TOM issue: helping my son understand "gifts"

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Perhaps it is not so bad for him to sob about gifts, if he displays disproportionate emotional responses naturally.
He will likely get it when he gets older and more rational.

The example of a non-compatible assesory is quite easy to explain: it was a mistake on the givers' part.

Gifts by themselves is more difficult to explain. I still dont really see the point myself yet either: you are supposed to return a gift of roughly equal monetary value by the next relevant occasion, so why not skip it all together...

I have simply accepted gift-giving as a neurotypical ritual, one among many, which i will conform to.

Perhaps that is the way to go with DS, at least for now: make him accept gifts as is, that others try their best but can fail, and try explaining when he is older

I wonder if it would be helpful to find some kind of anthropological comparison of the traditions and meaning of gift giving in different cultures around the world? Then treat our culture as one of the cases to be studied.

[OT side note -- I initially read the TOM acronym as "time of month", and took the quotes around "gifts" in the title to mean that there was some reason you needed to explain menstruation to your son! LOL]

Gifts can be a way of feeling reminded of the giver when one is separated rather than being simply a desired object.

As an adult, if I don't get what I want for Christmas I can just go out and buy it myself.
Kids don't usually have that option, so of course it's more disappointing for them.
It's probably a good idea if your son makes a list for you, but is not allowed to request things from other relatives. You can get him the things he really wants, and the other gifts will be bonuses. Or ask all the relatives to get him gift cards or clothes (or some other items he needs but isn't picky about).

I think, in large part, the problem is that DS does not understand "mistake" on a non-cognitive, visceral level. That goes for his own mistakes as well as other people's - there is doing it right, and doing it wrong, and wrong is a personal affront, period. (He is just as hard on himself when he makes a mistake, which is in part why I am so concerned. So, also, gift-giving is just as bad - he is always worried his gift was "bad.") For him there is no way to excuse "wrong." This is why I am worried about it beyond normal disappointment; it's a global issue.

For this reason, DS still frames all children younger than himself (and himself at younger ages) as "stupid." He can't make allowances for differences in ability and knowledge: you do it right, or you are "stupid." (Or, in the case of presents, "mean.")

We do make good on all the "bad" presents by returning them or trading them in if they can't be returned - but to DS, it doesn't un-do the "wrong," or the percieved slight. What's worse, DS knows cognitively that this is the wrong approach to recieiving gifts...which means to him HE is doing it "wrong," and is therefore "bad," or "mean," even if this reaction is clearly beyond his control. It's heartbreaking.

(zette, LOL!)

In that case, it seems to me that it is extremely important if for nothing other than his own self-esteem to teach him about mistakes in general. Article that I found that I thought was interesting and thought maybe their book might help you (although I have not read it so it could be terrible for all I know): http://autismdigest.com/changing-the-mindset-of-children-and-adolescents-with-asd/

Albert Einstein said "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." And I hear he was a pretty smart guy...

I talked to my friend about teaching ToM today because she has a child with HFA who is 13 and I thought she might have some ideas. She highly recommends this book: http://www.amazon.ca/Teaching-Theory-Mind-Curriculum-Functioning/dp/1849058970. She uses it at home with him.

If it's a matter of frustration over mistakes because of feeling inadequate over the number of mistakes being made, I have had good luck explaining that mistakes are how we learn, therefore I want my child to look for mistakes she has made in doing something, and there is an immediate food reward for each mistake found. Gets the point across that I'm not judging her and she has fun and practices tolerating imperfection and is ok for awhile, the idea that mistakes can be ok or even fun to find and correct lasts. Just a thought.

Thank you, these are very helpful! We do talk about mistakes as a way to learn all the time, but DS is so binary that it isn't really sinking in. I try to model by showing him my own mistakes when I make them and how I've learned from them...again, I think he gets it cognitively, but not internally somehow. I will study these resources.