How do I explain that I'm not lazy if I refuse a request?

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This is my life, exactly. And it's always, still, so shocking to me that when I totally stop helping him with certain things, how his true capability emerges and I wonder why the heck I didn't step back a long time ago.

Just this week, I finally stopped picking him up at his classroom door, as I'd been doing since Kindergarten. It was just too much, every day, to have to park, drag my other 2 young kids from vehicle to school, wait, and then drag all 3 kids back to vehicle and drive home. But I had myself convinced that it was "for the best" because he seemed to "need" it, and it gave me a chance to "check in" with the aide and/or teacher if necessary, blah blah blah.... but I threw my back out last week, so we *had* to start doing car-line instead...and guess what? He is totally fine with doing car-line. No problems. He likes it, in fact, because it gives him a chance to see his one friend for a few minutes before I pick him up. I'm sure it also help him to feel more "normal" and not like a baby who has to be picked up by his mommy at the door.

But how many times have I asked him if he wanted to switch to carline? Countless times. And he always said, "no." I think it's really hard sometimes to make that Executive Decision and just go for the choice that gives them more responsibility. I think I still, instinctively, try way too hard to protect him from situations that "might" be difficult or confusing or where he may struggle. And in doing so, he's acquiring a "learned laziness", on top of his NATURAL laziness, and maybe even a fear of doing things for himself. I'm aware that this is a common problem for ALL kids of the most recent generations, but maybe as parents of ASD kids we are even more at risk of falling into this trap. I think it's really important to figure out where to Step Back, even if they fall.

I think maybe there's an important distinction that needs to be made, and for the kids to appreciate:

It should not be our place to JUSTIFY why we are CHOOSING not to be their "personal assistant", always ready at their beck and call. In the original post, she mentioned explaining that she could not be there to tap him on the shoulder when he's gaming, because she'd be making dinner at that time. And that she realized "that wasn't the point". Exactly. That is SO not the point-- she shouldn't have to JUSTIfY her refusal to play the role of "servant", because of other work she's doing-- that suggests that if she DIDN'T have that work to do, then it'd be okay for him to treat her as a servant. This is not okay.

It should be made clear that a Mother is not a Servant. And Helping/Assisting is not the same as Serving.

Sometimes when my son is treating me this way, I joke that maybe I should start calling him "Lord [his name]", or "your majesty". This helps him to understand how he is treating me.

Humor can be amazing at diffusing a situation and opening the conversation up.

Yes. This.

I've had lots of conversations with my son about all the stuff I do that he takes for granted (again, he just doesn't see it unless it is pointed out) and I realized that isn't the point. I talk a lot about not being his maid, and how my job as Mom is to teach him to be able to take care of himself (that's how we got him to do chores - I explained that it was practice for him for when he's on his own.)

The thing is, I don't think he gets the distinction between helping/assisting and serving. It's one of those binary AS things: in his head, either you are helping, or you aren't. It's a nuance thing. I think he genuinely doesn't understand, and I'm looking for an analogy or social story or something that can show him how this looks from the other side.

He actually gets the "lazy" thing from my childhood - I have talked to him about how they didn't help children like us when I was in school - they called us "lazy" or whatever euphemism for lazy that sounded appropriate enough for a report card. He knows it is an extremely triggering word for me, and one I would never allow anyone to use on him - I don't even allow him to say that about himself.

It's his way of lashing out these days, which though it hurts beats the heck out of being physically hit - so while I'm calling him on it, I also know that we've come a long way. I have tried crying in front of him, and we're getting to a place where he's starting to ask if I'm crying to make him feel bad...so it goes. That's a separate issue, though.

You could try to explain your perspective by comparing it to his own experiences -- so, find an event in his life when he was treated unfairly and recognized it, one where you can draw parallels to how he's treating you, and say that what he is doing and saying to you is like what someone else did and said to him. Draw the parallels explicitly rather than just mentioning the situation and saying, "it's like [situation] was for you."

This was very helpful to me in learning perspective taking. I can't just imagine being someone else, no matter how many descriptive words are attached to that person's experiences, but I am quite familiar with being me.....I needed to be explicitly taught to look for parallels between my experience and other people's, because I couldn't just see them. ("How would you feel it" didn't work very well for me either.)

Something else to maybe think about is whether or not he's ever been called lazy in situations where he was actually trying very hard or there was a problem other than laziness happening that meant he couldn't do something -- if this has happened, the word lazy may not have the same meaning to him that it does to you. He may not really understand what it's supposed to mean, and use it in any situation where he can't see why you can't or won't do something he wants you to do (because that might be the only meaning he would have been able to see in terms of other people calling him lazy). Alternatively, he may understand perfectly what it means but think that it's okay to call people lazy even when they aren't, because it's been done to him.

