Parenting a Step-child with AS

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Of course you will feel differently about your stepson than your bio daughter.

But you also need to be able to take some of his behaviour on the chin.

I have a 7 yr old NT biological child. Guess what? He doesn't appreciate all that I do for him. Sometimes he says horrible things to me. Sometimes they are not intentional, sometimes he says things just to 'stir' and experiment with the reactions that he can elicit from other people. My son also has some REALLY annoying habits, for example he never wants to go anywhere and I have to drag him out of the house kicking and screaming - but once we get there he has a blast. (Almost always...he didn't much care for the folk art exhibition I took him to...oh well). I can tell him that this is annoying and doesn't help him get what he wants, but I can't take this personally and neither will it stop me from doing what I think is right or fun in terms of outings (ok, maybe no more folk art)

You are the grown-up. He is the child. It is not his responsibility to make you feel good about your relationship. As he gets older, and alas probably much older as he is on the spectrum, more of the relationship will become his responsibility. Currently you have the right to expect him to be polite. You are right to encourage him to share but shouldn't take his reluctance to do so quite so personally. You can and should correct his behaviour when he's boastful in a potentially hurtful way (e.g. the bike riding brags), but this is because it's a socially destructive behaviour.

I reread the posts and the part about your stepson ignoring you for days and being mean to your daughter really leapt out at me. A lot, though by no means all, of people with (and some without, too) ASD seem to feel it's best to not talk when upset. I don't agree with this, but it happens.

Honestly, I'd have a terrible time with this, too. Being ignored is extremely painful. I hope he doesn't do that to your daughter as well. But watching him be mean to her must be as well. And not knowing how to share doesn't mean he has to physically grab out of your hand. I would share the relative pieces with your husband. You're trying your best and can't reach him. I think the advice about cutting back on interactions when there is any problem is good. Let your husband do the disciplining if that's possible. And I think an outside party is important as neither of you, the adults, has been able to sort things out to make them better. Nothing is wrong about telling your husband you're uncomfortable being ignored for days and would like to do things differently.

I guess the other thing is a lot of kids with AS experience a lot of pain in school from peers and the predominantly female teachers. So that's added to his distrust and anger from what his mother didn't do. If he is struggling, looking for ways to ease that can help calm him so he is easier to be around.

But your husband needs to know that you need help to make this better and take it on for everyone's happiness. And you'd likely be better off not trying so hard to be liked by a child who can't trust you. I think his father doing more and you doing less is key. You should still be involved and supportive, but it's upsetting you and he learns no useful life lessons from ignoring you for days to solve his problems. I think that's a lousy strategy he's using and that he needs help from his dad and a therapist to find other ways.

Why do you need to play Legos or do crafts with him? It seems like these are things that he's happiest doing on his own.
Take the opportunity to take a break and read a book or something.

It is SUPER hard being the step-parent to a AS kid. I for one have been married to a man with an AS daughter for 1 year and we dated for 4 before we got married so as not to make too many changes too fast for his daughter. My situation is different because my step-daughter and I get along really well but I can say that I get frustrated sometimes with her, as any adult would with any kid.
It seems like you have tried a lot of the act ivies that he enjoys and have made a real effort to connect with him. What I would suggest at this point is to stop trying and see if thing can progress a little more organically. I started with food. My step-daughter is very very picky (as most AS are) I found out what her favorite foods are and I made them for her.
The trick here as with anything that you try is not to take ANYTHING personally. The first thing my step-daughter ever said to me was that she like my boot and that her mom has some just like them but they look a lot better on her. YOU have to be the adult and let it roll off. Once you find something that you can do that he likes (not necessarily that you can do with him) little windows open and you can take baby steps towards an easier relationship.
Also writing letters to express things works WAY better than trying to talk directly with him. He may NEVER make eye contact. I'm sure he goes to all sorts of therapy so I would also talk to his therapist to see if he/she has any suggestions.
The even bigger question to ask is if things never get better do you love your husband and family enough to be the bigger person and persevere?
PS don't listen to any of the negativity. Being honest is the biggest step to finding out what you need to do to help yourself and your family. Yes your post sounds awful but sometimes the truth hurts. The important thing is that you NEVER EVER let your feeling show to your son. EVER.

