Frustrated at my sons lack of interest in basic hygiene

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He doent swim, he's had classes but I could never get him to take an interest. He loved baths when he was younger but he is getting so tall, I don't know how he could manage it. I am dead set that come hell or high water somehow he is going go properly shower. He doesn't fight much about going in there to take one, and he does not rush to get out, I often have to remind him to get out because two other people need showers the same night as him. That makes me think the actual water coming down on him is not the problem. Plus it's dodging the issue, he has got to learn to cope with it. I've been thinking about this all day. Not only are we going go calmly revisit how to do all this stuff the right way and check it, I'll try offering like an extra ten or fifteen minutes of wii or iPad time if he shows me he's done it correctly on his own each night. How long we can or should keep this up I've no idea. I'm not certain I can make him get that he should do this to stay healthy or to have pride in himself, but if anything maybe I can drill it into him through routine and if he doesn't do a good job he gets in trouble, or doesn't get a reward, or just plain old hell have to do it again or else mom will do it for him. It's not just the actual shower, it's the lip picking, and not brushing his teeth that really worry me. Also the broken plastic part of his glasses rubbing on his ear deeply concerns me, but that's not a Dailey thing really. I guess we can go over that when he's cleaning them he can check all the pieces are in tact before he puts them on, he hates cleaning his glasses too. I will switch that to a night time chore that he has to show me before he gets game time.

I don't make him do lotion on his body lol even to me that seems girly for a boy. But he does have to put aquaphora on his lips because he keeps ripping the skin right off of them. He's going to get permanent scarring there if I can't stop him.

If he would wash his body with just shampoo, I'd settle for that too. I'll ask him tonight if he is more comfortable with that. But he can't just rinse off. He still smells after that. It's almost summer, he can't cover up the Bo smell by just rinsing, it's where I'm drawing the line.

My 13 year old aspie daughter is pretty good about hygiene because we started really young with her about the importance of it (I think she was only 2), so she will even ensure that everyone has washed their hands if they go to the bathroom and will even check to see if your hands are still damp or smell like soap or she will time you on how long you brush your teeth. So sometimes she is the hygiene police.

But she really hates wasting time on bath night, so I let her have it every second night and she is happier about not having it daily. She also hates the feel of a lot of body products like lotion or lip balm. I give her deodorant, but I don't think she ever uses it - it just gets lost. And she hates washing her face too - she ended up getting a skin infection two weeks from really bad acne. I had to force her to wash her face twice a day to put the special cream on. I told her if she doesn't wash her face regulary, she will get infected acne again and she can pay the $60.00 for the antibiotics, but I doubt this will get her to wash her face religiously.

For teeth time, do you brush as a family? My girls and I usually brush our teeth together and floss too in the evening, so I can ensure they brush at least once a day. We also use mouth wash to help out with cleaning. The routine must not be too bad because she hasn't had any cavities in years and she has a really bad sweet tooth.

Your son probably thinks all of these things are a waste of time, but I know how you feel when you are trying to force a resistant teen to do something. For me the worst thing is trying to get them to do their 5 minutes of daily chores or to help put groceries away or to do the half hour weekend chores. My aspie daughter will decide she hates chores and I have to bribe her and reward her or give up and then her twin doesn't want to do anything either cuz it's not fair.

Maybe I will try the everybody brush at once thing. I have the same toothbrush as him so if he sees me doing it properly each night and the moons are all aligned he might catch on. Maybe.
I have the same problem with chores at our house and have to bribe away too. Fun times. Lol.. We have had the same rules about hygiene forever also, he just doesn't mind them.

And the moons are all aligned - too funny.

We have to find some humor in it right? Or risk loosing our minds lol at least that's true for me. ; )

It could be the transition: cold bathroom --> warm shower --> cold bathroom. I would be the same, would resist taking a shower and resist getting out. We had an electric heater in the bathroom, that helped a bit. Still, even as an adult I don't take showers every day, just can't be bothered.

This is coming from my own experiences. I'm a 22 year old female. I was a VERY clean little girl, but I had trouble brushing my teeth until I developed OCD compulsions and routines. My husband is currently 26, and he had issues as a teenager and still has issues as an adult.

