Sucky school year

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Getting into a non-public school for kids with mild ASD made a huge difference for my son. His general stress level is so much lower, and he's handling things outside of school so much better. He says the difference is that they figure out how to solve the problems instead of just punishing or isolating him. I hope you find a similar good fit for your son.

Glad to hear. Hopefully, I can get my son in a better setting too.

I don't recall the details because we did it so long ago, but it takes a long time to get gluten out of your system. So if you are going to give it a try, make sure you know how long you really need to do it and also, learn everything that has gluten in it. Some things (like soy sauce) are not "obvious." My daughter was GF for 9 months. It never did anything for her at all. But others have had success, so if you are willing to put the effort in (at first it seems like a lot of effort), I think it will be worth it to figure out if it makes a difference or not. An adult friend of mine on the spectrum has recently gone gluten free and he is pleasantly surprised that it has had some beneficial effects.

It sounds like your SD is not very skilled at working with kids without severe deficits. It also sounds like the are not simply accommodating his social deficits. They are adjusting his curriculum, too, which they shouldn't be if he can handle the regular curriculum. If he is the top speller in his class and they are putting him in the slower group because he is classified, they are blocking his access to an appropriate education, IMO. I am hoping someone with more knowledge will comment. I have been blessed with finding a school system that works very well with my high functioning kids, so I am not as familiar with what you need to do to get the school on the right track.

The last thing I can offer is that at that age, my son was a horrible judge of people's intentions. He always felt he was being bullied. But yet there were times when his dad and I actually observed the interaction and knew there was no bullying. For example, one time at summer camp the boys were running around, snapping each other with their towels. My son insisted they were bullying him and could not understand that they were playing, because that is not the way he played. It took him awhile to understand that some boys play rough and that banter is how some boys interact with other kids that they like. For the longest time, he insisted that he was being targeted. It caused a lot of difficulties. I am not saying that this is what is happening with your son because I am not there. But I wanted to share it with you because once we were able to work with my son and got him to understand banter (he is just now able to actually "engage" in the banter at the age of 13...he understood it well before he could do it), and rough play, the incidents in which he felt bullied decreased a lot. He came to understand that although he did not find it fun, other kids--particularly boys--played that way. He has been truly bullied. But he can see the difference now, and that is very helpful. Especially in Middle School.

Good luck.

Thanks, yes, I think that part of the issue is that he is not understanding their intentions. The teachers told me that, when they spoke with the boys, a couple of the kids said: "But, he wanted us to play with him, so we were." I know that one of the kids has been bothering my son since day one, and he's the same one who was telling him he couldn't play. That kid is also very old for the grade (a holdover), and just more socially sophisticated. However, I think my son is also misreading the social cues of some of the boys. One time, when we didn't notice that a kid in his class was behind us on our walk to school, the kid said that we didn't wait for him and said as a joke: "You abandoned me!", with a big smile on his face. My son took it literally and was very upset that this kid was so mad at him. I have also noticed times when kids are being very manipulative and using him in a mean way, and he believes that they are being nice. And, no, the school doesn't have the tools or understanding to help him with his social deficits at all. The teachers only see "shy" or "mean" as social issues, and he is neither.

Your right about him being denied an appropriate education. I am going to check up on the situation next week. If it hasn't changed, I will speak to the teachers and use that exact language. Thank you.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I would have considered that bullying when I was a kid, and that behavior isn't appropriate for adults either (someone slapping you with a towel without your permission). The boys may not have meant it as bullying but it is inappropriate to hit someone who is not participating in the game.

I always have similar advice in regards to dealing with schools...
But anyways...
Gather more than anecdotal evidence. The problem here is 'how?'


And always remember, the public schools are under the direct influence the courts. In most places in America, you are allowed to bring a lawyer to meetings with the school. A highschool student can even choose to have a lawyer represent him or herself to the school for disciplinary hearings in many places. It's probably the most expensive action, but it's on the table. This is from the same law that requires schools to allow (or require) the student have a parent or guardian to represent the student... This will also probably piss the school off which might not be the best thing ever.

Best of luck.