So you dislike this child, yet you expect them to open up to you and feel more comfortable around you....when they can probably sense that you don't like them, why would they open up to a step parent that dislikes them especially when that is unlikely to change unless they become a normal NT...which wont happen since autism is a life long condition. You'll either have to accept the child for who they are and find a way to get over your dislike or well he'll just be another kid who grew up with a step parent that didn't like him or really geuninely care about them and their well-being........you're not the only one lots of kids end up in that situation...almost too bad you're not the only one, but nope plenty of kids run into this autism or not. Opening up in general is hard for people with autism, opening up to someone who doesn't even like or care about you if you have autism seems like a real waste of time.......also he probably has some issues to do with his real mom unless he was too young when she was out of the picture to really have much memory though even experiences while being an infant effect mental development.

Hi there! I am a step-mother to a 6 year old boy with ASD and feel exactly the way you do. I love my husband, and I am committed to being a loving protective stepmother to his son, but there are many days where I struggle because I don?t actually enjoy spending time with him the way I enjoy spending time with my biological daughter (same age.) This is not because I am not committed to loving him, not trying to bond, or because I am focused more on how I feel in the relationship than on how HE feels (as some people who responded to your post seemed to understand.) It?s the contrary. I want to love him. I want to enjoy spending time with him. I want to find things about him that are endearing and grow closer to him. But it is very difficult. It?s a hard personality to be around all the time. Spending the day with him is often exhausting. I think we need a safe space to be able to say that sometimes!

I imagine that if I had had been a part of his development from infancy I would feel much more connected to him. But jumping in at age 4 or 5 is much different. I just keep hanging in there every day and hope that it will get better. I try to make him feel loved and safe and cared for, even if I?m quietly struggling inside with feelings. While I am not explicit with my husband about not ?enjoying? time with his son, I have talked generally about my struggles to bond with him and my frustration with certain behaviors. It?s important to me to be able to let him know that I struggle some days. (And honestly, he struggles with my non-ASD daughter some days! Some of this is simply the dynamics of step-parenthood!) I feel your pain and am happy to email offline if you just want to discuss this stuff as we go along.

Also, this may be a topic for a new thread instead of on here, but as the step-parent instead of the parent who raised him since infancy and knows all the ins and outs of this child, I?m struggling to find the line between behaviors my step son cannot control vs. behaviors he can and should control. I think it?s my biggest struggle bonding with him. For instance, in the example you gave about not sharing crayons ? I understand that this is more difficult for ASD kids than non-ASD kids, but shouldn't he be taught and expected to share just the same? When my daughter doesn't share things I discipline her and remind her that we need to share, etc. Should I not do the same with stepson because he may throw a tantrum or because he has difficulty understanding WHY others are affected if he doesn't share? My strategy has been to firmly but kindly remind him of basic rules such as sharing (or saying ?excuse me? instead of pushing past someone, or apologizing when we throw rocks in someone?s hair even if it was an accident and we can?t understand why this would upset someone, etc.) but I rarely get through to him. I believe in my heart that it?s not a lost cause, and continue to try to provide this structure and discipline anyway, but would love to hear from veteran ASD parents if that?s the best strategy or if there is something more effective.

One of the problems with sharing is that ASD kids often view inanimate objects as being something "more." Asking them to share a crayon isn't that different to them than asking them to share their bed, or give away their cat; these are distinctions that don't make sense to them. It is either part of their space and their world, or it is not. Discussing their feelings about the objects can help, and digging deeper into their feelings of reluctance, which they themselves may not understand. We make so many fine, minute distinctions that are logical to us, but not to them. You have to teach what those differences are.

That's actually very helpful - thank you. He does have these strange deep connections to things that are not important to the rest of us. There have been several times where he has found a caterpillar on the ground while we're out, and he simply cannot bear to walk away from it and get on with our day once he's found one. The whole world stops and revolves around his inability to walk away from the caterpillar. It's very frustrating to me, and hard for me to understand why telling him we've got to move on doesn't work. I get irritated that I'm the parent and I'm telling him we've got to keep moving in order to get to school or the like, and he just blatantly doesn't listen to me or argues with me. But when you talk about it in terms of the cat or the bed, it helps me to imagine what it feels like to him to part with that caterpillar. Still incredibly frustrating and draining for me, but thinking about it in these terms makes me feel for him and what he's struggling with as well.

It does sound like he develops extraordinary attachments. And you really should not treat those situations as simple parenting questions, where you are the parent and he does what you say. Frustrating as it can be, you have to find a way to get what you need (move on!) while still recognizing and honoring his feelings. Sometimes a few moments of quality time is all it takes. Maybe (referring to the caterpillar example) help him move the creature to a safer spot, where it is more likely to stay safe and / or find its family; get him to come up with an idea (you'll get a lot of insight from what his suggestion is).

