Puberty Question - Help

Post Reply New Topic

Very tricky one I understand where you are coming from I have a teen aspie daughter I would like for her to have an enjoyable sexual relationship at the appropriate age and place with a respectful person if I had a boy it would be the same
However I would have tcpncerns that seeing porn would alter expectations and even what turns someone on
If you can direct him to the more "typical" portrayals of sex the real thing won't be a disappointment
Also you need to hammer home only Yea means yess so he does not get into bother himself by misreading signals
My daughter and her boyfriend negotiate everything ( as far as I can gather) and nothing but yes is yes
I wish you luck with this

If there is a way “going to draconian measures”, then there is a way. It’s funny how you tell me my own teenage years were “unrealistic”. And my parents didn’t even go out of their way to repress me; my natural inability to make friends took care of everything. Not having a cell phone helped, too.

PS – This was for Edenthiel.

I'm always interested in hearing about this phase of life...I was being thoroughly abused when I was going through it and therefore had no experiences that matched my peers.

You know what your son needs for his long term future more than any of us do, I recommend following your instinct.

I apologize Spiderpig; it was not my intent to disparage your lived experience and I am sorry I did so.

if i was a parent, i'd do absolutely nothing, esp when it comes to blocking things on the computer etc. i'd let things go "naturally" and pretend i don't know about anything, because blocking things is already too late and will make both sides uncomfortable and may affect the relationship between parents and their kids in general.


on a side note
in my opinion the only "natural" outlet is masturbation like our grandparents used to do before the computer lol. viewing pictures etc is not healthy in my opinion, but i'm not with or against it because sometimes i love very much to look at those things

This is a very interesting thread. I have wondered myself how I would handle this with a teenage son.

My personal opinion: porn is okay, to an extent. The problem is that porn is not reality. People can get used to unrealistic images and have expectations as to what sex should be like. This can be harmful in a few ways.

It can cause the person to be unable to become aroused or achieve orgasm without porn or masturbation.

It can cause some people to become desensitized to erotic images over time. They may then need more extreme types of porn in order to be satisfied and develop a problem.

In people that are predisposed, it could cause sex addiction.

Humans did not evolve with access to these sorts of things. There were regular people, and maybe crude drawings, to get off to. Or in some cases, maybe animals. Who knows?

I think that porn in moderation is okay. Nude pictures of adults are probably not harmful. Even pornographic movies are probably ok. But in moderation. And extreme stuff is probably not good for a 12 year old to see. A kid that age is still developing and could be damaged psychologically by some of the stuff that's out there.

If it were me, I'd have a discussion about sex with him, what's considered healthy and not healthy to look at, and why. I'd make sure he views women as people and respects them. Then I'd tell him what he's allowed to look at and monitor him to make sure he's not going overboard. That way he has an outlet but is also not given free access to all the weird stuff that's available online.

the thing is..discussion about sex with parents would be incredibly awkward 0_o






It felt good, didn't it?
seriously? lol

We also evolved having regular sex, and, in fact, having children, as teenagers. If the conditions back then had been like they are now in the developed world, puberty would probably start at about thirty and the problem of how to keep your children's sex drive suppressed at an age at which it was once acceptable to satisfy it, but it isn't anymore, wouldn't exist.



I'm not even sure there is a way for a man to reliably avoid being accused of viewing women as "not people", but, if there is one, it certainly involves not being sexually attracted to them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbation or sex. I just don't think twelve year olds should be spending hours per day masturbating and/or looking at porn.

Everything should be done in moderation. Even too much water can kill you.

I'm sure kids in the stone age didn't have time to be masturbating all day long. Everyone had responsibilities, and children probably had a lot more than they do now.

All I'm saying is that the kid needs to have healthy views on sex and not think of women as just objects to satisfy his needs.

And I really don't think keeping a twelve year old from looking at porn all day, or limiting the kinds of things that he is allowed to look at, is suppressing his sex drive. He can look at porn , do what's necessary, then find something else to do for awhile. Appetite for food is a necessary drive as well, but eating all day is certainly not healthy.

A twelve year old really shouldn't be looking at sadomasochistic porn, or animal porn, or any of the other extreme stuff that is available. That's one reason for the monitoring.

