Unable to control my own frustration

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I was thinking about what you said. Now to all your shock and surprise, I think that video game timers are a good idea. Ok, are you done being in the position? Alright what I mean is timers that allow the parent to allow a set amount of time, like a banking system. They can bank time into a program, and then the child can decide how to use that time. Once the time is up, it's up. So here are links, to some good versions of game/pc timers:

http://www.eyetimer.com/

This works by putting it on a PC. It wirelessly syncs up with sensors attached to things like TV video games, and what not. It says on the side how many minutes the person has to use. They just click on what they want to turn on, and play. My guess if it is on something that is not the PC, it will signal when it is about to turn off whatever appliance you are using. Also, it has study mode, so your child can use the PC without deducting from their time. However, whatever they do is logged. So they can't be having fun when they study, they'll be caught. The only thing is it can be pricey

http://www.time-scout.com/index.php

This one is based on the same concept. Except it comes with a plug lock, and a set of cards with magnetic strips. The child slides the card into the unit, and it counts down the time, when they are done, if they have time left they swipe the card in again and it saves the rest of their time. This takes some more time, to figure out how it works, but it is more cost-effective than the Eye Timer. If you are planning to control more than one electronic item, it can add up though. So the EyeTimer might be better then.

As you can see with both of these products, they still let the person feel they have some control over their time to use electronics. Much better than just taking away the system.

excellent idea violet yoshi !

Buy a new Wii system with a few games for yourself. Tell him you got it for yourself. Tell your son that he can earn time on YOUR new system by doing specific chores for specific hours playing. Never yell at an aspie (super bad idea)! Now watch as your son starts doing chores! And remember to give him extra when he does a really great job.

oooooooooooooooooooh....i like the wii idea too !

Okay, I worked really hard to apply some of the suggestions on this board and things did get better. I offered him rewards for getting his school work done. I let up on some of the restrictions I had been implementing, and basically tried to chill out. He managed to get all of his school work caught up, but not turned in. I can't force him to actually turn in the papers that he finished. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will manage to turn his work in at some point this week. I remind him every morning as he gets out of the car that he needs to actually turn the work in to get credit for it, but he is too old for me to hold his hand and walk him to his teachers with his work.

My next problem is (again with me losing my patience) what do I do when he refuses to take "no" for an answer. When ever he asks for something that I have to deny, he will not drop the subject. He will continually harass me until I have a meltdown. I send him to his room, but he doesn't go. I try to disengage and he used to follow me. He will now usually let me go, but there are certain times (like last night) that I can't physically leave because I am in the middle of something that can't wait. He will go around in circles, telling me that he doesn't understand why he can't do whatever it is that he wants to do even if I explain it a million times and it makes perfect sense. I think that the issue is that he has already pictured what he wants in his mind and he is unable to change this picture when he is told no. He can't revise his thinking. Does that make sense?

Any ideas on how to handle this as a single mom. I can no longer pick him up and put him in time out. He's a little too big for that (14). He can't be reasoned with when he gets to this point. I have taken away stuff in the past and I actually took his phone last night because he was on it with his friend while all of this was happening. He wanted to go to his friends house and I had said no. I didn't even realize that he had the phone in his hands until the situation was totally out of control. The problem with taking his stuff is that I don't think that his behavior is an act of defiance as much as an inability to change his mind-set. I hate punishing for things that he can't help, but I also hate feeling like I can't say"no" without a major ordeal. This has been as issue for as long as I can remember. When he was little, he used to find ways to punish me when I told him no. He would break something, dump things out (like a bag of flour or box of cereal), kick holes in the wall or hurt his little sister. Now I worry more about him hurting his sister or hurting himself. Sometimes I worry that he might even hurt me, although he has never stepped over that line.

I feel like he needs to be able to deal with this in order to manage to be an independent adult. How do I teach him to be able to change his thinking or deal with the fact that sometimes things don't work out like he pictures it?

Is there any more help available? I could sure use it.

Thank you so much for the other suggestions. They really did help to resolve a bad situation.

Sandy

This is a problem. You need to stop "explaining it though". This is how it has to go. You need to listen to his request, make a decision. If it is a no, you tell him, "no". If he asks why. You give him your reasoning. If he "keeps at it, or arguing it" you need to tell him "this is not open for discussion, I have said no, and that is my final answer. I do not want you to do that, I have given my reasons, the answer is no, and will remain no". If he "brings it up again". Tell him that you will not discuss it. He knows the answer. If he keeps at it, just ignore him. Don't respond. He knows the answer. You may need to tell him, "I am not going to respond to this anymore" and then, DON'T.

There is another thread here, about a 16 year old and his siblings you should look over. One of the suggestions (I think with a younger child) is to sit on the floor to a meltdown, with your back turned. Give no response. Now, I don't think you need to sit down on the floor and turn your back, with your son, but the idea is the same. Just don't engage! By repeatedly explaining it, you are engaging!

I know, it is very very hard! And you will slip sometimes, but it will get better!

