46 year old Bro in Law likely has Asperger's, now urgent

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Gumby, since I'm in the Bay Area, I've sent you a private message.

To be fair, I do like him and have empathy for him, but in the immediate future he can't be in a situation where his mother and him can aggravate each other (I can't have her going to the ER any more), and also, the financial situation isn't going to be he can be taken care of financially the rest of his life, so he is going to have to develop some life skills in this sense.

We always knew something would have to happen when my in-laws are no longer with us, the situation has to move forward more rapidly because of their current situation.

Is he going to be "cured"? Nope, I realize that. I've tried to build a relationship of trust and friendship with him over nearly ten years now and have tried to be as patient as possible, but the situation has drastically changed.

I would like to put him in a situation where he can be independent of us, both now and the future. Are we going to abandon him? Nope, he'll always be family, but we can't be responsible for him his entire life and asking me to take care of three in-laws is a bit much.

Also, despite him claiming to be "fine" I know he'd like to have a better job, be able to live on his own (if he could afford it) and even have some kind of romantic relationship. A google search has shown he has a number of dating profiles online, including some on adult sites. I've never known him to be in any kind of romantic relationship, in fact I strongly suspect he is a virgin.

I also have a worry about him possibly having some pent up issues, I should mention that the Asperger's diagnosis is really just a guess at this moment and there could be (and likely are) other issues going on. If provoked he will react quite strongly (ie with my Mother in Law), even if he doesn't vocalize or says he's fine I can sense a level of frustration within him for not being what he really wanted in life (he doesn't even like to be Asian, and dyes his hair blonde). I've never known him to have any inclinations for violence, but in some way his profile fits some high profile shooting cases and I'd be lying if I didn't start making comparisons in my mind.

Maybe he won't ever change at this point (I can do nothing about the past) but if he was willing to accept some change or help it would definitely make everyone's life easier, including his own because change is going to have to come whether he likes it or not, and I'd like him to be able to cope with it as best as possible.

Since the family is in good financial standing, has anyone looked into establishing a special needs trust for your BIL? The Trust Officer who is appointed could manage the family's resources that are allocated for your BIL's living expenses, in order to at least take that off your plate and save you and your wife from having to 'be the bad guys' later down the road.

In an ideal world, it would also be great if a Care Manager could get involved, too, if only temporarily to help the family through the necessary transitions. Because your brother has not actually been diagnosed with anything (unless I missed something) and isn't willing to receive services, it would have to be privately-funded and centered around your MIL's care. You can find a good one who has dealt with similar situations through the National Association of Geriatric Care Managers: http://www.caremanager.org/

It sounds like there would be value in having professionals in the mix who can address the family's needs from a more objective standpoint, without being caught up in the family dynamics. This may also help your BIL feel like the situation is more than just Him vs. The Rest of the Family.

In the meantime, are there visiting nurses or other caregivers coming in to help with your MIL's care? Helping a family member with Alzheimer's is incredibly difficult on anyone, especially someone with Asperger's and/or other conditions.

I do realize he is undiagnosed, but I find it easier for the point of discussion to assume that he is, in fact, ASD.

Interesting comment on the hair dying, because that may show that he has, like many with ASD, taken an observation and misunderstood what it meant. He may, for example, attribute his lack of success in dating to his ethnicity, instead of social mistakes. I've found my son doing things like that a lot: reaching an incorrect conclusions as to why something is. Getting past those is very long and slow.

Is he on SSI? Many with ASD do qualify. There are so many reasons someone with ASD may have difficulty holding a job, and the prognosis for older adults similar to your BIL with undiagnosed ASD isn't very good. There can be sensory issues, speed issues, trouble with communication, social mistakes, poorly timed meltdowns, and so on.

I'm just guessing, but I don't think he will accept something less than independence and control over his life, although that won't preclude you from putting his share of family money into trust (that is 100% within the parent's control, since it is their money, but they have to act NOW).

I know you worry about him in an independent living situation, but you might have to let him make the mistakes he is going to make, and simply do your best to make difficult for him to make devastating mistakes, in that way keeping him relatively safe while honoring his independence.

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Think about the contrast between your goal here:

I have been trying to focus on the practical elements of these posts b/c I think I probably handle those things better. Discussions of empathy and connections to certain current events tend to be sore points on here for the obvious reasons. I am trying to lay off of them except for the following:

Empathy can be shown in ways that appear a**-backwards to NTs. It can come out as anger and in a myriad of other ways that NTs find disconcerting/uncomfortable/disruptive etc. I am not going to dwell on that b/c it serves no constructive purpose regarding the issues at hand. Whether your B-I-L has empathy for his mom in ways you understand, or whether you have empathy for him is maybe something that can be separated out for now. NTs don't always communicate perfectly all the of the time, and I have my own dementia-affected mother that I am dealing with at present, so I don't want to misinterpret. (So I have empathy regardless of my pragmatic approach)

Your long term issues, regarding your brother-in-law can to a point, be deferred. It is not that they are not important (I am the queen of spending unproductive amounts of time on worrying about the future, myself.) Your immediate concern right now is figuring out how to get your brother-in-law to acclimate to the new normal, whatever that will end up being, while making sure your M-I-L and F-I-L get taken care of.

So, I am assuming at this point you and your wife are on the same page. From your posts, Your F-I-L is a traditional, old-school person and does not really know how to deal with his son's situation, despite having his mental faculties, and will need to be brought up to speed. I don't have a good read from your posts on how much if any input he is making in decision-making.

The short-term issue that needs to be solved now is that your brother-in-law needs to be presented with options, and he has to be able to pick one (or come up with his own solution) given everyone's constraints. His concerns need to be uncovered and dealt with.

If staying in his house is not a option he has to be given his choices so he knows what they are. I am assuming at this point the choices are something like 1)Living on his own in an apartment 2)Living on his own in an apartment with occasional housekeeping help 3) Living in some kind of group home. (The latter would probably be conditional on him actually getting a diagnosis which he may not be compliant with.)

Talk of therapy and training is likely to scare him at this point, and it might be prudent to defer that talk until he is settled and comfortable in his new situation. I think asking for him to adjust to what is necessary is going to be asking as much as you can fairly ask at this point. I would defer what you can.

Really YippySkippy?

Here's a guy who is taking in his in-laws, one with Alzheimers, which isn't easy, and has his own family to support and look out for. He's offered all kinds of alternatives to his brother-in-law. OK, I can see why they aren't appealing to him - but that's the reality of the situation. He has to move out of the family home because it has to be sold.

The one who seems to be lacking empathy here is you.

I have a parent who is in the middle-to-late stages of Alzheimer's, and with whom I've had a very difficult relationship. I also have a child on the spectrum (and my own stuff, but it isn't pertinent here.)

One thing I'd say: it is easy for someone outside the situation to make allowances for behavior that is due to some sort of disability, and to see that's what the problem is. It is extremely challenging for someone who is living with it day-to-day to distinguish what is the disease and what is the person. Think of people who wind up at 600lbs - at what point do they look in the mirror and decide their weight has become a medical issue? Things that happen gradually and not systematically are very difficult to process.

I think you're right in separating your in-laws, but I would caution you that your BIL's behavior can be a very normal neurotypical response to Alzheimer's as well. I've been looking at websites for caregivers, and it's so common that there are a lot of publications out there about it. (for instance, http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-cond ... P-20055936 )

Of course, if your brother has AS, this response might be aggravated, but keep in mind that it's not so easy to live with a person with Alzheimer's as it would seem. Getting him books about caregiving and Alzheimers might be helpful in any event.

I am so sorry your family is going through this - it's incredibly challenging even in a best-case scenario.