Actually, the evidence shows that we've been increasing our work hours ever since the dawn of civilization. I live a pseudo-subsistence lifestyle, I produce 80% of my own food, I make my own repairs to my property, etc. Granted I use modern tools for a lot of things, but at the end of the day I probably only average about 4 hours a day of "work". I quote "work" because I actually find all these tasks enjoyable, because I'm doing it for myself and those I care about, not someone else I don't know and will never meet. Obviously planting and harvesting season have long days, but the majority of the time in the summer it's just a few hours of maintenance. Right now, in winter, there's absolutely nothing I need to do: my house is in proper order, I've got enough food to last until next fall, I've got enough firewood for three years, etc. All I can say is that I didn't truly comprehend the bondage I was under in the modern world until I took the leap and changed my lifestyle to be as independant as the powers that be will allow.

Well, that may be true, in hunter-gatherer societies they do work less. But I think kids of that age are not necessarily thought of as little children who get to do whatever they want all day long either.

They have responsibilities to an extent, and probably wouldn't be sitting around all day masturbating while staring at women.

None of the footage I've seen of hunter-gatherer societies was of people having sex all day long. Not that it isn't possible, I just think it's unlikely. You are bound to get sore at some point.

Yeah, that and just like anything overuse would probably make it feel stale. I'm amazed at what teenagers will do. As I said earlier, i was abused during that phase, which was terrible, but on the bright side i was emotionally catatonic so i didnt have to deal with hormones...sounds like they make teenagers do some weird stuff.

I think it's awkward precisely because you know you shouldn't be having sex if you're not yet a completely independent adult with no need to ask your parents for anything or to discuss anything personal with them. Therefore, the discussion should be rather short: "You won't get to have sex till you earn your own living entirely and don't depend on me in any way anymore, so I've ceased to be in a position to stop you. Meanwhile, I will stop you".

I think his access to porn and it's restriction is a moot point.

I think the important thing is to let him know that the images he is seeing are not accurate depictions of real sexuality and relationships. A lot of young men, I think, and especially those with little experience tend to get unrealistic expectations from porn and are disappointed when life doesn't measure up. Porn is fantasy, so it's important that he is aware of that.

Also I agree that this is a great opportunity to show how society has chosen one aspect of women and zoned in on it to the exclusion of other things that women have to offer (and I'm not talking about making a sandwich.)

I think it's any parent's responsibility to their children to make sure they have healthy views of sex, and to make sure that they respect people of both genders. And really, that they respect people in general, even those that are different.

But at the same time keep them aware of all the dangers out there. Kids need to be reminded that not all people are good, and that "bad" people don't always seem bad. We are responsible for preparing our children for the real world, so that they can become self-sufficient adults.

That's one reason why children need to be monitored online and when using cellphones and other devices. They just don't have the experience yet to see all the dangers. I manage to make sure invasion of privacy isn't an issue, because it's made known beforehand that privacy is not to be expected. That way no "sneaking around" is necessary. It's just one of the rules.

Oh I dread this phase, DS is nearly 7 atm.

There are lots of articles being shared around the mums groups that the "talk" needs to change to what it was when we were kids and it now needs to include discussion about porn and be the talk should be had BEFORE AGE 9! They say, and I so hope this isn't accurate, that 85% of kids are exposed to porn on a smart phone at school by age 10 and that parents should discuss it with them before that happens because smart phones and schools are not preventable. This scares the crap out of me.

In the same kinds of articles they say that kids as young as 12 are doing things they see in pornos that we didn't even think ok until our 20s, or never and they are injuring the girls and girls think they can't say no because that's what the women in the video do. I think we need to instill respect in our boys to think about the girls feelings, and self respect in our girls. Honestly, I think, in my female opinion, that teenage boys will be teenage boys (no offense men) and the girls need to demand they are respected, the boys will give respect if the girls don't let them get close without it. Just my opinion.

I think... follow your instincts with your son. Maybe you choosing what he is exposed to is better than being so inquisitive he wants to know what his friends are watching. Just make sure he understands the difference between acting and entertainment, and real life girls.

You sound like a great dad.