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Waterfalls
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03 Jun 2015, 7:49 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
When my daughter was getting services in a center, her original appointment contained a number of mothers I became friendly with. Granted, I hate chit-chat and usually feel very uncomfortable, but a couple of the other moms were just so stinking friendly that I couldn't help myself :wink: Even the ones I didn't talk to smiled and made eye contact when you came in. Then, we had to switch to a new appointment time. The new group of parents didn't even look at each other. They all read or did stuff on their phones. So, I read because I didn't have a smart phone at the time and couldn't do anything on my flip phone.

Sometimes there is great benefit to just being able to "read" a room and adjust your own behavior. If no one else is talking, relax and enjoy some down time. It would be highly unlikely that everyone in the room had something against each other. It's just the norm of the group. So...unless you want to be the one who orchestrates the all the social interaction for the group, I'd sit tight and enjoy the silence! :) Maybe one day a new mom who is the life of the party will come in and change the group norm, but that mom doesn't have to be you, ykwim?

I can't read them, just know that I feel stressed, very stressed and I think maybe they are stressed with some negative emotions but I'm having trouble reading what. Plus it's hard to sort out that here the rule might be leave people alone. I will try, and listened to a book so I felt less alone, it's just difficult to tune out the stress of those around me.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but how does one tune out others' negative emotions in this type of situation?



InThisTogether
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03 Jun 2015, 8:04 pm

Waterfalls wrote:
I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but how does one tune out others' negative emotions in this type of situation?


I think the first step is to consider the possibility that others may not HAVE negative emotions. They may not be feeling any emotion at all. I think it is also important to consider that if people do have negative emotions, it likely has nothing at all to do with you, as they do not know you. It does not sound like they are paying enough attention to the people around them to be "feeding off" any potential negative vibe you might have. If they have negative emotions, it is probably related to something completely unrelated to you, so there is no need for you to attend to their negative emotional state. It is their responsibility to attend to it.

Figuring out what to do in an unfamiliar setting is an important skill, so is referencing, and you can develop it. Both of my kids have learned if they are in an unfamiliar situation and feel uncomfortable, to look around like a detective for clues about what is expected. Look to see what most people are doing. Then, do what most people are doing (unless it is something morally or ethically wrong, of course). If they can't figure out what "most" people are doing because it is too chaotic and everyone is doing something different, I tell them to pick a person doing something that they are comfortable doing, and do that.

I do get your concern. I am socially awkward, particularly around people I don't know and in unfamiliar situations, because I often do not know what to do. The best thing to do is to look to see what most others are doing, and do the same. It draws less attention, and you are less likely to do something that will offend someone else or make them uncomfortable if you are just doing whatever everyone else is doing. When all else fails, I find headphones helpful, even if you aren't listening to anything. People see you and assume you are busy listening to something, so unless everyone in the room is actively interacting, it will usually be socially safe in an environment where people don't know one another. But do watch out for repeated eye contact paired with smiling. That often indicates someone would be open to talking, in which case you can either turn off your music/book, or pretend to turn it off and then start in with some small talk (or in my case, hope desperately that they start in with some small talk).


_________________
Mom to 2 exceptional atypical kids
Long BAP lineage


Waterfalls
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03 Jun 2015, 8:19 pm

Thank you InThisTogether, and yes, using earbuds helped some. I played a familiar podcast so I didn't feel so alone.