Helping your aspie kid with social situations

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There are very different kinds of aspies, KimJ, and some of us just don't like parties. Some NTs, like my husband, hate parties too. You know, I was never physically punished by my parents. When someone did something mean or rude, my mother said: "They have bad manners."' Okay, I think. Their behavior is their fault, not mine. It certainly was a lot easier for me to deal with it that way. At least I knew how kids were supposed to behave.

I was never bullied in elementary school. I grew up in Atlanta and went to grade school near a Jewish synagogue. I grew up with Jewish kids, black kids, kids with disabilities (polio especially) and all these kids had more or less the same expectations of them. There was no bullying tolerated. No child would have dared bully a handicapped child in that society. They would have been turned in by their peers and sent home with a phone call to their parents.

Teaching good manners is not helpful when the norm is bad manners. It is not about the parents of aspie kids, it about the society. I think you misunderstood that point.

I guess I did miss the point. I thought you were addressing this man's problem with his 12 year old, specifically why he doesn't understand how to behave at a party. But what you are really discussing is the lack of uniform adoption of manners and how it's difficult to train an Aspie/autistic in this atmosphere.
That's true too.

I know different people like different things, re parties. I was describing the universal difficulty with open ended activities, regardless if you like parties or not. I don't think eDad said whether his son wanted to be at the party. I was trying to describe how we enjoy parties but require a point to them, a schedule and goal for being there.

We go to parties. We also know how to deal with our son. If it's a kid party for someone at school I always give my son the option of going or not. It's up to him to decide and I'm fine either way. For "family" get togethers and parties, we know up front that he's not going to always want to participate in group activities - and you know what - THAT'S OK. However, I'm not going to stop going to functions just because my son doesn't want to get involved. We always bring an alternative activity for him (i.e. - his game boy, etc.) because that's what he enjoys. I still think it's important to offer the opportunities, BUT - you have to expect that he's not always going to want to be involved. At first, when he was very young, I had a hard time understanding it - but you know, it's just my son and the way he is. I'm good with that, and he's good about going along with us. It works fairly well. Sure, sometimes we have our issues (my parents, my husband's parents - who don't get it at all), but whatever...so does every other parent in the world sometimes.

I guess I'm saying that I think it's perfectly fine to take my son to a party, and if he needs to, I'm perfectly fine with his sitting in a corner playing his game boy or sitting on my lap asking me to wrap my arms around him tightly.


As for me - interestingly enough, I HATE parties. I don't mind them when there's a clear purpose to them, but I hate small talk. For that matter, I don't like meeting new people in general. I'd rather stay home...and yet there have been times in my life where I have absolutely forced myself out of my little comfort zone because I knew that once I got comfortable, it would be fun. Interestingly enough - the one time I'm thinking of has gained me some of my very best friends, so I'm glad I did it. I'd still rather stay home from most parties though.

I don't think that this boy was reported as not wanting to be at the party, or even play the game. I know from my son, and a boy with PDD I had in my beaver coloney a few years back, these younger aspie boys often DO want to go to the party, and they DO want to play the games. Just something happens mid activity, and the whole thing derails.

In this case, it sounds to me like a problem with TOM, either he did not understand going into the game that being tagged and out was a possibility for him, or he could not connect that the girl did not mean to hurt him. The whole thing just blew up, before anyone could really get ahold of the situation.

Sometimes, that just happens. After the fact, you pick up the pieces, try to coach the child as best you can on what happend, and what he should have done, and what is EXPECTED of him next time.

I also think it may have been a problem with Sensory integration. Even though he may have wanted to be in the game, it sent him into overload, (like the average 35 year old NT walking into a night club full to the brim with 19 year olds getting drunk (18 in montreal). I remember this once happening when I went to a small overcroweded Walmart in a large city due for expansion. I just FREAKED OUT when someone bumped me. Now, I did not "deck" the person, but it sent me just about running out of the store in a full fledged panic attack crying my eyes out. (A very rare thing for me). I wanted to go to Walmart, I was happy to be shopping, but midway, I just could not cope with the enviornment anymore and lost it.

Being hit by the ball, was the catalist for this boy going over the edge.

So what to do about it:

1.) Explain what he did was wrong, it is not acceptable to hit another person as best you can. Set the standard that it is not ok, next time will result in consequences. ( I think you did this). Teach him how to walk away, tell him what he should have done.

2.) In the future, try to limit contact with this sort of activity, maybe steer away from parties for at least a little while. (Parties are not the best place for an Aspie to learn social skills. To most NT's, they are relaxed and fun casual activites. To the average Aspie, the lack of order and planning and excessive stimulation is chaotic and difficult to navigate through.)

3.) Don't worry about how his socialization today relates to his ability to socialize in a way he needs to get by as an adult. He still has many years to learn how to prevent meltdowns, and as an adult, will be able to custom tailor his environment to what he can handle. Social blowups like these, will not "help" develop social skills. Look for quality socialization that he can be successful at, not quantity.

4.) Get him councelling. It sounds like he needs it, I agree.

Well, edad made the comment that kids learn from watching kids make mistakes and get punished. I think it would be better to teach all kids not to make mistakes in the first place.

As far as party going, I think there is diversity among aspies how they feel about it. The only thing we can do is listen to our aspies about how they feel and encourage the things they want to do.

When I was a teenager, I sometimes enjoyed dances, and I often enjoyed concerts. As I a kid, I didn't enjoy playing games with other chldren at parties. I'd much prefer to play with one other child. As an adult, I just don't enjoy parties where people are in the process of "partying." I much prefer a gathering with a couple of other people.

We all don't have to be the same. There are many NTs who don't enjoy large groups of people.

Then why do you go to them?

Hitting should never occur no matter what the reason, especially a six-year old girl. Your son needs to understand this. Any kind of contact sport should be avoided if your son is prone to aggressive behavior and has difficulty.

The protection of other kids along with your son's self-esteem is at risk. Each time your son melts and hits/lashes out, he suffers internally.

I never understood dodge ball--way too violent.

Still, your son needs to learn how to avoid something he can't handle--maybe this is CBT? He needs to learn strategies for being part of the crowd but not necessarily following the crowd, mixing in.

My son had difficulty with a group of older girls (a couple of times) and playing tag. Both times, they initiated game and he said "yes". I described the situation to him, told him it keeps ending negatively and that it doesn't work. Next, I explained how he could play by himself--he didn't have to play with a group. Well, the next day this is just what he chose to do. It worked out fine. He played alone (in his internal world of imagery--who cares-- and then joined a soccer game).

AS children need to have permission, sometimes, to be themselves. This is sad, but true.

best,

equinn