Parent with emotional maturity of a child

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Sometimes different people need different things to decompress. I don't like to get into the Men/Mars, Women/Venus kind of stuff because I find it to be hopelessly stereotypical.

I have a feeling though I do not know, that both of you are feeling overwhelmed. Some people like to go out when they are overwhelmed. Some people like to stay in. Etc. So, I think you should try to try to find things that intersect better, or maybe try to find more opportunities and alternate.

You can't compare who is more overwhelmed b/c you are not going to have a common basis to compare. The problem with you both being overwhelmed is that neither of you is going to feel like adding to his/her list of things.

It she is overwhelmed with the needs of your kids, she is apt to not want to look at you as another kid she has to sort out. I don't say that to minimize anything you are feeling -- but if you can, you should approach it as a taking care of each other thing and show that you are going to help her help your kids and each other.

That said, if you are really depressed and you can't do this -- then you do need to be honest and open and tell her you wish you could help her more but you need to get this depression thing sorted out.

Thank you all for your responses. It really helps to have someone to talk to honestly. I really do have a great wife and we get along really well, but sometimes it helps to talk.
Let me make it clear, I am far from perfect and my wife does more of the parenting work because she has a ton more common sense than I do and she feels a lot more being in control than I do. We both feel more comfortable with that way than the traditional biblical the man is the head of the household. It is kind of a fusion of what seems to work best for us.
But yes I do help with the kids. You have to understand though that I work 9-10 hours a day and travel 40 minutes to and 40 minutes from work, so during the week I am away from home a lot. My wife worked full time until my daughter was 5 and my son was 1, but after the second child going back to work was very hard. She wanted to spend more time with the kids but she is a great employee and so she was in demand at work, so she was really torn. Then I got a great job which almost covered both of our salaries, so she became a stay at home mom. She really enjoyed it until the kids were in school full time, and even then she did a lot of volunteering. Recently she wanted to go back to work to have more social interaction, but it has been hard because she is so used to taking care of so much at home.
I help with the cleaning, especially on the weekends (once again she does much more) We always knew we had to work hard to balance things so that I had a hand in helping with the kids, so we made a point of my getting the kids in bed when they were young, reading the bible to them and praying with them.

When I am home I try to do what I can to help my wife. My father in law used to worry because when we visited I was always playing gopher for my wife, but that is just part of our partnership. She is very busy, so if she needs me to do something - go to the store, get something for her while she is busy, pick up after the pets, I try to make a point to do what she needs right away.
Thanks for listening to me complain a little about my little bit of selfishness.
We had a very good time of connecting with each other last night and we are planning to go for a walk in her new favorite trail this morning.
As far as the depression and suicidal thoughts, I am in therapy and my wife and threapist know about it. I also have a couple of people i can talk to. i was on lexipro almost a year and a half ago for 3-4 months, but it actually seemed to make things worse. We have considered going back on medicine, but we feel like we are going to wait a little because I just started on a CPAP and also I am changing positons at work to try to reduce my stress.

I am glad you feel a little better.

Are you able to feel happy around your children?

Yes, I do a lot more with my 12 year old son than I do with my 16 year old daughter. We talk a lot, we have already started talking a little about sex, he has started "looking at girls" and wanted to know if it was weird.

They talk to me about different things than they talk about to my wife.

My daughter wants to be an accountant too and we talk about that.

For most of their lives we have done a lot together as a family, so we are pretty close.

Sounds like you're doing really well, sir.

Don't let your self-doubt ruin what you've built over the years.

I am glad you feel close. I think seeing you really connecting to your kids and them talking to you and feeling supported may be something your wife would respect and appreciate the value of. We none of us are perfect. I need a lot from other people, I try to give what I can back into the world.

I am not there and don't want to be judging you, but it does seem like saying you have the emotional maturity of a child may be true only from a limited perspective.....maybe it isn't all bad to need. We all need other people to a greater or lesser degree. And letting your wife know what you need in the context of all that you can and do give may be exactly who she wants you to be.

You sound like you have a nice family!

I was worried, Kraftie.....it's nice you are back!

It's really easy (and really common) for the spouse that does a lot of the "boots on the ground" parenting to lose track of the other spouse in the throes of parenting.

I know my husband regularly has to take a backseat to the kids. I have spent the past year trying, very hard, to make sure his needs get put first when he is at home (a few hours in the evening and on weekends). Our kids don't even have any "real" special needs-- and meeting the needs of another adult still tends to get swallowed up in the endless stream of sibling fights, homework, nightmares, runny noses, and "Mom-meeee, play a gammmmme with meeeee!"

He gets frustrated with it, and also with the fact that I will, at times, meet my needs before his. I don't blame him. He works hard for us, and it is very easy for him to get marginalized. I don't feel guilty for meeting my own needs any more, though, because the practical fact is that I can't take care of everyone else if I'm running on E. I'm less efficient and more likely to miss things if I don't allow myself to meet my needs.