And herein lies a huge problem. 7 year old boys (and girls) do not have stellar social skills. There appears to be a misguided belief among some--especially some on the spectrum--that if someone is NT, it means they are born with an innate understanding of social rules. This is not true. Kids need to learn social skills, even when they are NT, and they are not evil or bad if they don't understand them. In this particular case, these boys were snapping everyone. Other boys. Girls. The camp counselors. They were having fun and getting very carried away. They did not yet understand that just because they thought it was fun, did not mean that everyone thought it was fun. And half of the boys, and some of the girls that they snapped, joined in. Honestly, in the heat of the fun, I'm not surprised they didn't realize not everyone liked it. I would expect that of 7 year old boys, but not of 13 year old boys. There are social "mistakes" that, while they are still mistakes, are expected at different ages. Kids not knowing the appropriate behavior yet does not make them wrong or bad. It makes them a kid who still hasn't mastered social skills.

There is a huge difference between inappropriate behavior, or behavior that one does not like, and bullying. My point is that my son had to learn to understand this so as not to travel throughout life always feeling targeted or victimized. Sometimes you are not being targeted, you may just either not like someone else's "play" or you might not understand it. My son is very gentle by nature and literal in his interpretation of things. He didn't naturally "get" rough play and banter, which are usual ways for many boys to interact with each other. For my son, understanding rough play and banter helped him to understand that sometimes kids are actually trying to include you, not single you out. The last thing I want for either of my kids is to walk through life feeling like a victim and seeing insult wherever they turn. That is not good for a person. I also think it is important to be able to discriminate between "typical kid stuff" and bullying, because--unfortunately--I think if a kid sees everything as bullying and constantly reports it, they begin to look like the kid who cried wolf and will be less likely to be believed right away when bullying does happen. Luckily, by the time my son hit middle school where some serious bullying started, he was able to tell the difference and when he reported bullying, the school very swiftly intervened and stopped it. My son was easily able to articulate why this wasn't just "regular joking around" as the other kid claimed. My son was believed. (clues it is bullying and not "good natured": watches to make sure adults are not around or stops suddenly if an adult walks by, would be mad if you, or someone else, did the same thing back, does not do similar things to kids who are recognized as their friends, only acts this way with you and otherwise does not interact with you at all, etc).

This is something I am now working in earnest with, with my daughter. She is still at the point where she attributes negative intentions to most of what people do. She frequently feels targeted by things that I do not believe are true bullying, or even ill-intended behaviors. Sometimes, I think the behaviors actually have little to do with her at all. I think this is a huge issue for kids on the spectrum because of ToM issues and other problems with perspective taking. I have seen my son's...social standing? don't know if that is the right word...but I have seen it improve as his skills in this area have improved. It's not like he is popular, by any stretch. But a wider variety of kids interact with him in a positive manner now than when he had a stronger tendency to misread people's behaviors and react in an immediate and visible way. The apparent over-reactions of my son were just as confusing to his peers as their behaviors were to him. Some kids used to avoid him, and I definitely see this with my daughter. I mean, imagine trying to be friends with someone who appeared to get upset out of the blue, or who accused you of being mean all the time? NT kids aren't born with a magic ability to understand what goes on with our kids sometimes. And sometimes it is just easier to avoid them than try to understand. I think it's up to the adults in their life to help them learn this so they can have a higher likelihood of having successful interactions.

Thank you. I plan to check up on the academic situation again this coming week. If he is still in the slow moving group (supposedly the VP was going to handle it), I will speak to the teachers directly. They are both new to the school this year, so I think they just actually don't get it. If they insist he stays with that group, I will involve the principal. I'm hoping it does not come to a situation where I would need a legal representative, but, if it does, I know of a couple of organizations in my area that do free advocacy and representation for children with special needs when a school is resisting allowing the kids access to an appropriate education. So, I will contact them if I need to.
As far as the bullying, I am more hopeful that it will be monitored because one of the bully kids has a para who really likes my son and he said he will monitor the playground situation himself.
However, I am really hoping I can just get him in a school that is a better fit for him and has more experience with his issues. They exist here, but there are a lot of obstacles to go through to get him in.