ASD Stepson Makes Me Uncomfortable

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Sweetleaf
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18 Jul 2016, 5:36 pm

Betseyev wrote:

YippySkippy wrote:

I'm just going to admit that this is another one of those step-parent posts that frustrate me. Another person who didn't bother to learn about ASD while she was dating the dad, and now is confused and upset and wants to know how to fix things because she's "creeped out".
*sigh*
I can't even.

Actually, I've done quite a bit of research and reading on the topic. I also met with Chris' therapist, and Jeff and I have worked with our therapist on helping Chris. You made several assumptions in your post that were wrong. You know what assumptions do?

I'm "creeped out" because Chris masturbated in MY BEDROOM. It's possible he was using MY PANTIES to assist in pleasuring himself. You aren't going to shame me for feeling boundaries were crossed.

To all the other posters, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. Jeff did have the talk with Chris again about the appropriate time and place to do that. I understand that it's very normal for teens (I have a 16 year old son myself so I get it), but it's not okay to do that in someone else's space.

Thank you again to those of you who were helpful and non-judgmental.

Why do you think he was using your panties? It probably just didn't occur to him that it might be inappropriate to do it in that bathroom since it was a bedroom bathroom.

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YippySkippy
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18 Jul 2016, 5:48 pm

Quote:

I didn't make any assumptions whatsoever. The question you asked was really Autism 101 material, and sounded like someone without a clue. If you've done any reading on ASD, then I'm even more surprised you couldn't figure it out on your own.

Quote:

I'm "creeped out" because Chris masturbated in MY BEDROOM. It's possible he was using MY PANTIES to assist in pleasuring himself. You aren't going to shame me for feeling boundaries were crossed.

He'd have done the same thing if he was NT, only he would have lied about it and you wouldn't have known. He's a teenage boy. And it's only your own imagination that is bringing your underwear into it.

Does your husband know you find his son creepy?

Betseyev
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18 Jul 2016, 9:29 pm

Wow. Looks like I touched a nerve with some of you. You spot it, you got it, I guess. Some seriously angry people here!

Thank you again for the people who were truly helpful. I guess it serves me right asking for help here instead of sticking to professionals.

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

somanyspoons
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18 Jul 2016, 10:41 pm

Betseyev wrote:

You should definitely stick with the professionals.

OK, OK. That was sarcasm. You are speaking to a professional. I'm a licensed special educator, specializing in kids with behavioral challenges and I'm a chiropractor. (Yes, I know that's an odd combo. Its a long story.)

Is it so hard to believe that a site for people with disabilities such as ours might also be chock full of professionals? And full of people who know what they are speaking of?

You really do, no sarcasm, and no double-talk, need to seek the advice of a professional. You are expressing significant problems with the disability status of your stepson. You are going to cause him, the rest of your blended family, and yourself harm if you don't find a way to resolve these issues. People with disabilities need respect. That includes understanding their different limits and needs. It also includes ALWAYS assuming that they are intelligent and capable in areas that aren't directly impacted by our disabilities. You're not expressing an understanding of this here. And yes, if you don't want to hear this message, you really shouldn't come on a board for people with disabilities.

If you want to educate yourself, you can google "ableism." And you can read blogs by the multitude of professional autistics available on the internet.

League_Girl
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19 Jul 2016, 3:07 am

TBH I think I would also be creeped out if I found out someone masturbated in my bedroom and it doesn't matter who does it. That was how I felt when I read the OP, I found it creepy that someone masturbated in her bedroom. I don't know why. I mean why would someone want to do it in someone's bedroom instead of in their own room? But I would be lying if I said I had only masturbated in my own bedroom. But I am too embarrassed to even admit it.

I don't think the OP is creeped out because her stepson is autistic, she is creeped out because she got TMI from him and now she knows what he has been doing in her room and bathroom and now whenever she goes in there, she knows he might have masturbated in there and cummed. Just imagine the thoughts in your head if you were told by someone they had been having sex on your bed with their partner or that they had been having it in the kitchen? That is where people eat and cook food and keep their food and now you have to go in there and be creeped out and you might be creeped out eating food now from that location. Now you might be creeped out by the couple. Lot of people don't want to know about your sex life so the OP doesn't want to know about her stepson's.

