At my wits' end over placement
Good one.
7) MAke sure they see your child as a person and not a problem....
Unless bullying is involved...
PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY...
He does already have a full-time one-on-one aide, but I'm not sure how helpful she really is. To be sure, she NEEDS to be in there because if nothing else she takes over a lot of the responsibility from the actual teacher, who I'm sure would be much more hostile if she had to deal with my son's needs on top of all the other kids she needs to keep on task. But as far as actually helping my son with strategies? Not sure. It's weird because she understands all the strategies and it SOUNDS like they are trying to implement them, but for whatever reason they just aren't transferring to the school environment very well. Of course it's a complex lattice of reasons and it's hard to untangle them. I do think to some extent he is actually manipulating her (the aide) because he can get away with it. (Whereas with me, he knows I'm "onto" him if he's just being avoidant out of laziness rather than a a real difficulty...) For example, with the District writing assessment he refused to do this week, when I talked to him about it, I got the impression that he was basically pouting because he wanted the aide to help him with EVERYTHING (including doing some of the writing HERSELF), which they were not allowed to do because part of the assessment was to see how much the kids could handle independently. Well, they go their answer (for my son, NOTHING), at least not if he's not properly motivated or prepared. Whereas I know if *I* were in there working with him, I could persuade him to just do the thing, even if it's not what he felt like doing at that moment. I'm also not sure how completely they are actually following through with the strategies. Like one day I was in there to see what was actually going on in the RSP room, and I saw the aide present him with this huge stapled packet of worksheets to get started on. I mentally rolled me eyes, like, really? REALLY? I immediately went over there and removed the staple, so that they could at least give him one at a time... instead of, Hey look, here's a MILLION-PAGE PACKET of worksheets for you to do! Have fun! This is not difficult stuff (the notion of breaking up a stapled packet)-- it's a simple thing, and it doesn't actually CHANGE the content or anything... it just presents it in a different format. But for some reason they seem to not really think on that level. I do believe, at the core of it, they just really really want him to be able to do it THEIR way and they keep hoping he will just Get with the Program already.
Visiting the "special day class" really confirmed that to me. It became pretty clear that this school district really doesn't believe in inclusion. Yes, they are required to accommodate. But they don't really want to. So if they can avoid it, they will. And the way they have dealt with that is to create a really pretty nice Day Class at one of the schools, and then try to funnel all the "high maintenance" kids over there. I mean, it's not that the Day Class is a terrible place. But it's not the right place for my son. He certainly won't be any more likely to do his work in there. If anything, he will plateau or even go backwards because there will be even less expectation for him to work to his (very high) potential. Frankly I don't even get why most of the kids that ARE in that class, are in there... like the kid with CP who was clearly very independent, well-behaved, affable. Why was he in that room all day? Probably so that they can consolidate all the kids who needs aides, and thereby reduce the number of aides they need to hire. If my son joined that classroom, the school he is at now could immediately remove an entire person from their payroll.
As CWA said about her child's school.. it's not so much that it's a "bad" school (in fact, ironically, it is considered one of the "best" schools in the entire state... people MOVE here just so that their kids can go to this school)... more like, as she said, they want to take the easy way out, the cheap way. And, it must be mentioned, they are very highly motivated by maintaining their very high test scores, and to that end, they are pretty tyrannical about behavior and academic expectations, from a VERY young age. I'm sure my son has sent them into a panic because, in spite of his obvious intelligence, he is not proving to be what they need-- a compliant little Test-Taker.
DW_a_mom: yes, the homework strategies you mentioned are *exactly* the kinds of things that we did at home too, with fantastic results. Breaking stuff into smaller tasks, using a timer, scheduled breaks, etc... these things all made the difference. And I think they would work at school too, but it will take more time because it *is* a much more stressful environment. And they are just so darn impatient. If they would stop panicking and actually look at him, they would realize that in fact the strategies ARE working... he has shown AMAZING growth in the past year. But they have this attitude of, "well we tried that and it didn't work. We give up." They keep throwing the ball back into my court, I guess maybe because they keep hoping I will just give up and Go Away.
CWA -- yes I have instinctively been doing all those same things. Playing "nice", ingratiating myself, volunteering, etc. It has helped in that at least they do see me as part of the "team" and not as the Enemy. And, as you said, it has had the result of actually getting what I want, as far as the accommodations go (well, on PAPER at least...). Except for their attitudes still being extremely lousy about the whole thing, still "complaining" to me whenever he doesn't Do what they Want him to Do, and still putting all that pressure on him (and me). They are doing something wrong if he is still crying so much at school. If he is getting that upset, why are they still pushing him in the moment? Is that worksheet really that important? I don't get it.
