Parenting my NT child (groan!)

Post Reply New Topic

I will farther state that my maternal grandmother and my MIL are actually the only two people I have ever known who tried to do the "shiny happy wonderful perfect mother" schtick.

My grandmother was pretty good at it.

My MIL really, totally, utterly, completely screwed it up (shiny perfect mothers don't help their kids with homework by saying, "What are you, stupid?!" every time they make a mistake-- but mothers who are exhausted from trying to be shiny-perfect do!!).

BOTH of their kids (six in total, seven if you count me) turned out incredibly screwed up, with problems relating to other people (whether AS, NT, or ADHD), not merely a complete and total lack of self-esteem but the absence of the ability to build any (we all just turn around and tear it right back down), constant approval-seeking behaviors (not in the normal healthy way, in the "I will endanger myself so you will say you like me" way), basically all the stuff you want to NOT happen to your kid.

Unconditional love and shiny yummy mommy aren't the same thing. My experience would imply that they are actually mutually exclusive, unless you're one of those rare people (thank God they're rare-- they drive me bugshit!!) who happen to be naturally tempered that way.

Like so many things in life, it's about finding a balance. I will make sure my son does his homework. I will not make sure he gets every question right. I will make dinner, but sometimes it will be Chef Boyardee.

AMEN, sister!!

I'd guess that's part of what's going on here, too. A balance needs to be found between, "f**k off, nasty NT kid" and "I am your mother, I will rearrange myself for you." Family members tend to harbor some simmering resentment of each others' irritating traits, but nobody needs to end up resenting the s**t out of anyone long-term (even if teenagers seem naturally bound to resent the crap out of their parents, and "normal" teenagers doubly so).

Balance-- don't wear a full-body mask for the kid, but don't bash "normals" in front of her (don't be Autism Speaks in reverse).

I still don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't have the world's firmest handle on this stuff myself. I have to remember to do things like act like I'm thrilled to have an hour and a half to get homework done and dinner ready to go on the table just to drag Oldest Daughter and all 3 little ones to soccer practice against her will, only to piddle around the park for two and a half hours with whining children (not supposed to leave), so I can turn around, rush home, and do the Bataan Death March through eating, clean-up, baths, and bed (because God forbid they not get a bath after the park or get to bed at 9:30 instead of 9:00). Yep, thrilled-- or anyway not in the least bit stressed by having to do this while three little kids and a teenager run around screaming, whining, arguing, making demands, and generally doing everything but the little I asked of them.

Because if I act stressed or complain, it might damage her self-esteem or make her give up soccer.

Which she isn't all that enthusiastic about (it's a very competitive sport, and she's not a very competitive person).

And if her self-esteem is that fragile, after all the work I've done to build her a realistic one that can survive in the face of other-than-constant-praise, she's got bigger problems than soccer. TRUST ME.