Understanding the big picture

Post Reply New Topic

I agree with InThisTogether on this, as well. I hope it doesn't come out the wrong way. I was thinking much the same thing but never would have been able to word it the right way, and so refrained for much the same reason as InThisTogether was afraid to mention it.

I will add that even NT older kids tend to have issues with younger kids getting cut slack, much as I am sure NT kids feel when their AS siblings get cut slack. I know it is a tough dance.

It used to confuse me as a child why I would get a bigger consequence than the littler one or why I was in trouble and they weren't, etc. I would see the unfairness not even understand development and how rules are different for each ages and consequences and it was about knowing better and setting a good example for the younger ones.

My Mom used to tell me how my brother is two or only three and I still didn't understand. My mom started to explain it in more detail so I would understand and I learned there were different rules for age groups and they always had to be pointed out to me because I didn't know.

I suppose the whole purpose of punishing the older child is to teach them to handle themselves better and the situation but for an ASD kid, that may not work. All it did was teach me little kids are evil, they can do what they want and upset you and you can't do a thing about it to stop them. They are allowed to upset you and touch your stuff and ruin your things and grown ups don't do a thing about it because "he is only three." It sure didn't make me think "gee how could I handle this next time this happens, I got in trouble for putting thumb tacks all over the rug to keep the other kids from sitting in those spots and ruining the train tracks I built." Instead I thought "I got in trouble for not wanting the train tracks to get ruined."

Many people (including children) on the spectrum have an extreme sense of fairness, and this can cause their perception of events to be very different from NT parents.

OP, your older child was the recipient of the initial aggression. Your younger child started the sequence of events that led to all the unacceptable behaviour. Therefore your older child may have genuinely felt fully justified in retaliating, on a fairness basis.
Being punished for this may be perceived as a failure of understanding by you and as a further unfairness. If you can explain to your older child that you understand his actions, even though you disapprove of them, that helps build trust and understanding.

Adults may choose to "turn the other cheek" but generally children don't - whether they are on the spectrum or not.