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YippySkippy
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02 Aug 2015, 8:37 am

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Don't get me started on the shoe "rules." Bullying about shoes is incredibly common - we were fortunate to be able to afford inexpensive Nikes - not a small thing, considering he's been through 6 shoe sizes in the last couple years. In our school, Nikes are "safe," other brands can be a real challenge to navigate - if you get the really "cool" (and expensive) shoes that the cool kids are wearing, you get accused of "trying too hard" and if you get the "uncool" store brands, kids will point you out in the hallway. There's an entire nasty internet meme on the subject http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/what-are-those (kids really do this to each other at school...DS at first decided new shoes were better than having kids yell at him)


Yes. I went to a school event in the spring, and noticed that almost all the kids in DS's grade were wearing Nike shoes. Poor DS had off-brand ones. The thing is, he never notices these things himself, which means he doesn't tell me, and I can't fix what I don't know. For this year, I helped him pick out the least expensive Nike running shoes I could find. I don't think the other kids will care what model they are, as long as there's a "swoosh" on the side. :roll:



momsparky
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02 Aug 2015, 10:32 am

Yes - our experience was that it didn't matter what the shoe itself was as long as the brand was visible.



AppleChips
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03 Aug 2015, 2:31 am

momsparky wrote:
Camo was "safe" for my son for a long, long time - even now in high school, kids get camo stuff. Good call.

I never see high school kids wearing camo stuff, its usually kids who where it.



WAautisticguy
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05 Aug 2015, 12:38 am

I don't know about camo. Out here in central WA it seems to be "safe", there are a lot of hunters. But, why wear it in a school environment where you won't be out hunting game? T-shirts or dresses are just fine.
Most students around here wear some type of Nike. Running shoes, the "SB" lifestyle, or the Stefan Janoski lifestyle ones. The Converse All-Star shoes are also common, as are Vans. There are a few here and there wearing Adidas, and some wear Asics as well.
Oddly enough, Skechers' stock is worth more than Nike! Today on the NYSE it went up to almost $154/share. Nike is sitting at $115/share.



CWA
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05 Aug 2015, 7:23 am

I used to think it was important to insulate from bullies, but I guess I kind of gave up, at least halfway, and I do my best with what I have to work with. My daughter hates girly stuff, likes boy stuff, and loves minecraft. So she has a mine craft back pack, a black and green lunch box, and quite a bit of boys clothing. She is so different... I didn't want to teach her to sacrifice her sense of self for the sake of others, honestly... they will find SOMETHING to pick on. I do try to mix this stuff in with more acceptable things, like if shes wearing a boys minecraft shirt maybe she's also wearing some glittery yoga pants from justice...



momsparky
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05 Aug 2015, 7:51 am

CWA wrote:
I used to think it was important to insulate from bullies, but I guess I kind of gave up, at least halfway, and I do my best with what I have to work with. My daughter hates girly stuff, likes boy stuff, and loves minecraft. So she has a mine craft back pack, a black and green lunch box, and quite a bit of boys clothing. She is so different... I didn't want to teach her to sacrifice her sense of self for the sake of others, honestly... they will find SOMETHING to pick on. I do try to mix this stuff in with more acceptable things, like if shes wearing a boys minecraft shirt maybe she's also wearing some glittery yoga pants from justice...


Yup, this is kind of my philosophy, too - I do my best to help him out when it will bother HIM, and to make sure he knows what he's getting into if it's something he wants to do and cares about. At the end of the day, dealing with (or learning to ignore) jerks who focus on things that aren't important is, sadly, a social skill they need to learn.



InThisTogether
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05 Aug 2015, 8:20 pm

This is the approach I took with my son regarding bullies, too. In 5th grade we started a "things that make me a target" campaign. I felt horrible at first, pointing out all of the things that he did that made him a target. I felt like I would make him hate who he was or feel bad about it. But the reality was that he had lived his whole life understanding that he was doing something that was drawing negative attention to himself, but being utterly clueless as to what it was. It ended up making him feel helpless. Once he had a better idea of what it was, he was empowered to make choices instead of feeling like a random victim of behavior he could not interpret. Some things he would decide not to do anymore. Others, he would identify as "at home only" things. And others he would say "let them tease me, I don't care." And the teasing didn't bother him as much because he had a choice in it from his perspective.

This also worked for my friend's daughter. She has always liked to dress and look like a boy. She told her "it's OK, baby girl, if that is how you want to dress. But if that is what you are going to do, then you need to OWN it." And she has, ever since.

This has not, however, worked for my daughter so far. She is very sensitive. She either gets enraged when I try to talk to her about these things or utterly humiliated. So I need to find very subtle ways to steer her when she is making choices that will draw negative attention to her that I don't think she will be able to deal with. The only time she seems to be able to deal with it, is if she perceives it as being related to her creativity. Then she can deal with it. But almost anything else is very hard for her.


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YippySkippy
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05 Aug 2015, 9:18 pm

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This is the approach I took with my son regarding bullies, too. In 5th grade we started a "things that make me a target" campaign. I felt horrible at first, pointing out all of the things that he did that made him a target. I felt like I would make him hate who he was or feel bad about it. But the reality was that he had lived his whole life understanding that he was doing something that was drawing negative attention to himself, but being utterly clueless as to what it was. It ended up making him feel helpless. Once he had a better idea of what it was, he was empowered to make choices instead of feeling like a random victim of behavior he could not interpret. Some things he would decide not to do anymore. Others, he would identify as "at home only" things. And others he would say "let them tease me, I don't care." And the teasing didn't bother him as much because he had a choice in it from his perspective.


This is the same approach I use with my son, and it works really well.



ASDMommyASDKid
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08 Aug 2015, 3:03 pm

When I was a kid, I used to hate when my mom used to point out things I could do that would be more socially acceptable. (plus they were not even current, but that is beside the point) It made me have a very poor opinion of her b/c she presumed to think I would care about things just because she would have if she were me. She had a very bad time of seeing me for me b/c of her own ToM deficits and it never occurred to her a person could think a different way.

So, I really struggle when my son chooses something pink or an otherwise arbitrarily socially unacceptable thing. On top of it all, he doesn't even know when he is being teased. On the one hand, I really don't want him to care, and on the other...the world he lives in is what it is. Now that he is home schooled, I have the luxury of being able to punt a lot of it down the road. Back when he wasn't, I hated feeling like I had to steer him towards safer choices. I still do it to a lesser degree, when we are out and about and around kids, but it is more like telling him a particular shirt might be better for variety or whatever. I don't know when he is going to understand social conventions enough for me to explain it and honestly I really wish I did not have to.



YippySkippy
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09 Aug 2015, 5:34 am

I never tell DS that he shouldn't like something, or that he should care about X. I only tell him how other people may see things, so that he isn't taken by surprise. For example, if he wanted to wear a My Little Pony shirt to school (a real possibility), I would say something like, "It's fine that you like My Little Pony, but if you wear that to school some kids might make fun of you. They might say that shirt is for girls. It's sexist to say that, and they shouldn't do it, but they might. Do you want to save that shirt for the weekend, instead?"



momsparky
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09 Aug 2015, 7:28 am

<3 I am sad that DS seems to have grown out of his MLP stage (only in the last two years, but still...)

Yes. I just tell him what the comments might be - and fortunately, he understands that I don't know everything (the sneaker thing totally took me by surprise.)

Sadly, he just decided on his own that he's not going to wear a hat in high school (can't wear them inside anyway) because he wants to be "invisible." Sniff. I hate that those kids sometimes win.