I think the thing that has been the most disturbing to me, in this whole experience, is how very willing the OTHER kids are... to be totally controlled behaviorally, to sit there silently and do worksheets for hours on end without a movement break, etc... what is going on? Is this really a good idea? I'm very disturbed with the way schools are going. The attitude seems to be, "if they CAN do it, then they will... and we will push for MORE..." without anyone ever stopping to say, "yeah, but SHOULD we do it?" Yes, the kids CAN sit for hours and do worksheets. But SHOULD they? I personally think it's creepy. And why ARE they so compliant? I actually have admiration for my son's refusal to be a compliant drone. But apparently I'm the only one. My school is full of Tiger Moms who actually think the kids are not doing ENOUGH work. I actually overheard one Mommy complaining to another mommy about how the kids had to "waste" time going to P.E. when they could be using that time to do a pop quiz or something. ARRRGGHHHHHH
It has made me realize that, through these accommodations, what I'm essentially doing is trying to force the school to be more like the kind of school I want (maybe for ALL the kids, but, as that's not possible, then at least just for MY kid.) It seems bizarre (and sad) that we actually have to fight for this stuff, and that there would be so much resistance to it. And I get that the teachers may feel just as trapped in this system, but at some point there HAS to be some kind of push-back. From everyone.
For this sort of thing, getting a daily "communication log" in place can help. Instead of a long DOOM email, the teacher would have a couple of lines to fill in like "% work completed" and "things that went well", "things that could have gone better".
btbnnyr
Veteran
Joined: 18 May 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,359
Location: Lost Angleles Carmen Santiago
Say no to special ed. It will hold your son back academically and other ways too.
Homeschool with you or tutor could be good for him, maybe he needs faster pace, less tedium, and more interesting/advanced material.
Grade school has been full of worksheets as far as I recall. Worksheets, worksheets, worksheets...I had a special education plan of self-study, but there were lots of worksheets involved in that too. It would be good if school involved less tedium and worksheets, and less hours of jailtime per day, and less years of jailtime per lifetime, and more freedom learning, but that seems to hard to find unless it is fancy private school, some of which don't even give out grades.
_________________
Drain and plane and grain and blain your brain, and then again,
Propane and butane out of the gas main, your blain shall sustain!
The charter schools can pick and choose who to take, and have much more leeway to punt a kid for *acting up* in my district.
I know this because my teacher friends complain about all the SPED kids, who come flooding back after Christmas break. This is because they were expelled or it was "agreed" that the charter school was illl equipped to handle the child. These are the ADHD/ODD and spectrum kids.
Charter school can also have a higher turn over rate for teachers. Some aren't union. My friend said one of her transfer Aspie kid had three different teachers in 4 months, because you can be let got at any time as a teacher.
For charter schools I would look at teacher retention rate for teachers and the expulsion policy. If the school is hiring almost a new staff every year, I'd look elsewhere.
There are good charter schools out there, but when they are bad, it's really bad.
For this sort of thing, getting a daily "communication log" in place can help. Instead of a long DOOM email, the teacher would have a couple of lines to fill in like "% work completed" and "things that went well", "things that could have gone better".
Yes, communication log. This is what we do. I wasn't getting any information on how she was doing unless it was a really bad day. Then, I also had no idea what she was supposed to be doing in class because she won't/can't tell me what she did in school that day. I'm not sure which. On top of that I had no idea whether to reward her for having a good day or not because at least back in the fall, her idea of a "Good day" was really different from what we considerred it to be. So I asked them to keep a log and it has worked out great. And yeah there is stuff like "Complained about taking a test" "Argued with teacher about X Y or Z" etc... but I mean it's stuff I need to know so that I can attempt to talk to her about it at home or bring it up during her therapy. I don't take it personally and I'm not upset if it says "refused to take a test. Freaked out during math and spat at the teacher then proceeded to escape through a fire door..." (Actual message I recieved) YEah that sucks, but they have to tell me. I prefer the log over phone call. I read too much into the tone, or lack of tone, in peoples voices and I freak out. Text is flat. I like it. No judgement in the text.
It has made me realize that, through these accommodations, what I'm essentially doing is trying to force the school to be more like the kind of school I want (maybe for ALL the kids, but, as that's not possible, then at least just for MY kid.) It seems bizarre (and sad) that we actually have to fight for this stuff, and that there would be so much resistance to it. And I get that the teachers may feel just as trapped in this system, but at some point there HAS to be some kind of push-back. From everyone.
I remember having similar thoughts, from at least as early as third grade. Long before I knew words like "behavior modification," I knew that I didn't like being modified and was insulted by it, and thought everyone around me was crazy for going along with it.
