizing) go a long way, and it gives you room for mistakes because you have trust on your side.

I think that's very true. I think if my parents would have said "You're right. You aren't like other kids," it would have helped. I imagine that they probably felt they would have been damaging my self esteem. What damaged my self esteem was trying to do things like everyone else, never being able to pull it off, and having no idea why...and then having parents who basically made me feel like it was all in my head.

I think if they would have just acknowledged that I wasn't like everyone else, it would have given me "permission" to relax about it a bit, so I think you are also right when you say it gives you room for mistakes because you no longer have to try to be "perfect."

I don't know if this is really germane to the concept of "just" AS girls anymore. But I guess in some respect it is since so many fly under the radar and can appear "normal" to many outsiders. But I would imagine that doesn't always mean they feel "normal" on the inside. Even though my daughter has little self-awareness regarding her differences, she has talked about "trying" to have a "normal" life and realizing that they other kids don't have to "try," they just have one. I know my son is very aware of "duck paddling" (look calm and cool on the surface, but underneath your feet are spinning at warp speed to keep you above the surface). He knows he has to work much harder than his peers, often with less success. Not easy. But I do think it helps him that I acknowledge this, instead of just downplaying it and telling him that there's nothing wrong.

I was told, that I was different. "Our little loner", my father said lovingly. All the years I resented and hated being called special and different. It sort of underlined my difficulties with mates. Could have used some guidance.