An open letter to the father of my son with HF Autism...

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It's something we can comfort ourselves with, knowing that we made world-changing contributions once and can again, under the right circumstances. We don't have those circumstances now, but circumstances can change on a dime. Bottleneck events happen, we live in times of great turmoil and great change.

It's knowledge we can raise our autistic kids with. Learn to play the game, but don't forget who and what you are, that you are made different and that that difference can become a strength real fast.

For us, now??? We're stuck. Patriarchy isn't on our side, and feminism isn't either. Patriarchy is a better friend than feminism, at least patriarchy tells the truth and has clearly defined rules for the roles we are supposed to play.

We play the game, according to the roles and behaviors women have been assigned. We try to act like the typical girls, be all sweet and dependent and ego-boosting for our men (if we have them). If you're independent?? Stay that way. A lot of the role playing goes away (or at least stops when you get home) if you don't have a husband to play your socially assigned role for.

My theory is that you are in the first generation with diagnosed autism that have gone ahead with their desire to have kids. In Temple Grandin's day, just having an actual day job and functioning independently was considered to be a major achievement--as late as the mid 1980s a book for professionals suggested that institutionalization was likely. Even now, based on what I have read on this forum, it is still common for autistic women to "pass under the radar" and not have their autism detected by the screening programs that were in place when they were kids.

People with HFA or Asperger's didn't get diagnosed in the 1980s.

In 1984 the school screening programs suggested I see a psychologist for further testing. I found the recommendation a few yrs ago and my mom fluffed it off and wouldn't talk about it back then. I figure either she took me and didn't want to accept the diagnosis or she never took me to it. It wouldn't surprise me if she got a diagnosis though and just never told me since she got me in a lot of social programs including ones on executive functioning skills. This is crazy the amount of connections I am making now.

I am still trying to figure out if I wanted to have kids or if it was what I thought society wanted and that's why I had them. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I have them and would not change it for the world, I just wish in ways the world would change for them though. My brother and cousins never had kids and I always felt a strong urge to carry on my family genes. We have quite a family tree with a long history to it and I had a feeling our line would die out if I did not have kids. I never thought of myself as a woman or a man, but I see have traits of both sexes in me. I wish we had words like Native Americans and some Scandinavians do as far as gender goes, it could cut out so much of the gender confusion we have in North America now. We should be able to embrace the characteristics of both sexes without putting a label on it. Society would be a whole lot better if we could do that.