I now believe that Aspies, and special needs kids in general, are like the canary in a coal mine. Some stuff, like work books, are bad for everyone. This has been common knowledge for a very long time (maybe a century?) and there's no excuse for it to still be going on. Most kids can tough it out. They shouldn't have to, but they can. So the incompetent staff takes advantage. Anyway, please continue to make a stink. The world will benefit, even if they don't appreciate it.
I think you've just pinpointed why the "best" schools are actually nothing but glossy, fake packages that actually are LESS effective at real teaching, and are not good places at all for special needs kids. I really, really, REALLY hate that money gets tied to these manufactured "accomplishments."
Both my kids will have spent their school careers in theoretically "failing" schools that very few people actually are willing to transfer their children away from. Sure, all the schools have had some rough years - how could they not, they have really diverse and difficult populations to teach - but they have had far more successes, and as much as I wonder what it would have been like if my kids had had more elective choices, less of the additional structure required to keep the diversity together, and more exciting after school opportunities, I know that they are learning everything the kids at the award-winning schools are AND thriving as individuals with a real-world awareness that allows them to move seamlessly from a poor part of town to a party at a mansion. I've also never seen more dedicated teachers anywhere. True, some failing schools really are failing (the one our former nanny teaches in has the worst principal, ever), but statistics alone NEVER tell the full story. Break out the numbers at our schools by demographics, and we actually outscore the acclaimed schools.
And, best part, no one has EVER tried to warehouse my son. Certainly the team and I have had our differences from time to time, but what is supposed to happen DOES happen, and I've now watched a group of special needs kids all grow up and thrive, most shaking off their IEPs completely before the middle of high school - by their own choice.
I think you should look at other schools. I don't know how you force a pretty school with an ego bigger than the state to actually do its job.
As for the other kids and the state of education as a whole - my son would LOVE to share a rant with you about that. But, you and I, well, we have OUR kids to raise and worry about, and that will keep our plates full enough.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
I liked workbooks. In fact, I loved workbooks. Am I the only one who loved workbooks? I loved the repetition of them. The thick sheets perfectly stacked on top of each other, how they fanned when you rubbed your thumb over the corner edges and the page numbers went in order. I loved how when they were new they were all glossy on the outside, like a Christmas present waiting to be opened. I would skip ahead in the book to see how much I could do on my own. Why the bad rap on workbooks? I guess I'm officially a nerd.
I liked workbooks. In fact, I loved workbooks. Am I the only one who loved workbooks? I loved the repetition of them. The thick sheets perfectly stacked on top of each other, how they fanned when you rubbed your thumb over the corner edges and the page numbers went in order. I loved how when they were new they were all glossy on the outside, like a Christmas present waiting to be opened. I would skip ahead in the book to see how much I could do on my own. Why the bad rap on workbooks? I guess I'm officially a nerd.
I had one workbook I really liked that was Roman Empire themed, but it was really a combination puzzle book, joke book, workbook. My son is good with those, and will even do workbooks if -he- can decide which pages to do and when there is no pressure. He will do assigned worksheets under scaffolded circumstances, and would do them grudgingly most of the time at school.
He will hate having to copy the math problems out of text books more than workbooks. Most of our issues are with the actual writing, also there is not being enough space for his large for his grade level handwriting etc.
Sometimes it is b.c he would rather do something else. I also think like the OP, he did not like the packets that would be handed out by certain teachers. It is too daunting to see all the work that he will be responsible for doing.
I loved workbooks, too.
When I started kindergarten, I had to stay in at recess for a few weeks to do testing (they were trying to figure out my reading level, and maybe other things). I still remember sitting in that cool, quiet classroom filling out papers. My seat faced a wall of windows that looked out on the playground, and I could see all the kids out there running around in the stones and the dust. I could hear them, too, but they sounded muffled and far away. It made me feel very calm, and very different in a good way. It was my favorite time of day.
It has made me realize that, through these accommodations, what I'm essentially doing is trying to force the school to be more like the kind of school I want (maybe for ALL the kids, but, as that's not possible, then at least just for MY kid.) It seems bizarre (and sad) that we actually have to fight for this stuff, and that there would be so much resistance to it. And I get that the teachers may feel just as trapped in this system, but at some point there HAS to be some kind of push-back. From everyone.
THIS.
This is why I hate public schools. I personally don't want my kids to learn that level of conformity at such a young age. I would rather they grow up to be mechanics, blacksmiths, artists, farmers, anything. I honestly do not want for them the white collar office job, debt up to your eyeballs from college, cubicle life for them. I'd rather they keep their personalities and never be financially wealthy, than to grind their souls out of them starting at age five, even in exchange for being millionaires.