Why has the OPs step son been having it in their bedroom bathroom I don't know. Does he have his own bedroom? Is it private? Does he share his room with a sibling and never gets any privacy in there? Why his parents bedroom? Yeah I found that creepy but not because of his disability, because of the location.

A little story here, one of my brother's friends once put a condom on someone's mother's bed to make her think someone had sex in her bed. She found the condom and she freaked out and thought someone had sex on her bed but no it was just this kid playing a practical joke on her. He was NT so she got creeped out but not because he was NT, because she found a condom and thought it was used. To me it wouldn't make a difference if it was done by someone with autism or an intellectual impairment or a schizophrenic or someone with Bipolar, etc.

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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.

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19 Jul 2016, 3:56 am

maybe someone already said something and i just didn't see it, but... am i the only one who finds it odd that the father/husband in question didn't keep the (too-much-)information to himself? to me that seems to be the real problem with the whole situation

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androbot01
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19 Jul 2016, 4:21 am

I think it was a creepy thing for the kid to do.

I also think that he probably has a crush on you, OP.

Definitely awkward.

Tawaki
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19 Jul 2016, 12:12 pm

The reason for saying your (OP son's) bedroom is that my friend's son caught masturbating in the school restroom.

He thought "bathrooms" were an okay place. The teen is 12.

So he totally missed the unspoken part about "the bathroom being in your own private home."

Also I have never been in a home that had more than one bathroom. Quality time would be more provate under a freeway over pass, especially with 6 people in a home.

League_Girl
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19 Jul 2016, 3:25 pm

Tawaki wrote:

Also I have never been in a home that had more than one bathroom. Quality time would be more provate under a freeway over pass, especially with 6 people in a home.

Really? I have always seen homes that had more than one bathroom but many of the older homes built before 1940's all had one bathroom. It was only the big homes that had more than one.

I didn't know it was inappropriate to masturbate in public restrooms. I never understood the point of it anyway because mine was always done at home where I can lay down and do it. No way would I lay on the restroom floor to do it where people can see it.

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Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.

ASDMommyASDKid
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19 Jul 2016, 3:42 pm

Tawaki wrote:

That makes sense. Where I grew up, we only had one bathroom for the entire family, for a very long time. I doubt any of that went on in it because of the likelihood of someone banging on the door needing to go, at any time.

Where I live currently, there are only new homes, and it is standard for the master bedroom, at minimum, to have its own bathroom, even in small homes and apartments. My son's bathroom is the one that I suppose would be the regular, general use bathroom, but he is the only one who uses it for anything other than a quick potty break. I wouldn't care if he wanted to use it for that because when he is old enough to be a mess, I think it actually would be easier.

If I were worried about a generalization being made about bathrooms in general being OK, that would be a different thing. And of course since the OP was writing about a generalization having been apparently been made about allbedrooms being OK for that, it would certainly make sense that this could happen with bathrooms.

So, they key really, is being very specific about what private means.

Tawaki
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20 Jul 2016, 10:51 am

Clarification....

I have never LIVED in a home with more than one bathroom. My family and friends who do have this type of lay out.

Half Bath on 1st floor (not really private).
Regular size bath in 2nd floor (with 4+ people, no guarantee of privacy)
Master bath..parents room, and almost no one goes in there, except parents or for emergencies.

For people who have think OP should have a cup of STFU, pick your favorite object. Weighted blanket, favorite stuffed animal, the shirt that has been worn down to that just right no picky sensory overload softness. Then have someone use that object for sexual gratification without you knowing about it. Even if the object got dry cleaned or washed with no extra DNA floating around on it, you'd all have no issue with someone going through your personal space and using your personal object as a sex toy? We'd all be cool with that? Especially if the person was older that 16?

Fluffy Kitty's head got a good look at someone's nether regions and it's all good? If I did that to my husband's favorite shirt, and he found out...the meltdown would rival Nagasaki in intensity, and he would probable toss the shirt. Also a big helping of what the hell is wrong with you.

If I wanted a shirt, I'm guessing he'd give me one.
Taking the shirt is not respecting his privacy, even with me being married to him.

