They've stopped talking to me

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@Waterfalls - I don't have a child with special needs as such, I think he has mild dysgraphia, he's probably a bit ADD like me, but he is very bright, so he compensates. And the dysgraphia seems to be improving (though it is bad enough that I fear for him in entrance exams). Currently he is having some emotional regulation issues, but our family is going through a separation. The school is offering him counselling and have been sympathetic, which he is not interested in. My main issue with his current school is that they are not ambitious enough for him, but there is a tyranny of low expectations in state schools in England, that's the price I pay for not paying school fees.

So I don't really have an issue with the school right now as such, so I am not in your position. I would find this very difficult. I don't think this is an easy situation. Even though it's not always borne out it in reality, schools like to see themselves as 'partners' in education, even though I don't think they always act that way. They also have to take a big picture approach and balance a lot of competing demands, which can make things a bit unsatisfactory in terms of support for an individual child. They are not set up for a strictly consumerist or adversarial model of engagement with parents. What is it that you think they want you to fix? I think you will have to demonstrate that you're taking that on board and working with them.

They said they want me to take my learning disabled child to a counselor to teach her to cope rather than shut down which she does sometimes. I know they might not be wrong and don't want her shutting down, but how am I to get a counselor to fix a problem occurring in school and they don't want to have to report when there is a problem to me? I resent them demanding a counselor as their first step, they did not give me as parent an opportunity to work on helping her and I hate being cut out like I don't matter. And what is a counselor supposed to do without information about when there is a problem? I am very upset about this I want to help her and feel they will not let me.

People have given good advice here and in the other thread about getting an advocate and not giving up.

It seems like it might be considered socially inappropriate that I said what I think instead of showing interest in their solution. It seems like maybe if I were normal I'd maybe have just agreed and then complained "it's hard to find someone with time and what a shame.....such a good idea......but I guess I just can't make it work, so sorry, I tried!" Does this seem what they expected me to do? Or am I upsetting myself trying to make happy people who shouldn't be my primary concern, which should be my child?

I get confused about when they are allowed to tell you what they want you to do--meds , therapy, what have you, as opposed to coming up with school-provided options.

Most schools have an in-school counselor, but I am assuming they are saying they don't want your child to lose instructional time with a pull for it? Franky, it just sounds like they don't want to be bothered and are trying to offload it on to you. If your child's anxiety is affecting her school experience, I can't imagine they can get away with not trying to help. They may prefer that you deal with it on your time/dime and approach it globally, but I would think they would still have to make their resources available to your child.

I am confused, too, about what they are doing and what they are allowed to do.

Mostly I am confused how to deal with the fact my daughter's special Ed teacher, though a very sweet nice person, seems to not want to be bothered by her, which goal she wanted to achieve by lighting a fire under me to get her fixed by an outside specialist but now I've gone and found one, I discovery she not only isn't letting me collaborate, she is dragging out the coordination she said she needed and I suspect it'll be after the holidays (no fault of the counselor she insisted on for the school problems they don't want to tell me of) before she bothers. Because now suddenly "it's not a big deal".

It really seems you are right, teacher seems not willing to or is not able to try and everyone likes her, she is nice.....

What do I tell my child to do as she gets put in the back of the line (metaphor) on learning and treated as a hopeless case? Knowing any acting out by her because of being ignored has now been deemed a mental health "problem", she is expected to smile nicely and accept her fate... As am I (usilent Aspie wail by me)..... I don't know what is right, telling my child to "behave well no matter what", or "sometimes when people won't help and don't listen, putting your head down and saying no to doing things that are too much.....adults aren't always correct, do your best and I am proud of you"? What would others say to their child in this situation?

You need an advocate.

I think that I have told you your rights under the law quite a few times, but it is up to you whether to act on the feedback or not. Most of us here have been in your situation, especially me, and I don't know what else to tell you. You seem to be unwilling to follow the recommended procedure that I outlined here for you several days ago. That procedure was advise given to me by an advocate here when I ran into problems with / for my daughter and it worked decently well for me. To be honest, it is upsetting for me to post feedback to you only to have you state that you are either unwilling or are unable to act on the suggestions, so I don't see the point of posting on your threads in this regard anymore.

I wish you the best. The district / school personnel will continue playing games with you. You need to take firm action right away, and refuse to engage in these manipulations anymore. I hope that you can find an advocate that can best guide you on how to get the district to give her the services and help she needs (and has the right to access).

Good luck !

I think this is, sadly, quite right. This is one of those situations where you need to know that you are playing a game and rely on a skilled player to take your place, because you will not be able to play well unless you dedicate yourself to learning the rules, a full-time occupation. I hate that it's like this, but it is because the US is a litigious society and "the squeaky wheel gets the grease"--meaning they only pay attention to the most salient parental requests and having the request come through a lawyer gets more attention and respect.

I thought it was funny to see elkclan explaining her very, very different context, particularly with "they are not set up for a strictly consumerist or adversarial model of engagement with parents"--that may be true in the UK, but it is not at all true of the US. Canada seems to be heavily influenced by both.

I wish you well and also think you should look into working through an advocate, as HisMom suggests.

I think in the U.S it is a language thing. They speak in a way that sounds collaborative, but really it is adversarial.