I think the real question you should be asking yourself is, is 'normal' your goal for your child? Do you want him to grow up and be conditioned to do nothing but work in a cubicle farm and thoughtlessly obey the directions of his superiors? Do you want to fight for accommodations and arrange things so that he will be able to do his best to fit into a system that is not designed to fit him, and never will be with his differences--in school or in the standard places of employment? I've been reading in some other forums that 20% of the adult Aspies are employed.
Most of our kids will always be square pegs trying to be pounded into round holes, and honestly who can blame an employer when they see two applicants--one that is slightly more qualified, but definitely a square peg that will cause difficulty in the virulently round peg work environment, and one that may be slightly less qualified, but will cause no problems, and they hire the second person. As a person mainly concerned about the bottom line, they'd be irresponsible to not hire the second person.
Some kids will be able to learn to 'fit in' to that space enough. (apparently about 20% of them). I'm not someone that likes those odds, and I know my kids well enough to know that neither of them will ever be happy trying to conform to roles they aren't wired for.
This isn't me being ableist. This is me sitting at home with college debt and a degree that is in a field that I will never be able to work in. The fact that I'd never be able to handle working in it, should have been glaringly obvious to people around me. I sincerely wish that one of them would have pulled me aside and said, "Look, the primary aspect of that job is social interaction with clients and especially with office politcs. Think about that for a while." I might have still been young and stupid enough to go through with it, but at least I would have had some idea of what was really involved.
I don't tell my kids they are losers who will never do anything in life. I am honest with them. I tell my ADHD son that whatever career he looks at needs to have a strong component of movement involved. That he really probably would not enjoy being an accountant, no matter how much his grandma enjoys it. I tell my meticulous, slow moving, son who has extreme difficulty shifting between tasks and bad fine motor skills that he has to take those traits into account with any career he looks into. There are jobs where those traits can be assets. Those jobs are unlikely to be found in the most common employment opportunities.
So is being able to fit into that kind of environment your goal in life for your child? You've acknowledged that homeschooling is an option, so you know that the public school is not the only way for your child to get a good education. In fact with the complaints you have, is he even getting a good education there? So if it isn't about the academics he'll be getting, the questions have to be about other factors.
I know it isn't that simple. It's also whether you can handle him home full-time (definitely not disparaging. This played a factor in my older kids going back to public school this year.) It's whether you think you are qualified. Can you afford the curriculum? Can you still find a way to access the therapies without the public school? Can you stomach what the school is actually teaching him--not talking about academics with this one. Also, whether you think it is worth your son's childhood years to try to change the school for the better to benefit future kids (personally I am selfish and was not willing to use up my kids' time trying to change things. I just don't have the required personality to be truly effective at it. My ability to behave according to CWS' outline with people I detest is nil. It wouldn't have worked out well for us.)
I liked workbooks. In fact, I loved workbooks. Am I the only one who loved workbooks? I loved the repetition of them. The thick sheets perfectly stacked on top of each other, how they fanned when you rubbed your thumb over the corner edges and the page numbers went in order. I loved how when they were new they were all glossy on the outside, like a Christmas present waiting to be opened. I would skip ahead in the book to see how much I could do on my own. Why the bad rap on workbooks? I guess I'm officially a nerd.
I love workbooks too
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NT with a lot of nerd mixed in. Married to an electronic-gaming geek. Mother of an Aspie son and a daughter who creates her own style.
I have both a personal and professional interest in ASD's. www.CrawfordPsychology.com
I liked workbooks. In fact, I loved workbooks. Am I the only one who loved workbooks? I loved the repetition of them. The thick sheets perfectly stacked on top of each other, how they fanned when you rubbed your thumb over the corner edges and the page numbers went in order. I loved how when they were new they were all glossy on the outside, like a Christmas present waiting to be opened. I would skip ahead in the book to see how much I could do on my own. Why the bad rap on workbooks? I guess I'm officially a nerd.
I love workbooks too
Me three. I used to make my mother buy me workbooks to do at home and over the summer.
I totally agree about the canary in a coal mine thing - I've used that exact analogy. A friend and I have taken on some programming at a local service agency, and we realized that when we made our class, it wasn't just a class for Aspies - it was just a really good class.
I also felt this way when DS started in middle school. We walked in with a fairly long list of accommodations we wanted: required use of the assignment notebook to record homework, supervised monthly locker cleanouts, the opportunity to do homework at school, an immediate email from a teacher if an assignment is missing. They told us they didn't need to write those into his IEP - they do that for all the kids. Not surprisingly, our school is doing better than the other middle schools in the district.
If only schools viewed special needs kids as a resource instead of as a hassle!