When I was younger, I did "brush my teeth". I payed attention to how you were supposed to do it, but my teeth "felt" clean after only brushing in a straight line. I never flossed. When I noticed I had calculus in my teeth and the smell was HORRIBLE (I only had one little piece, but still). I started flossing ALL OF THE TIME. I would recommend you have him chew foods that will get stuck in his teeth and annoy him, so he will try and floss.

With my husband, he had horrible acne (although some of it wasn't related to his lack of hygiene). He brushed his teeth, but not very good. He NEVER flossed. He would skip days of brushing unless he had to go somewhere (on the weekends, he wouldn't brush). He was OK with showers unless he didn't have to go anywhere. He refused lotion and his skin suffered (rashes, itchy, peeling skin, etc.)

I will tell you the following things I would recommend:

1. Get his teeth checked for periodontal disease. Find pictures of it. Show the expenses of it. Repeat the fact that it smells REALLY bad, and females find it unattractive (if he's straight and/or interested in them). Repeat that other people have sensory issues with smell, and we all need to respect each others sensory problems. This might help him be empathetic. My sister, while NT, refuses to floss unless it's on one of those floss holders. Consider this.

2. Use rewards. My husband is 26, and I use rewards with him. He is diagnosed with periodontal disease. He loves video games. We will be getting a chart where he will get "gold stars" for brushing his teeth and flossing twice a day. After so many stars, he gets a reward.

3. Since he isn't brushing his teeth good, LIMIT SUGAR! Use stevia or anything else if you have to. Everything will still build up on his teeth, but sugar will advance decay at a much faster rate.

4. Be EXTREMELY specific, and be specific before he does something. Go over what he needs to do before a shower. Not only that, but go over why. If needed, ask him to stick his finger in his bellybutton or something and smell. Most people don't like bad smells, and sometimes people can't smell themselves unless it's up close and personal.

5. He will perceive you as being annoying and nagging, ignore this.

6. He is not ready to be independent. I know he is 13, but he is not like other 13 year olds. My cousin was almost exactly like yours, and his parents stopped following him around at that age with the reasoning "he should know better". I know how stressful this is to you. I have to follow around my husband still. However, he is obviously not learning. There is a point where he is clearly not being independent. So, follow him around. Don't bath him (at first), but inspect him. If he did not do something properly, have him do it again. Watch him brush his teeth and correct him. Have him brush his teeth when you brush your teeth (two things done at once). Have him take a bath instead of a shower, if possible. I couldn't stand showers until I was older (it didn't feel nice on my skin at all) I know it seems bad, but you must inspect him washing. Since he is not doing this, you're right; it IS a health issue. It may seem awkward because he is a male and is 13, but this is for his own good.

7. The bad news is he might not learn this stuff until he is older. You might have to keep following him around.

6. Have alternatives ready. He doesn't like to wash his hands? Have sanitizer. He doesn't like to put on deodorant at the time you say? Have him to it the night before (use one of those high strength ones "Dove Clinical) Doesn't like to brush his teeth? With hold sugars and remind him about the reward system. He doesn't like to wash? Get one of those no rinse shampoo/body wash foams/sprays from a medical supply store. Stress that if he washed, you wouldn't have to do this.

8. Rule out sensory issues. Again, I had to take baths until I was older because I couldn't take the droplets of water on me. If he has periodontal disease or gingivitis, it actually does hurt brushing/flossing until the infection is under control. I thought my husband just didn't like lotion (he insisted ALL lotions were bad on his skin), but we finally found one that didn't bother him (cerave). Make sure all body washes are scent and irritant free. Make wash time fun like you would a small child (music, those bath time paint things, toys, so on). My husband brings up that he hates "gel" or "clear" deodorants because they feel sticky long after applied and are wet. He hates roll on or liquid. He will not do spray on. It has to be a solid, and it has to be dry. (Well, he actually took to liking old spice, so now he uses that). He says a lot of soaps smell funny, are too drying, not enough to get oil off, or just weird on his skin. He is able to verbalize this, but your son may not. Maybe ask him to describe how he views the soaps. Have him go to the store and have HIM pick out products. Get samples if possible. Get him those 2-in-1 shampoo and body washes. While expensive, there is a body wash by the brand philosophy. It's relatively mild, but it is scented. You can get him their scented body washes (they smell like CANDIES, COOKIES, AND CAKES!!) This may motivate him.