Example: My son has a ton of fine motor skill problems. At the time, he could not even button and unbutton his pants. In addition, they were supposed to be working on sensory things to help with behavioral and focus issues. Oh, and his handwriting was bad. They want to drop our already low amount of OT to an even lower amount because of "all the children" with worse handwriting than his, and finite resources blah, blah, blah. Well, aside from the fact, they were avoiding talking about the ton of other issues he had, they were trying to get me to see their point of view and agree with them to my son's detriment. I responded back, that I can only advocate for my own son, not all those other kids but said I thought those parents should come in and ask for OT for their kids too. The admin point person did not enjoy this response. I am sure an advocate would have worded it better.

Anyway, the point is, it is adversarial, no matter how they word things. You can see this, Waterfalls, by how they turned on you. An advocate can translate the doublespeak in her/his head and speak back in the language they expect. They don't get upset, or angry when they are messed around with, b/c to a neutral party it won't be emotional. I will be like negotiating a contract.

I talked to a number of people with various agencies and with the state and am being given instructions in what I should do that I am following, but because I am posting a lot of details about myself and my family at Wrong Planet and am not out to my employer or the school as on the spectrum am trying not to say everything and it may look like I am ignoring people's suggestions. I am sorry about that and certainly don't want anyone being upset by what I write. And it is true I have not found an advocate to go in and do the talking for me. So perhaps I am in a sense not following through and I can do see how that might be frustrating.

Nevertheless, I am finding it difficult to figure out what is happening and it is helpful to hear from people here plus makes me feel I am held within a community of other moms and dads on the spectrum who understand. So to all of you I am grateful for that holding to the extent you are able that you are doing. Thank you.

How do people tolerate the waiting?

It was explained to me we will have to request testing, and then most likely request an independent psychological assessment.....

It seems almost like the school may try to drag this out until she graduates or, at this rate, drops out.

I don't know how to be patient about this stuff. What do people tell themselves that allows you to cope with uncertainty and waiting and people acting constantly like you are being unreasonable beyond that I must tell myself this is adversarial?

I should add, the request to update testing is the recommendation of an advocate. My question isn't what to do, I trust the advice more information has to be obtained.

My question is about coping in the meantime when my daughter says she is feeling neglected, and I start getting upset, and I know a solution is a ways away.

What do you tell yourselves, and, more importantly, I am wondering, what do other people say to their children?

Ugh, Waterfalls, I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do - and I've come to believe that making people wait is purposeful - if they string it out long enough, they don't have to pay as much, and you might give up and go away.

This is yet another reason why an advocate is so important: they know what the legal limits for waiting are (we didn't know, so they delayed my son's diagnosis for A YEAR instead of the 60? days they legally had.)

All I can say is that you are doing this right, even if it feels weird and uncomfortable to you. Just keep repeating that you are doing as well as you can with a system that is stacked against you, and explain to your daughter that sometimes things take time, but you've taken steps to get things moving forward.

You're right. And thank you. I guess I need some validation and encouragement, this has me pretty sad and frustrated.


Ok. Chin is temporarily back up. I will do that.

About the advocate, the lady seems (not surprisingly) to be very busy so that is hurry up and wait, too. She told me things will be a slow dance with the district. She seems knowledgeable but cannot work miracles overnight especially as temporarily at least people seem to have backed off about yelling at my daughter so she's been fine, so they tell me. I don't trust this though, because they don't want to adjust her IEP and they know I wanted that, and I guess that isn't a direction they want to go......

I so want to fix things for my little girl. She is brave and rarely complains, and this is so frustrating!! Anyway I hope they stay more nice to her while things proceed slowly.

The waiting MIGHT be purposeful, but it might not be. Public service time really does operate on a different time scale than when you need a public service.

Part of what you can do as a parent is keep reaffirming to your daughter that she is valuable and loved, even if she feels ignored at school.

You're right, that is something I can do. Thank you.

I agree .... support at home is so essential. She is likely being ignored by her teacher because her teacher doesn't like her behaviour, or yours. This won't change, adults behave like this with each other too. It's an attempt at behaviour modification, a very base one. And waiting ... prepare to wait for the rest of your life. Medical and educational bureaucracy doesn't get tired.

I really don't think you should expect much from her school in the way of specific support for her ailments. Going to an outside source is a good idea. But the trick is to get someone who actually knows what they're doing. It's too easy to get kids to fake it as opposed to getting them to actually be interested in others. And counselors gauge success by behaviour of the patient, not by the patient's experience, which is often painful. But, of course, mental pain doesn't count. (sarcasm)

I suggest preparing for a long trek to find an appropriate counselor, but if you do find one, it'd be worth it.

I think you're right the teacher doesn't like my behavior, possibly even is afraid of me which I don't understand. I am normally gentle, just my reaction doesn't seem to be what she expects even though I am always polite and have never treated her badly. But it's true that she'll suggest something and I will have an opinion or suggestion that isn't "whatever you say I know nothing" which seems to be what she hopes for.

From what I can tell, right now, generally, my child behaves well until she is ignored by the teacher and then sometimes falls apart doing too much on her own, so I'm frustrated knowing the teacher doesn't like behavior she is feeding into. She doesn't notice but she does that a lot, paying more attention to what she doesn't want than what she does.

Yes it is SO hard to find people who are good and can help!