Getting anxious about how much to push

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That makes it easier, thank you. Maybe it's not necessary to push to fulfill anyone else's agenda but her own.

Just wanted to say that parenting is always a bit of a delicate balance. I don't push my kids; I have their backs. That means letting them take the lead, following behind them to pat them on the back or catch them if they fall. My kids are all at different places in terms of how much help they need, and it has nothing to do with whether they are on the spectrum or not (in fact the one who has a lot of life skills as special interests). So I can reassure you that taking city or inter-city buses, finding their way around town or campus, managing money, grocery shopping, cooking, making phone calls, applying for jobs, etc. are not things "most" kids do on their own at some magic age. (I'll add that today they don't necessarily know how to find a pay phone, mail a letter etc., because they don't communicate that way!) Some of mine learned how to do that middle school and others after they graduated from high school, and I can remember at least a bit of teaching in every case.
I would say to celebrate the learning, to make it fun. Taking the kid on a city bus and walking around downtown, taking a day trip and walking around campus, shopping and cooking together can be a lot of fun if you aren't doing it just because you think you should.
J.

Waterfalls...I grew up with a narcissistic mother and have often had trouble expressing my needs because obviously I didn't deserve to have my needs met. I still have some trouble with this.

I know you want your daughter to be free from this feeling. I want my son to feel that deserves to have his needs met (but not in an entitled way!! !). I want my son to be confident and independent. I'm sure you want the same for your daughter.

However, I think I would probably still deal with school authorities on most matters up through his teen years. But in retail and social settings he's old enough to ask for stuff. I would concentrate on those kinds of things, but also some school things, too - as she will have to deal with that when she goes away for school.

You'll just have to use your judgment and encourage her to do stuff that she's likely to succeed at but success isn't a guarantee (failing is important, too). And then keep gently pushing.

You have to prepare her to live without you.