It is no crime to masturbated. The son violated his step mom's privacy and personal space.

If the son has a thing for women's undergarments, get him his own that he keeps in the bedroom. I know men who do this. This way there is no need for him to be in mom's room.

YippySkippy
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20 Jul 2016, 2:19 pm

Quote:

For people who have think OP should have a cup of STFU, pick your favorite object. Weighted blanket, favorite stuffed animal, the shirt that has been worn down to that just right no picky sensory overload softness. Then have someone use that object for sexual gratification without you knowing about it. Even if the object got dry cleaned or washed with no extra DNA floating around on it, you'd all have no issue with someone going through your personal space and using your personal object as a sex toy? We'd all be cool with that? Especially if the person was older that 16?

That's not the same as what we know happened at all. He masturbated in a bedroom or bathroom that didn't belong to him, but was part of his house. That's it. There's no reason to assume his thought process went any further than "here's an empty room, no one's around..." All this stuff about panties and being attracted to his stepmom is coming from peoples' imaginations, and is very likely influenced by the OP's highly offensive statement that she's creeped out. She doesn't sound like she needs any help thinking up horrible stuff about this kid, so I don't know why you guys are feeding her paranoia.

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20 Jul 2016, 2:55 pm

my troll-thread radar is picking up some signals...

if op is legit, then seriously, the stepson's autism is far from being the only issue in the family. the father should have already known how to handle that kind of situation with his son (it's a little alarming if he doesn't by now), he shouldn't have involved anyone else (especially not the op), and while being freaked out by thoughts of sexual situations within a family is more than absolutely normal, blaming others for it is not

apart from seeking counseling for everybody in the family, i think the only thing that can be done about it is the first advice given in this thread (ironically by a 16-year-old)

AnaHitori wrote:

Heheh, he sure is honest. ^^

I would say just try to stop thinking about it. Well, maybe you're already trying that... It's in the past, so why should it matter now? You'll probably get past it eventually. ^^

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ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Jul 2016, 4:41 pm

YippySkippy wrote:

Quote:

Honestly, I really think he just didn't know what rooms are OK, and made incorrect assumptions. The father should just very directly tell him specifically where he is allowed to do that. Hopefully, that is what the subsequent talk included.

I understand where someone might think it is common sense, but it really isn't, if you do not know how to specifically define private space; and as we can see in the bathroom sub-debate, this is something that might vary by household anyway.

If the OP had other reasons to suspect something else, they were not explained. It may be one of those things based on NT assumptions. My son isn't in the post-puberty stage, yet, but I can see where this would be confusing to him, even at a later age. He still loves to visit us in our room when there is thunder or he is sick, and he co-slept for a long time, too. He knows it is primarily my husband and I's space, but I don't think he thinks it is not his, either if that makes sense.

I will say that this post is forcing me to think about how to clearly, proactively address this, which is not a terrible thing. Also, it reminds me of the movie, Bridesmaids, where the one character is always talking about her presumably NT sons masturbating all over the place. I know that is a comedy, but I am guessing that even with NT boys there may be some kind of issue with this, or it would not be the subject of a long-running gag.

Sweetleaf
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20 Jul 2016, 4:53 pm

androbot01 wrote:

I think it was a creepy thing for the kid to do.

I also think that he probably has a crush on you, OP.

Definitely awkward.

That is quite an assumption to make...I am sure the kid is embarrassed enough about getting caught in the act, without having it assumed he has some inappropriate lusting for his step mother. I mean if it was the bedroom in their bed then I could see the suspicion being a bit more reasonable but from the sound of it he did it in the bathroom which is attached to the master bedroom. Maybe it was the furthest bathroom away from his parents at that moment.

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Sweetleaf
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20 Jul 2016, 5:00 pm

Tawaki wrote:

What object of the O.Ps did the guy use to masturbate with? A teen masterbating in the master bedroom bathroom is hardly akin to someone taking a special object/possession of someones and using it to masturbate with. Also if he didn't realize it was innapropriate and violating space to do it in that bathroom...its kind of sad if from hence forth the O.P is giong to think he's lusting for her every-time he's around cant imagine that being good for family dynamics.

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