Stigmatisation and marginalisation of parents of ASD kids

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I'm glad. No amount of research papers is ever going to make "society" fix it. If it's going to be fixed, it's going to be up to PEOPLE. Like, as in one person, one decision, one hand reaching for one other hand, one at a time.

I noticed a change as my child who has AS got older in how people started avoiding me as well as that I was thinking about her differently than what other parents seemed to think with their drive that their child be first at everything and develop fast when I was happy for development. Then with our younger and social child, they were hesitant about the rest of us, but ok about her until It became apparent she was dyslexic. She is more included by children because she's social, but it shocks me more the adults who are so fake and clearly don't want to be around her, or me, because she's doing nothing isolative to where I can tell myself "they're confused" as I did with my AS daughter, though I suppose they probably are confused.

It's just, every once in awhile, despite everything I have and am so grateful for, as well as how far I've been able to grow and recognizing the commitment and dedication and love maybe even that people with no obligation other than common humanity have poured into me, Every once in awhile, I want to just say to one of these moms......you really aren't better than me. Or worse. We're not so different, you know. Even if you wish we were. And you know what else, while I have your attention......I'm really not contagious. And neither is my child......

I think that, because of the way DS acts, people expect certain things about his home life that aren't true. I think some people think that we abuse him, that we are uneducated or even too stupid to know that he's behaving outside the norms, or that we just don't care how he behaves. I find myself pushing my daughter forward (not literally) so people can see that I'm capable of raising a polite child who doesn't interrupt, make demands, ask weird questions, and then walk away in the middle of the conversation.

As I read that paragraph, I could imagine my daughter's voice speaking it - that probably represents want she feels and doesn't give voice to. The NT twin is particularly gifted in several ways, and very social, has lots of friends, so the ASD twin struggles and is all the more keenly aware of the contrast with his brother. They are 7. Just recently the ASD twin has had his first friend to have playdates with - my daughter's overtures to previous mothers were ignored. And this hurt her very much, particularly as she has been so active in community things since before they were born and thought that many of those mothers were her friends. The ASD twin is very shy, very retiring personality, doesn't act out aggressively, he is a very gentle little character, finds it hard to join in playground games as he is very dyspraxic, and you can see from a kind of hesitancy in his facial expressions that he longs for acceptance in the way he sees people positively respond to his brother. He is super-anxious to please (unlike his gifted brother). His mother is very protective of him.

Currently my daughter is the community organiser and host of a big Halloween family event and she has named the twins as the nominal, joint hosts on the community posters. So she does keep making focused efforts to promote equal social inclusion of both her twin sons.
At best I think her success will be limited and intermixed with ongoing disappointments. This thread's comments have been very helpful to me in my thinking about her situation.

I wouldn't blame you if you did it (and I just might throw you a party).

It makes me sad and tired. You are not so different... I am not so different... We are not so very different...

...and honestly that's probably the thing that scares them the most. That there is nothing they can control standing between them standing where they're at, being the ones doing the excluding, and being on the other end.

It makes me sad and tired, because they're trying to believe that they're above it and it could never happen to them...

...when in fact it does not have to happen to ANYONE AT ALL.

People could simply choose to STOP. Would it be easy?? No. But it could be done.