I was just wondering, what about "selective agoraphobia"?

I think I coined a new term to describe my son and my past behaviour, and I think it sounds like what your son is going through!

Basically, it is a person can "function" in the world, and social situations like attending class. But only when it follows the normal "routine" for said activity. When you have to step out of the normal social interaction "routine" like approach a teacher to ask for help, or hand in late homework, the "selectively agoraphobic individual freezes, anxiety increases, panic sets in, and the "flight" response is initiated!

So your son and my son (and me in the past) not approaching teachers to deal with issues "outside the normal routine" only makes sense, since we know that Aspies have difficulty with social interactions, and have routines.

It seems strange to an outsider looking in, because they see the "selectively agoraphobic" coming to class, sitting down, interacting with the class, talking to them in class, but at the end of class, they are the first to hit the door when the teacher KNOWS they should be seeking extra help or asking questions!

It makes no sense to them. "Obviously this child is not afraid to talk to me, they where just 5 minutes ago!" What they don't understand, is talking after class, or outside of class time is "different" in the mind of the Selectively Agoraphobic!

I know I have swung between full fledged and selective Agoraphobia since my mid teens. At times I can't even order a pizza without fear and panic setting in! However even at my "worst times" if something was in my normal routine, like going to the grocery store, or library, I would be more then happy to "chat" with the staff in the store, even if they where strangers. I don't think this is typical of those who usually suffer from Agoraphobia...

You're right in that is like being stuck in a groove of a LP record. On and on and on. If he asks for something reasonable, it would be better if you could let him know he could have it in the future rather than saying no. Then his mind can get out of the groove and move on to something else. You can even set up conditions that must be met in order to get the reward. You can use his asking for something in a very positive way if the request is reasonable and you can acommodate it. I've always taken the position with my son (who was much more autistic than many I read about here) that anything is possible so what do we need to do in order to get what we want? That lesson will teach him more about real life than simply saying no. Can you get some of what you want now and some later? See the teaching opportunities there?

If he has a problem turning in his work, go ahead and help him turn his work in, preferrably through a guidance counselor. He may feel shame about having his work turned in late and it would help him if he could turn it in through a neutral party. See, turning in work is part of good executive function (something not normal in AS) so he's being punished for his disability. You can't really look at it as "too old" when you're talking about something that is part and parcel of AS. Instead, use the opportunity to encourage not getting behind so both of you don't have to go through the stress of turning in work late.

You know, some people with AS don't become independent adults until they are much older. Please try to avoid the trap of thinking that he has to do certain things at a certain time, and keep in mind that he will do them eventually, just on not on normal schedule. It will save wear and tear on both of you. Pick your battles wisely so your home doesn't turn into a battleground.

Wow, I could have written that myself (except for the 5 jobs part)!

I also lose my patience sometimes. Once in a while I have to send myself to my room, or go out in the car and scream.

My son is very stubborn and I find that what works best is to be very methodical. If you do a, you get b. If you dont do a, you dont get b. Try to perceive your interactions with him like you are performing a job, and that job is to make sure he grows up correctly. I know this isn't always possible.. you have feelings too, but keep on practicing it. It works for me, most of the time.

And when you get frustrated, wrong planet is a good place to visit.

I had a bad day today with my son and my frustration.

I find that ever since he was knee high, he just won't follow any protocol or agenda that is not of his own design. This becomes problematic with simple things like washing your hands before you eat, to phonetically sounding out words. His spelling is terrible, he is 12, and it has to be very early 2nd grade. You sit him down, and try to show him some simple rules, but he just WON'T do it! Like "say the word, hear the different parts"
Example Concrete.
You hear "con" that is a hard C (or K) you hear an "o" and an "n".
Then you hear a hard C again, an "r" and an " e" and finally a "t".

So you get: "concret" or "koncret"

That will be close enough for the spell checker to do its job!

But nope, he will NOT sound things out as he goes along. I know he can do it, but he just refuses, he will fight tooth and nail not to. So, this is how he spelled "concrete" on his science paper: coccrece

*sigh*. I really think there is an underlying learning disability too, segmenting and ordering sounds for him is very difficult, but I can't even get him to TRY, and have not been able to since he was very small. He just has no interest in it, and I think that is the biggest barrier more then anything else.

By the way, we have tried rote methods and whole word recognition, and every other "spelling" program out there for him, it all is about as effective!.

It is frustrating, because he CAN learn, he memorized all his multiplication facts in 6 weeks! (1x-11x) He frequently out performs his peers in class discussion, and can produce "masterpieces" on a computer in just about any subject outside of "language arts".

We are moving away from an emphisis on spelling, and looking into software, like voice recognition and word prediction to help lesson his "handycap" afterall, you don't need to be a steller speller in 2007 to "get by", (I surely am not!) but the more we move away from it, the worse he gets!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I yelled at him pretty hard this afternoon, then felt bad and appologized. The funny thing is, his spelling did improve later in the day! I suppose it was because he actually was sounding things out! Still though, this is not a solution, yelling is not the answer.