OTOH, it's also easy for the spouse who's primarily responsible for earning a living to "forget" about the other spouse and the kids amidst the fracas of work. We've run into that a few times around here. Once when his job required "25% travel" that turned out to be 95% of a third of the year, and once when mismanagement had him regularly working 70+ hours a week. Probably looking at that coming up again soon, as he just got involuntarily promoted despite his protests. Not very happy about that.

It is very frustrating. Very, very frustrating. I try to tell myself that these times will not last forever. It feels like they will-- he has many more years of employment in a demanding field to go, and it will get worse as he is approaching having 10 years in as an engineer. Mine is going to get worse too-- the kids are getting older and more independent, but all that means is MORE homework, MORE issues with an ADHD son trying to navigate school now that he's out of early elementary, MORE after-school activities...

...basically LESS to do in the daytime when the kids are all I have to focus on besides housework, and MORE insanity in the evenings when Hubby and I are supposed to be spending time together.

You have what might be the most common complaint in the developed world. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Try to ask early, before you get frustrated and while it's still easy to be civil about it. At the same time, try to be patient. They won't be kids forever.

PS-- Regardless of how well I am doing, how mature I've been, how long it's been since I've had an emotional meltdown, et cetera, I ALWAYS feel like I have the maturity of a teenaged child.

I have been talking to more people about this lately, and I have found that a lot of people feel the same way. These are people who I see as being very mature.

I am beginning to really believe that I had a very distorted picture of how adults FEEL inside their minds. I always thought they were controlled and had it together on the inside as well as it looked to my teenage self like they had it together on the outside. I am finding that this is not the case at all-- most of the adults I know seem to feel like teenaged kids flying by the seat of their pants, barely holding it together, feeling scared and selfish and childish, and thinking badly of themselves for it.

I'd tell you to cut yourself a break, like everyone else does. It's probably good advice. But I can't figure out how to do it either.

True.

One more and I'll quit.

I tend to overfocus on the kids no matter how much my husband helps. When they are tiny babies and again once they hit about 7 and start having some more mature reasoning skills, he is very good to help. He pretty much leaves them to me from about 2 1/2 to about 7, because their behaviors frustrate the hell out of him (his parents showed him very little patience, and he's still working on figuring out how to deal with the way preschoolers and early elementary aged kids think).

Since he's had time, he has been excellent about helping DD14 with homework (especially math, which other than geometry is lost on me after basic arithmetic) and soccer (something else I'm useless with-- I can't even keep track of her position on the field, much less follow a practice or understand the game). So many other things-- talking about careers, oily skin, art, music, which relative to go to for advice about clothes...

He's been really excellent with DS8 for the past year or so too. He is beginning to teach him how to survive school with ADHD wiring (something they share), and they are starting to bond over video games and fishing. He is really excellent with the older kids, and also absolutely aces about helping me with housework and business when he has time and energy to spare. He's an absolute prince.

And I STILL tend to hyperfocus on worrying about the kids. Nagging them about homework, nagging them about behavior, worrying if they've gotten enough of my attention, feeling guilty about leaving them to fall asleep on their own so we can actually have sex on a weeknight, worrying about their school performance, their mental health, their job prospects... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Even when I'm not with them, I'm worrying about them. We go out on a date, and if he doesn't toss out a topic of conversation, all I can think to talk about is the kids.

Something he has learned to do lately that helps is to actually engage with my worrying. Help me identify the problems (or lack thereof) and find methods of dealing with them (or realize that current methods are working them out, or will work them out in time).

This is something my dad used to do for/with me. After he died, I lost that, and went completely mental for a while, as if I did not know how to parent (or trust myself to parent) without a daily sounding board.

It's been particularly helpful in mitigating how much time I spend obsessing about DS8(ADHD).

Bald Accountant, you need to have a way of communicating with your wife about the depression symptom. Maybe it would help if you and she familiarized yourselves with a symptom inventory, such as the Beck Depression Inventory. When you are really having high levels of depression, take this simple little test, and show her the score. It might be an easier way to communicate the severity thing.

I have to say that making a trip to the dump with my significant other would not be MY idea of a date! (As much as I, like you, enjoy running errands together.) We try to get out a few times a year to an event we're both really looking forward to, like a favorite rock band or other performance. I understand why going out to a movie isn't as satisfying to you as it is to her, and I also understand why staying in is not as satisfying to her as it is to you. You guys need to find some middle ground.

I second what some other folks have said, you do seem to have a pretty good family, just wanted to throw that out there.

Well, how much do you lighten her load, so she has time to pay attention to you?

