"Your Child Should Never Be Forced To Hug Anyone....

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I think that is a rather large leap, to be honest. I am not advocating teaching our kids that they must allow adults, or other people, to touch them in any way they please, without consent. There is a difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching that is separate and apart from finding something objectionable. I can imagine it possible that a child could find certain types of stimulatory touch pleasurable and not objectionable. That does not make them appropriate. The boundary can be set regarding what is appropriate vs inappropriate or what is expected and what is not expected. It is expected for your grandfather to hug you. It is not expected that he put his hands on your private parts. It is appropriate that your grandfather to kiss you with his mouth closed. It is not appropriate for him to kiss you with his mouth open, or to put his tongue anywhere on you. Those are boundaries. Not "it is socially acceptable and sometimes expected for you to allow your elders to hug you briefly, but of course, if you find it objectionable you can demand they do not do it and then expect that they will be understanding regarding your dismissal of something that holds meaning to them." Yes, I am being hyperbolic, but I think you get the point.

I do think there are kids who are not taught any boundaries at all, and have never had a conversation regarding what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind is not. I suspect those are the kids who are at risk for being violated. Not the ones who are told to humor grandma as she gives you a hug.

It's not ironic, it's non-verbal communication. And just as I have to remind my son to say please and thank you sometimes I have to remind him to engage in appropriate non-verbal communication.

Just like languages change from place to place so do non-verbal symbols. I grew up in America and now live in England and have dealings with more Europeans than I would have at home. I wasn't down with all the kissing that's done here in social exchanges. It felt awkward to me. I didn't want to do it, but that's the language of affection and acknowledgement here. I still don't initiate kissing which probably makes me seem more aloof than I am, but I do it in response.

It's not that your feelings don't count unless accompanied by appropriate behaviour it's that people can't read or understand them.

I still think it depends on the kid, not just the parent. I have a kid who is non-compliant at the wrong times and also compliant at the wrong times, and this is despite being taught. It just is not clicking. I don't think you are wrong in the general case, if you have a kid who can understand the differences of when to comply with authority and when not to; Plus also understand the differences between socially expected greetings/farewells and other types of body contact.

If you have a kid that is in the weeds with these things, you look at things from a different perspective. In my case, I also come from a family culture that doesn't categorize refusal as a form of disrespect, so for me it is a no-brainer to give that option to reject a snuggle. (My family would score very high on the BAP aloof scale) I also want him to respect other people's ability to reject his snuggles, especially as he gets older, and it makes it tons easier to have it as a general right for everyone to be able to do so.

That said, I also think the author of the article comes from this from her own particular perspective (also not the norm) of someone who was abused and felt like she had to go-along. She is generalizing from that experience and making a blanket statement as a result. For most kids, I don't think this one thing would be the tipping point for abuse, because I think a kid who is likely to freeze up and be compliant, would probably be likely to anyway, regardless. I think it gives a false sense of protection to think that this one thing is protective.

Edited to add: It is never the kids' fault regardless of how he/she reacts.

What I'm hearing is that everyone's form of communication should be respected except for autistic people. And it's not that people can't understand autistic behaviour. They just don't want to try because autism is "bad."

I'd like to say as well that forced hugging teaches depersonalization. And that one's expectations of personal space are not supported or respected. Depersonalization is not good. But it's something one has to get use to so that the neurotypicals get to preserve their version of correct communication and remain happy.

That assumes that all autistic people are tactile defensive, and that's not the case. My boys certainly aren't, well at least for hugs. They are a bit with messy finger stuff. So, I'm teaching them non-verbal communication and helping them to understand the role of hugs. All autistic folks are not the same.

I'm glad your boys enjoy hugs, but this is not the case with all autistic people. It's those that I'm talking about.

Parenting is tough. Parents model and teach most of the social behaviors that children learn, have to respect the children's preferences/aversions, but also know where to push because children are inherently selfish. That's how humans are built. All of the sharing and social reciprocity is taught. It's even more difficult to know the right balance when your child is on the spectrum. But, no child in the world NT or not gets to decide what they want to do without parental input. Because that's why parents exist (otherwise humans would be born fully grown and autonomous). So, there's a line that parents, especially those of ASD children, have to walk to help their children develop, but also respect their children's hard boundaries.

Last edited by pddtwinmom on 05 Aug 2015, 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't disagree.