With crayons (going back to that issue), what if you designated one small box as "special" (not having to share) as long as he shared the others? If he worries about getting all the right ones back, you can put some tape around the ones that belong in box B, to help make sure they all get to go home. Again, talking out these ideas with him will get you some insight into what the issue is and, once you know what is, allow you a springboard for knowing how to handle it.

Also, FYI, many of us have found that playing the parent card with ASD kids is not ever very effective, anyway. If they don't understand a request, it is, in their minds, unfair or uninformed or a bad decision. Too much of that and you've fed into a "me against the world / I'm all alone" mentality. You earn your child's respect - and, more importantly, trust - by demonstrating that you have intelligent reasoning behind your orders and requests, and that there are logical reason behind the rules you have made. My son doesn't simply grant anyone respect or trust by nature of who they are; they always have to earn it (although he has learned that it is in his best interest to at least pretend to respect the authority of certain people). Social ranking holds no meaning for him at all. He could meet someone famous who he actually respects and he would never think to tell me about it; while it would be an interesting encounter, it would hold no more importance to him than spending time doing something else he likes. One of the problems is how quickly some with ASD can develop disdain for those who do care about rankings and demand respect. So, basically, the thinking totally backfires and, thus, is best avoided entirely. That doesn't mean you can never give an order and expect compliance; but you have to have a foundation of trust there, that you aren't making these decisions without having given full consideration to their needs and desires, too.

You are, basically, looking for the balance that works, whatever that ends up looking like. We basically throw out all the parenting rule books and do things upside down a lot of the time. When that is what works, that is what you do.

I am not a step parent but I just wanted to say that I admire you being honest and seeking out help. You already got some good advice, I would suggest reading up as well. The more you understand your step son, the better you and your daughter?s life will be as well as your bond for your step son. You will learn that often when you think he isn?t listening or is being willful, he is not hearing you. The sensory issues with our kids can make what seems simple anything but. Once you are educated on what it really means to be a child with ASD, then I think the frustration of him disrespecting you will go away. You still will have him delaying everything with caterpillars, but it will stop becoming a battle about your authority and simply a scheduling issue. More often now, I just stop and look at the caterpillar too and my life has become much richer for it. The tolerance, kindness and understanding having a disabled sibling/child in your family can be an amazing gift and life lesson, if you let it. My cousin has down?s syndrome(not comparing the two, so please don?t freak out people) and it healed that family. My cousin LeLe is still my example for what it means to love someone and to live in the moment. I am not saying it won?t be hard work or difficult at time, but that makes it no less of a blessing.

He sounds like a little boy that has had a very, very difficult early childhood with his mother. For any child that could be debilitating, but not only was he not equipped with the tool most children have to express their pain and fear, he didn?t get the early treatment that could help him further along. ASD brings all kinds of developmental lags and add what sounds to be a very unstable childhood, he might be pretty far behind in certain areas. You see a 7 yr, but in certain communication and social skill areas he might be more like a 4 or 5 yr or even younger. The assumption you have for a 7yr boy might be just as unreasonable as if you were mad at a 3yr for not being able to read. The tools you have for a NT kid just don?t work for an ASD child, they often just don?t apply. Traditional discipline just won?t work on most ASD kids, at least until they are much older and then it is iffy. However there are methods and tools that do work, like ABA and Floortime.

The fact he is so bonded with his dad which you are reading as him purposefully ignoring/being rude to you, is a great sign. That means with time and work you and your daughter could have this bond with him too. My 4yr son is extremely affectionate and loving, not only to us but other people in his life. Some kids having that bond can be a lifelong struggle, you are lucky that your son isn?t one of those kids. But he has been traumatized and not given the tools he needs. He has a stable home and a father who loves him and a step mother who is willing to seek out help, so he can get those tools now.

Best of luck and even though you haven?t bonded with him you are doing the best you can by being honest with yourself so you can change that. He is worth it and you are worth it.

I've got some backwards advice.

It's going to sound awful, and maybe it's wrong, but it worked for my stepmom and me. Caveat: I was 21 and did not live at home. I was not seven.