9. Take breaks and do things fast. If he takes a shower, as soon as you hear that water go off, knock on the door. Make sure he has a towel on. Hand him the deodorant to put on RIGHT THEN. Give him lotion to put on RIGHT THEN, before he even dries off. Do not make him do other chores and/or brush teeth right after he showered, as this can overwhelm. Before he takes a shower, make sure all of his "supplies" are all laid out. Maybe keep lotion in the shower so he can apply stuff to his lips and other dry parts right after. The less time hygiene "wastes" (he probably views it as wasted time) the better. When I was younger, my mom would threaten "If you don't do it, I will do it for you". There have been times where due to depression, it would be a week of sleeping non stop and not showering. Even to this day, my husband threatens to do that sometimes. The embarrassment gets me going. Sometimes, he has to help me up, get my shower going, lay out all of my stuff, and put some body wash on a washcloth. Sometimes, he has to start washing me, and then I will continue and he will leave the bathroom.


My final tip if none of this works: Draw him a bath and put a crapload of liquid soap in it. Have him sit in the soapy water. It's better than nothing! LOL!


I have ADHD also. When I was younger, I WISHED someone would just help me with stuff. As much as I hated the idea of it, if my mom would feed me, I would start eating (I would forget to eat and drink water and she would have to feed me as a teenager). When I had to do chores, I would need help starting them, and I would need someone to stand there to make sure I was doing OK. Honestly, the idea of you washing him seems like the best idea to me. It might give him enough to think about that he will do it himself for the sake of having you stop it! LOL

Also, go to www.beautipedia.com. They have reviews (scientifically based) of products. I think your son may be feeling the effects of bad body washes. If you wash your face with the wrong wash, it can make your skin feel awful. Honestly, I need to use a specific wash and lotion, or else my skin feels SO tight, even though I know others don't feel this way. It's like any feeling on my skin is magnified due to sensory problems. It drives me nuts unless I have my body wash and lotion (Dove body wash and cerave lotion- doesn't make skin oily or "sit" on top. CAN ALSO BE USED FOR LIPS AND HAS NO SMELL! Just sinks right in!)

I don't think sensory screening can come anywhere close to identifying all the issues a child might have. And your son is old enough to tell you if something bothers him. You don't need an OT; you need multiple conversations and some personal investigation.

Have you asked him what his issues are? My son tells us that he simply forgets, as it is not something he thinks about or really cares about. Hence, the constant reminders. They are just a fact of life here. All he has to do to get rid of them is consistently remember, but he doesn't mind the reminders enough to make that effort. Unfortunately, without getting in the shower with him there is no way to make sure he soaps up adequately, so that will always be hit or miss. He says he simply spaces out under the hot water. He loves showering. So, we've encouraged him to plan on business first and once that is done enjoy a few extra minutes.

Other people do have real issues with taste, texture, or sound involved in these practices. Just get him to tell you, and remember that NOTHING he says is silly. I think sometimes our kids get afraid to share these details because they know it doesn't bother anyone else, or because they've been discounted in the past. Make sure he knows and trusts that if something is bothering him, you want to work with him to find a solution.

Haven't read everything. If I am repeating, sorry.

Stand outside of the shower when he gets out. Smell his hair and his skin. If they do not smell like soap and shampoo, immediately send him back in and keep doing it until he smells like shampoo and soap. Smell his pits. If they do not smell like deodorant, stand there until he puts it on. Smell his breath. If it does not smell like toothpaste/mouthwash, send him right back to the bathroom.

I find that asking my kids if they did hygiene tasks begs them to lie. I demand the proof, and if I don't get it, they are right back to square 1. Immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

If you do this every day, incessantly, he will start emerging from the bathroom clean just to avoid the hassle of dealing with you.