My husband does act like a teen. He is oblivious to adult world responsibilites, except for getting the bills out on time. For which I am grateful. When he was working, it was work, home, veg out time by himself and sleep. It was like living with a 19 year old kid.

When I have ALL the household chores, and ALL the kid care stuff and no me time, yeah...I'm not feeling the let's shoot the s**t time with anyone. I want to hide in the closet because I've been overwhelmed just dealing with work and home life.

And kids are time sinks. We have one, and it is a huge time drain on adult time together.

My husband is working on being part of the family instead of a satellite teenager. He never realized home much I do until I was in the hospital. He lasted a day, and begged his mother to help out.

If you are working outside the home, veg out all evening, don't help out with things you could do, so your wife isn't a scrappy dish rag by the end of the night, I could see why she isn't fired up to be around you. You've morphed into another obligation, not a partner.

I have tried to post on this thread since this morning and it is beginning to frustrate and anger me. Keeps making me fill out a freaking captcha and then claims the site is under maintenance, even though my message is not abusive, does not foul language and does not promote illegal activities.

So, ANYWAY, what I want to say - if this bloody message board will let me post it - is for you, OP, to try a different anti-depressant.

If one doesn't work, don't just give up, go find another one.

While CBT / reducing external stressors might work, sometimes you need medication to really make a difference.

It's up to you.

"I am going to say something incredibly selfish - please forgive me.

My wife pours all of her emotional energy into the kids and the only time she really pays attention to me is when I have an emotional meltdown or when she wants to go on a date (usually doing something she likes, such as going to eat).

Dont get me wrong, that is probably fair and probably what is best for the family at this point in time, but it sucks and it feeds into my anxiety thinking she loves the kids more than me and I a 4th (or fifth) wheel. I feel like the only thing I can contribute is earning a living, which nowadays with my depression seems like a more and more daunting task every day."



No, this is NOT selfish. I believe 100% that the relationship with my husband is the most important relationship that I have. We don't always see eye to eye (he has AD/HD, I'm somewhere on the spectrum) and yes, sometimes I put my son first, but that is NOT my constant priority and I do not feel it should ever be.

When our son was born my husband and I talked about this. My sister was very much like what you describe throughout her marriage. My husband and I meanwhile went out dancing, left our son with my mom at 2-3 months of age, went out to dinner, etc. Did this happen every single day? Of course not. Did it happen at least every two weeks, without a doubt. When at home, we played with our child, we spent time with him, etc...but after 830 or so, it was adult time. It was the time my husband and I sat in our lounge, watched TV or listened to music and talked. During that time I remember my sister and her husband telling us constantly "you guys joke around, you bug each other, you make fun of each other, you hang out but we never do those things, you are so lucky." Of course, each of them told us separately. Here we are 14 years after our son was born still trying to figure things through. Not always happy, but always figuring out a way. Always trying to take a little time for just us.

Does my son have special needs? Yes. He's not very good initiating friendships, so I go out of my way to find him friends. I go out of my way to find him friends he can hang out with and WE get to hang out with the parents as well. Yes, we ALL go out together to eat, to a movie at the park, etc. He gets to have his fun, we meet HIS needs, but we too get to hang out with adults and enjoy ourselves. I try to schedule something for him at least every two weeks if I can't schedule something weekly. So our weekend normally consists of one day for him and another just for us, although our son is always a part of it since we don't have anyone to take care of him. But we still go to a place WE like, a place where there is music, etc.

What has my son gained from it? A lot. He's learned that life is not always about him. When he's with a friend, if the friend wants to go to Chillis instead of eating pizza, he doesn't freak out because he's learned that life is not all about him. He now likes a girl and treats her like a queen. Of course, in return she also treats him like a king . They are considerate of each other, accepting of each other, etc. He is learning how to have an adult relationship, something many with ASDs have a hard time figuring out how to do, but he learned it from seeing US do it. So yes, in the end, the fact that his dad and I sometimes put our relationship first has been a great benefit for my son. I know he'll one day find a girl and put his relationship with her first, he'll understand how you need balance in life when it comes to having a family or being in any relationship.

PS of course, if my husband wants to go dancing but my son is ill and in bed, my son comes first, but not because he's my son but because he is ill, as it should be

One thought I have is you might want to check out The 5 Love Languages. Some of what you're saying here reminds me of the issues described in that book. Basically, the idea is that a lot of people feel like their partner has stopped loving them, not because they have, but because the ways of expressing love that mean the most to that person don't line up with how their partner usually expresses love. For example, one person may feel that the most loving thing to do is to buy their partner something nice, but to their partner, things don't matter as much as spending quality time together.

I'm sorry, I'm probably garbling his theory, but I do think this book might be helpful in figuring out the best way for you to tell your wife what you're going through and what you need.

It's possible your wife has been showing you a great deal of love all this time, but you haven't seen it because she was using a different love language than you.