Yes, this is normally how we handle things like this - problem is, I can't find a congruent example in his life that works - he is not a "helper" kind of person himself, and so doesn't really have the experience of other people taking advantage of him.

I'm trying to figure out another way to do that: sometimes I can find a TV episode or something that illustrates what I want him to learn, but I'm having a tough time with this one.

Like I said, the use of the word is mostly to push my buttons - he knows exactly what it means to me. He's socially adept enough to have an understanding of which words hurt. (The other day when he was really ticked off about something, he called me a "helicopter Mom." anybody who reads my posts here knows how that went over.) That issue I know how to address, it's finding some way to express this concept of someone helping you vs you using someone that he has no experience with.

A thought: What would happen if (when he is in a good mood) if you were to ask him to do a bunch of favors? Ask him a few-- one after the other. Don't make any comments if he says "no" to any until you get to the last one or he gets too pissed off. Then if his temperament holds, save a real big one until the end. When he says "no" to that one, ask him why he won't do it. Then see if you can tie that in with the issues you have been having with him. If he says something you don't want-- like that he is being lazy, re-frame it and say that he isn't being lazy but that you asked too much, and then talk about it.

I have no idea if this would work.

There is "The Little Red Hen" -- the story about a chicken who works hard to bake bread and nobody will help her but they all expect some of the bread anyways....not sure that is similar enough, though? It seems to be more about sharing a workload than about the difference between asking someone for help and asking someone to do something for you (they are not entirely different but they're not entirely the same either).

If I think of anything that might be better I will post it.

This is a good thought. I'm going to have to figure out the right way to do it...

I think you can be sympathetic to his frustration and desire for you to do things up to a point, but then, draw a line and walk away. Maybe his father can help him understand that when we call people names they are less helpful, and maybe he needs to experience that as a reality to understand that his attitude and behavior affect what others do. Sometimes words don't explain something like feelings very well. Also, a lot of people on the spectrum are alexithymic, so too much talk about feelings, especially when you're upset may be confusing

What response would you like him to have when someone says no to him? Maybe you can work backward from where you want him to be? I think directions and prompts might work better than having things be based in responding to feelings people have about being called lazy. Feelings can be just to confusing!!

BuyerBeware - yes, I do that, too. " Meanest Mom you say? Excellent! Do you think I could have a mug that says that?" (And in fact they do exist: http://www.cafepress.com/+meanest-mom-world+mugs)

Yes - I've said to my husband many times that his disrespectful behaviour is wildly inappropriate, really damaging not just to me but to our son -but he has a hair trigger for any criticism - so often that makes things worse. Once I asked him to do an extra pick up when I had an extra hard week at work and he called me 'a f***ing parasite' with my son in the next room. To be honest, being called lazy has made me want to do less and less and less. But I have to be a grown up and model good behaviour. It's hard though.

I had an urge a while back to buy a Barbie doll and restyle her as "Mean and Crabby Mom Barbie" (modeled after me, of course.) But I'm too lazy to actually follow through with this idea.

I saw a t-shirt once that said "World's Okayest Mom".
Perfect for the Aspie mom who detests insincerity!

I don't think I "talked" right back there.

It sounded right when I typed it and it sounded right when I read over it, but it doesn't sound right now. I'm sorry if I pointed fingers or hurt anybody's feelings. That wasn't what I was trying to do.

Elkclan-- Yeah, based on what you describe, I think The Man is just beyond reason. It's sad. I'm really sorry. **hug**

I guess I am not as worried about the response as I am about the misconceptions driving it.

As I'm reading here and mulling things over in my head, I also realized the following: I expect my son to "hop to" when I really, really need help: e.g. helping with meals when I am incapacitated with a migraine, grabbing a bag of groceries when I'm overloaded, etc. And he usually does, sometimes with a little grumbling but often with understanding.

I realize that he has no ability to differentiate between my needing help to feed all of us when I can't see and may throw up, and this costume that he REALLY REALLY wants and is the center of all his attention right now. So, from his perspective, he's "helped" me...and now I won't "help" him - the two things are equal in his mind. So some of it is about teaching him that needs are different from wants and that there's a hierarchy...I've been trying to express that by explaining about all the other stuff I do (making sure everyone is fed, clothed, clean and safe) but I don't think he gets the distinction.

I'd say make him do more household and self-care chores, where feasible (such as making him make his own meals, unless that means relapsing to a more restricted diet). Point out that if a lazy person can do it day in and day out, it shouldn't be too much of a problem for him.