Family not accepting DS w/ HFASD

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Yes but how do you handle one of your kids going over and getting presents and outings not to mention love from grandparents while he is being kept back by mom.

This would drive a wedge in between two brothers.

Also its weird for me to send my baby someplace without me...because my other one is not accepted. Its like having a custody issue with your ex only these are the grandparents. I also think I would resent my husband for taking one child there and enabling behaviour that would leave us excluded.

I want nothing more then to make my appearance less, but huby would be beyond upset.

He IS related to them, by adoption. He is their son's adopted son, and somehow this needs to be communicated to them.

I've been wondering how things have been going, lil_nicky? Have you tried anything new, has anything worked? I think you are totally right that adopted (not to mention disabled) children cannot be treated as second-class citizens, and if they are, it shouldn't be tolerated as it's bad for both the kid and the rest of the family.

I just saw this blog post recently and thought of you: http://adiaryofamom.com/2015/07/06/a-love-letter/

That is why, I think, the deal needs to be both or none. If your husband wants to visit on his own---then so be it, but not with the kids, under those circumstances.

Also, honestly, even if they agree to take both---I would not trust it to be unsupervised by someone who is prepared to enforce equal treatment.

But he's not being kept back by you. You are acknowledging a situation that exists, and you did not create it. There is no love to be had from his step grandparents and I'm sure he'll do fine without their gifts.


Why would it do that?


Again, you are already excluded. You cant change your mother-in-law's behaviour.


He should direct his upset to its cause - his mother.


That doesn't meant they'll accept or like him.

That isn't what matters: what matters is how the child's parents respond. If someone treats you unfairly as a child and nobody steps up and tries to put a stop to it, that is damaging.

Apparently this is not uncommon with adoption, I've found some good resources (which tend to agree that it is damaging for children to experience) http://www.choicesconsulting.com/dearar ... cceptance/ http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapi ... randchild/

It is also damaging when one child is treated with love and the other disdain.
I think shunning the in-laws is the only way to deal with this situation.
You can't force someone to bond with a child whatever name you put on it. I truly think its worse for the kid to be forced to participate in a charade than to remove this input from his experience.

I agree with this with the addition of it including the new baby they are related to. Otherwise, if the baby is getting attention, love, gifts, etc. the older boy will know about it, even if he is not there to have to experience it, he may resent the baby, which they do not need.

It is often tricky to get the older ones to adjust to new babies as is. Later on, it would be problematic, too, because it is like the younger one being invited to a party where people would be mean to you, so you would not want to go; but the fact that you are unwelcome would make you feel almost as bad as being there, if that makes sense.

It won't hurt the baby not to have contact with his grandparents. Plenty of kids do just fine without one set of grandparents involved, and he's too young to have formed a bond with them. However, it will damage your older child to continue exposing him to people who show such blatant preference - and it could damage the baby too.

So I think if they won't treat your older child with respect, they shouldn't get to see your baby.