The way I look at it is this: you can't make a kid care about being clean, but as long as they live in your house, you can set the rule that they must be clean. And brush their teeth. And wear deodorant. Those are non-negotiables. If he doesn't want to be hassled, then he just needs to do it.

FWIW, I am usually the kind of mom who wants to "work with my kids" to "problem solve and develop solutions" and all that kind of stuff. I don't generally believe in asserting authority over my kids simply because I am the adult. But with stuff like this, I find it goes much better if I simply state it, not as a request, but a demand that must be complied with. And then I make myself a nuisance until they comply.

I also want to add that my daughter hates showers and there is a sensory component to it. But she still has to take a shower. She has long, thick, curly hair and I really need the shower head to get the shampoo out of her hair and at that point, she really might as well just take a shower. I know it may sound cruel, but sometimes you just need to learn to deal. It does make her very efficient at getting in, getting down to business, and getting out

Inthistogether. Yep my son has short hair but it's extremely thick so much harder to rinse out. His eyes were kinda red after the shower so I know he hasn't been using shampoo for awhile again, he doesn't remember how to do it without getting it in his eyes. I instructed him and made sure he did it right tonight and now from here on out I told him I'll just be checking, but if it's not right I will have to watch and instruct again. And practice makes perfect ( or good enough). He stumbled through us brushing our teeth together too. He's happily playing on his iPad now. We'll see how it goes again tomorrow. I hope with his teeth, the continuous brushing improves things in there yikes! I will buy him mouth wash this weekend too.

I agree with others who say you need to get to the core of the issue: sensory, forgetfulness, running late and not being able to have time for those functions, etc.

Some things that helped us:

1. Electric toothbrush - Oral-B, Sonicare, for example. Have the dentist go over with him pictures of poor dental hygiene (orthodontist scared the bejeezus out of my DD with some of those pictures and she is *always* brushing and flossing now).

2. Heated towel. My DD loved to have me put the bath towel in the dryer when she was younger. As she has grown older, she is more tolerant, but I do think the sudden cold/warm/cold is very uncomfortable for many people. Towel warmers are quite expensive ($400 US in some cases), but perhaps a safe room heater in the bathroom may suffice.

3. Placing travel sized deodorant in the car. Before we leave for school, I always ask both kids "Did you 'odor-ize' (kind of a joke, based on the Monsters, Inc. locker-room scene)?" If not, there is one more chance for me to catch them before they run to class. This way I can watch them to make sure they put it on too

4. Dove Unscented Soap (bar) was recommended to my son for is eczema. We have found it more moisturizing than Ivory or even Cetaphil. Is the water in your area "hard" or "soft" ? Sometimes that can affect how skin can feel. Soap does not wash off as efficiently in "hard"(mineralized) water: http://www.dermaharmony.com/dermatitis/ ... titis.aspx

5. Patience. For awhile, my DD would forget to wash her hair, but remember to soap. Another time she would wash her hair, but forget to soap! Sometimes she was in the shower for awhile, and she told me she couldn't remember whether or not she shampooed, so she shampooed again Some shower settings were gentler for her, so we adjusted the shower head accordingly. She hated having soap in her eyes, so I showed her how to more efficiently hold her head so that water wouldn't get in her eyes. I almost thought about placing a checklist in the shower and probably would have if she hadn't finally got the system down pat.

6. As far as lotions and lip balms go, there are quite a few out there that don't leave a residue or feel strange, but how a person responds is a very individual thing. I would keep trying and maybe visit some message boards of people who have sensory issues. I'm sure there are some good suggestions out there (we personally, as a household, like the Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion - we have found that it goes on light. But the trick is you have to put it on every day!).

Good luck...!

To reduce the "inappropriate-ness" of mom assisting/monitoring the shower of a 13 yo boy, how about having him wear a speedo swimsuit? You could work on prompting/teaching him to do most of the washing, then step out while he washes his private parts.

If he is sensitive to strong tastes, try him with the kids' mouthwash. My daughter has a really sensitive palate and even she can tolerate the Listerine Smart Rinse. It has a really light mint taste. Some have a fruity taste which she doesn't particularly care for. Also, for teeth brushing, my kids do best when I give them one of these: http://www.toothtunes.com