What's wrong with you guys?

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Your parents just don't want you to end up dead or kidnapped.

My son is 6 and I struggle that maybe I do him a disservice by not placing to many rules and letting him be.
Can you explain to me what do you mean by "clearly" and how I can help my son with rules so he can manage better but not break him or make him sad?
I also do not understand the poem in the end of your posting ... then they took Berlin

Thanks for your help.

I think too many rules are too confusing for any child, let alone one with autism. One thing is to be sure you have the child's full attention and speak clearly and specifically to them. Eg. please pick up all your blocks and put them in the toybox.

Not sure what the poem meant exactly but somebody made a song out of it.

I can't say that all parents get angry or are mean because you did something wrong. There could be so many factors involved... Some parents, for example, abusive. Some have bad tempers, etc.

I know that parents (among other authority) do not always know best. A wise statement I once heard is "question everyone and everything." Its a great learning method. I always questioned my parents and other authority, thus I learned that they do not always know what is best for another person. I feel that this made me better able to make my own decisions about myself and things affecting me.

I would not be too worried about that. I remember my mother reading that kids with Autism do not respond well to physical discipline. I sure didn't... Of course she also carried the "teaching" and "discipline" too far and ended up abusing me emotionally and physically. My mother denies all allegations and refuses to apologize, which has left me hurt and very angry.

Yes, the rules need to be unambiguous and applied equally to everyone, rather than just being enforced against the 'odd one out' or the 'unpopular' one.

That is the bit that irritates me; the double standards, the favouritism and the fact that some people can break the rules with impunity - getting away with stuff that others get 'done' for. There are a lot of chicanes and invisible games going on in the workplace and even in Higher Education itself. And very often, you only work out what was happening after it has happened.

Can you ask your parents what the bsaic rules they are trying to apply are?

Sometimes my parents seemed like a guessing game. At the end we settled on a series of numbered rules ranging from not biting to my having to earn stim time etc.

It was easier on everybody if my parents could say that I infringed rule xxx by doing yyyy. This is still the way I model social behavior.

Hi 171NewYork,

You wrote: "Why did my parents get so mean all of a sudden?! "

Did they "all-of-a-sudden" get mean, or is it that you have begun to push the limits that applied [and you accepted] when you were younger and they have not "caught up" with your broader perspective on life? Regardless, what others have said applies: life amongst NTs as autistic adult is playing in the big league. [If you found time at school tough with bullies - both fellow students and some teachers, then it does not become any different as an adult in society. Bullies are everywhere, but NT adults become smarter and more subtle, and sometimes more vicious, the higher up the "food chain" you operate.] The tougher you are on yourself in terms of developing self-control and presenting yourself at the highest level of performance, the better you will do. Thus if your parents push you hard to a fair standard, appreciate it. We on the Spectrum must be better in every aspect just to survive in the NT world. It is not fair, but that is the way the "game" is played. As an adult working in the special education/welfare sector for 35 years, specifically working successfully with low-functioning autistics with severe behaviour disturbance, about 50% of people who knew me admired, "protected" and supported me. The other 50% loathed me. In part this was because I solved the problems they could not. So become more disciplined, develop self-control and be scrupulously fair and polite to all and beat NTs who would destroy you by being better than they are. In particular be prepared to use trusted third-party advocates to win battles for you if you do not think you can maintain self-control.

'What I am about to tell you is a warning of things to come, not a criticism.

I am 23 now and have been through............'


Sean, Jeesaz.... you're talking like an 80 year old in a Zimmer frame, lighten up. Life is not that cut and dried, there are possibilities beyond what we imagine, parents do what they can, sometimes more than they are able, make mistakes, try to correct them, have expectations, have fears, worries, don't want their children to make the same mistakes. I doubt that you can understand what it is like to be a parent until you are one yourself.

Parents views are as outdated and from a different epoch just as your views will seem to be outdated to your children, nevertheless they were valid at the time and appropriate. It is the duty of the younger Generation to rebel against the older Generation, and there is no way around it, it is part of the transition, we oldies don't like it, we want you to be like us, or at least be like the image that we have of you, and that you must not do. You've got to be yourself, for better or worse.....

Don't lock yourself into a particular vision of the world which may not necessarily be correct, will change as you change, is more flexible than you think if you're willing to let it be flexible.


Katze

You're an adult? WoW!..... Amazing. I'm nearly 60 this year and I haven't met one yet.



Katze

Sometimes I think I am too disciplined and therefore forgot how to have fun. While it's fine to have rules, we need to question those that don't help us. I don't think it was fair for anyone to have to "earn" stim time, for instance. That is just silly to me.

My honest opinion - which doesn't appear to be a popular one - is that this type of "discipline" should stop after the child goes through puberty. For young children, it may be necessary because they won't understand why they're doing something wrong, but for teenagers, an explanation should suffice. I really don't understand what good it does to give punishments such as "grounding" just because your teenager did something "wrong". If you insist on punishing your children, the punishment should actually be related to what they did. I think that by setting strict guidelines for teenagers, you are restricting them from being themselves.

Also, from an Aspie perspective, my mother would often threaten to punish me because of things that I wouldn't even know I was doing until she told me so (such as raising my voice, not answering questions clearly, not understanding instructions because they weren't detailed enough, etc.), or that I had an especially hard time controlling because of my AS. So all these threats would do is make me hopelessly scared.