STOP. Obviously you can't stop trying to be his stepmother, but STOP TRYING TO LOVE HIM and just focus on trying to raise and treat him decently. Loving feelings are nice, but actually they are optional. What you need are loving actions-- "I will do right by this kid, whether I feel warm and fuzzy toward him or not." Spectrum kids can be hard to love, especially if you get thrown into raising one cold. That's not to say that they aren't wonderful, lovable, amazing, good kids-- they are. They're just their own animal-- odd, prickly, emotional little benders of everything someone who's never dealt with one believes about parenting. My folks and I were lucky-- I had an ASD grandfather and an ASD aunt to pave the way for me with my grandma and my mom; I had an ASD father to "get it" and instinctively know what to do.

You may NEVER grow to love him-- but my guess is that, if you take off the pressure to feel loving and find a way to get him to act loving and create that wonderful blended-family bond, loving feelings will eventually grow.

My stepmother and I HATED each other. For YEARS (at least two or three). We finally decided to accept it, and something funny happened-- love grew. After my dad died, her sister decided I was the antichrist and won't allow us to see each other...

...and I miss her every day, and unless she's doing a might good job of being polite for an 81-year-old woman with less than half a brain, I have very credible reports that she feels the same way.

STOP TRYING TO BE HIS MOTHER. Be his stepmother instead. OF COURSE he shows a preference for his dad-- at his age and with his wiring, there probably aren't more than one or two people in the world with whom he is comfortable enough to talk freely, make eye contact, or relax to any degree. I'm glad his dad is one of them; it would be totally, utterly, and completely unrealistic for you to expect yourself to be. I think it's normal to have those expectations, but "normal" doesn't make it "realistic." I've been married to my husband for 16 years; I'm STILL not that comfortable with my mother-in-law. It's only been in the last five years that I've gotten that comfortable with the aunt I've known since I was born.

MOST OF ALL, STOP HIDING YOUR FEELINGS FROM YOUR HUSBAND. That's just not a good idea. How can he help if he doesn't know?? That's too much pressure to put on yourself. IT WON'T WORK.

BIG SHOUT-OUT to all the parents, step-parents, godparents, friends of parents, and relatives of parents of ASD kids: The movies are MOVIES. The inspirational stories are STORIES. The shows on TV are SHOWS.

All of these things have one thing in common: THEY HAVE RELATIVELY LITTLE IN COMMON WITH REAL LIFE. They are scripted, written, edited, and generally not-really-the-way-it-went-down-in-real-life. Even if every word is true, a whole lot of daily details, struggles, repetition, frustration, and other stuff have been "edited out for length and clarity."

I love books. And movies. And good TV dramadies. I wish that life were like stories. IT ISN'T. It doesn't happen like that. Maybe when you're old, and almost dead, if you still have your mind, you can look back on life and see a summary of it all like that...

...but life, while you are living it, isn't like that.

I realize how stupid that sounds. But in Western culture, where we work very hard at hiding our imperfections from each other and strive to be polite and positive above all else, books and movies and TV shows seem to be the closest a lot of us will ever get to watching someone else's struggles unfold. I think that's sick and sad, because IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

Nobody can "save" anyone. If anybody can "change someone else's world," that change will only be apparent when you are looking at it as it fades from the rear-view mirror. I wish it worked some other way-- I love my books and movies, my heroes and villains, my protagonists and antagonists, my stories that can be contained in a plot graph-- but it doesn't.

It sounds like several problems. First, you're not being honest with your husband so you can't work together to find some solutions. If you been trying to go it alone then what's the point of being married? If you're not honest about this you're probably also not going to family counseling which is essential for any blended family to sort of the normal problems of disciplining a step-child, bonding, jealousy and resentment, and dealing with the dysfunction that came before the previous family breakup. Even with counseling is always going to be difficult for you (or anyone) to deal with a child who has ASD. They need discipline and you and your husband need some special techniques. Your daughter will always have some problems with her brother. It's only my opinion but I think if you've been doing this for three years and nothing has improved, you might want to give up and leave. You can continue in this marriage and accept this child as your own or you can save yourself and your daughter a lifetime of problems. The boy might be happier just with his dad.

I didn't read all of the replies so I apologize if this has already been said:

Does it matter if you don't feel that way about him if you behave as if you do?

If you do the best you can to get him the services and therapies he needs, do your best to provide his a safe place to live, do your best to help him grow up to be an independent adult then I don't think it really matters so much how you feel.

He will see what you do - so stop feeling guilty - you are who you are and your personalities might not ever really mesh together - it is possible to love someone and still not like them very much ( I think every parent of a teen can relate to feeling that way from time to time)