Hope I'm doing the right thing

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This is true, but they are going to want to benchmark her progress. It is what they do.

Waterfalls, when you to the SPED teacher "math is hard" do you mean it is hard for the SPED teacher or hard for your daughter?

Also, to expound upon kraftiekortie's point, we do a lot of kitchen and supermarket math. My son likes math, but even if you have a child who doesn't, it is a low-key way of doing it, and makes her feel you are letting her help you cook, bake or shop. They are also life skills which does not hurt.

This is not to put in the IEP necessarily, but I was told that if you mention something is affecting a kid's self esteem, they have to address it. I was having a hard time getting my son a speech eval because the team did not think it was necessary. As soon as I said:" I believe the frustration he experiences when speaking with other children is affecting his self esteem," he had an eval the next week. So, if you are concerned that they are testing your daughter with concepts she has not been introduced to, say:"I believe aspects of this testing process are affecting my daughter's self esteem negatively, and I am concerned that this will impact her performance in school."

You can also say that you feel it is really important that strong communication is established so that you can reinforce the techniques at home, and you can all work together.

^^^^^Very good suggestions, here, by Fitzi.

Thank you Fitzi, that sounds good about the testing negatively affecting her self esteem. I feel it won't work to say what I think....that the testing negatively affects her willingness to try and respect for the sped teacher, what you wrote is much better. And I can try emphasizing how I want us to communicate, and be on the same page. But I think the idea that testing she fails negatively affects her self esteem might work. Thank you so much for suggesting that!!

ASDMommy I meant I think math is hard for the sped teacher.

And Kraftie my daughters tough, resisting practice when she feels dumb. It makes the testing on stuff she hasn't been taught yet really frustrating. I just have to keep working on supporting her trying anyway, even when it's hard, even when trying makes her feel stupid. Breaks my heart

Perspective taking always helps. You've already noticed that she needs to be right (personal perspective which might be reinforced by her professional perspective). OK - so when you communicate with her - focus on the areas where she is right first. The old sh!t sandwich trick - good thing (bad thing) good thing - this will make her less defensive which I'm guessing she may well be if you say she needs to feel right.

Understanding someone's perspective doesn't mean that you agree with it.

Also it's great you're reinforcing that she doesn't have to feel stupid for not knowing stuff she hasn't been taught.

If only I knew who you were saying it's great I'm reinforcing doesn't have to feel stupid for not knowing stuff she hasn't been taught....I thought you were referring to the sped teacher and after several minutes realized you meant my daughter! It's really frustrating pretending as I tiptoe around the sped teachers apparent difficulty teaching math and consequent reluctance communicating with the math teacher.....not my child's fault!!

You're right, though, I should try to focus on what my child, and the sped teacher, do well and how much sped teacher helps my child rather than emphasizing what she is bad at which makes her defensive. Just, she does things that seem so dumb and so counterproductive, with my child, with others too sometimes and I feel powerless to do anything to make things better. I will lobby for a change in the goal and how it's measured though, as otherwise this will continue indefinitely. And she feels even more helpless then I, I can't see her suggesting a change unless someone helps her.

I hate when I'm the one trying to be diplomatic and facilitate communication, I can try, but this isn't my strength, it is upsetting, and then also I have to integrate, somehow, the facts that I may be able to manage this, but I will continue to be told by the world how I lack social skills, say too much, am too intense, etc. Just sad for my daughter she can't do more on her own

That is what I thought you said. So is there any evidence that your daughter needs math help, at all? Does the SPED teacher assume that math is hard for everyone? For everyone who needs SPED?

If your daughter is doing grade-level work and this is literally only the SPED teacher's issue, then for sure you need all this extra diagnostic stuff removed.

I still think you need to say this to whoever is in charge of the entire meeting, b/c I think from what you say, she is very rigid. Then use the advice that was given about how to phrase this. If the psychologist in the one in charge, then the self-esteem arguments will be even stronger with him/her I think.

Edited for typo

You're welcome! Let us know how it goes.

Apologies Waterfalls! I definitely should have indicated who the pronoun 'she' was referring to in the last statement! But in a way - it's not so bad. If the SPED has problems with the math element, she's probably feeling pretty stupid and that makes her feel defensive. Now - I'd say she (the teacher) ought to be able to handle that, but hey ho, she can't and you're stuck with her (for now).

One of the things that I do when I go see doctors (because I get nervous in these situations) is write down all the points I want to cover.

Also try not to take on too much self-blame re. the diplomatic elements. Dealing with our kids' education is tense for everyone. I get worried and stressed, too about dealing with the school over my son's special ed needs. He doesn't have a statement (the UK equivalent), but I've already had years of wrangling over his un-dxd dysgraphia. Part of me just wants to let it go, because I had the same problem at his age, but kids are at least a year ahead of kids in the US so they're expected to do more and he's getting frustrated. If he was in US schools it wouldn't be nearly as big of a deal as it is here...and as an american I can't help but think that too much is expected of him.

Yes, absolutely right. She does a good job in many ways, but sees only her own perspective. I wish she could see mine, I really wish she could see my child's better.

One of the things that I do when I go see doctors (because I get nervous in these situations) is write down all the points I want to cover.


Yes, it is very tough having other people bring one's attention to something as a problem, only to see them back off once you agree and want something done about it. They want you to know, they want you to do things to work on it, but they don't want you to worry and ask them to fix it (spend money). I used to call it the fail first policy.

Makes me feel I am losing my mind when that happens. Finding validation and something to do at home to address helped me a lot, but it doesn't substitute for having everything be ok. There are so many awful things can happen, though, and I worry about those, too.....my perspective shifts a lot! Parenting is a roller coaster.....and mostly, I'm so very grateful to have my children who I have, who they are!! !

The sped teacher's gotten back to me and keeping in mind the advice about trying to avoid criticsm that will bring on defensiveness and the excellent reminder about asking questions and getting information, I'm hoping not to be so surprising and unpredictable that my request to fix things backfires.

I want to be a good advocate and I understand that requires I fit a predictable pattern for school staff to respond to. Not easy when I see they want me to be NT but there's some inner part of their brain knows I'm not typical and doesn't like it. But I'm trying to be as perky and supportive and pleasantly small tally as I can. I just have to say, though.....this feels so weird!! They know I'm angry What they did, and I'm really supposed to pretend otherwise? And then they will be condescending to me and then I try to push back with a concrete request and if I play everything well enough....we fix what they shouldn't have done wrong in the first place!! This feels so weird.....

Secret tests? Explain that more, you have a right to know the details + purpose if you don't know

Get her to do easy stuff first, builds confidence, then work on hard stuff

Encourage her when she makes an accomplishment, small/big, treat the failures as learning experiences, tell her you love her (often) if she gets too frustrated move her onto something else for a while

Most important thing is love, trust me on that, even when things get out of hand and all looks lost stay supportive, she'll make it with a good mother like you.

Any updates? Have you met with the SPED teacher or got more information about what's going on?
Good luck with it all.
J.

It's later and I'm a bit scared. I'm going to I think try to listen and ask questions about the math and try not to go on too long......my hope is to get her on my side to reduce the frequency of testing, and maybe to consider that even if she doesn't change anything how she works in school, my child gets regular student homework, any extra homework for her learning problems I am supposed to have her do I hope to find a way to ask for it to be very focused as I'm frustrated and sad right now the way she asks my child to memorize way more than she can at a time instead of letting her digest one new concept

Any more ideas what is most helpful to say or do? I want to do this well!!

Just know that you are not alone. Dealing with these situations can be difficult. Sometimes the schools are not as helpful and straightforward as they should be. It can be very, very frustrating!! My daughter has a learning disability in math and fine motor deficits that she received help for. She also is an Aspie. Are you in or near a big city? If so, they may have a Learning Disability Association or something along those lines. They can be of great help. They have advocates ( usually former sped teachers) who can help and attend a meeting with you. They know all of the schools rules, etc. There is a charge, but they may use a sliding scale for income. Usually the school will become more "helpful" if you have an advocate with you. I had one go to a meeting with me once when we were having difficulties with the school and it was a great help and resource.

I did not know about the learning disorder association.

I am very tired, but very grateful to everyone here who has helped. Thank you all for your thoughts to help me be who I needed to be to advocate. I think they want to help, I think it went well....I hope!!

She said they need a measurable math goal relevant to difficulty retrieving and then using learned information, and they are using a general test of what's to be learned at grade level, though may not have been taught yet, because that's what they have, to see what she does not understand and should by the end of the year.

I think she needs a more structured explaining/doing approach. Does anyone have a suggestion for a better goal?