Step-parenting and Aspie????! !! !!

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Okay, I'm sure you love your child, so I'll just try to explain why your post sounded wrong:
1) You called your other kids "normal", implying your Aspie kid isn't. I think many Aspies are going to be offended by that, because they usually get to hear this as an insult. (And though I'm not very good at telling peoples' feelings, I'm absolutely sure some of the people who already posted here took it as one) You might want to be careful how you put that sort of thing if you don't want to offend anyone. Try to remember that Asperger's is NOT some sort of illness, just a certain type of personality.
2) You say your husband feels "guilty", making it sound like there was something seriously wrong with your child.
3) You were implying that your child is rude, talks back and doesn't do the things he's supposed to be doing ON PURPOSE. That's just wrong, Aspie kids often have difficulties to understand what they are supposed to be doing or saying. Oh, and they're disorganized (not all but many), I know that from myself. Nothing of that is intentional. I'm sure most of the time your child doesn't even know his actions are not appropriate. I know NT people can't even imagine that sort of thing and because of that react agressively, but if you did some research on Asperger's, you should try to understand that maybe your child DOESN'T have an instinct that for example tells him "okay, here's somebody trying to be friendly, so it's appropriate to smile". An aspie kid has to learn that sort of thing consciously.
4) "Age appropriate" TV and video games should be the same you would give to a NT child that age. Aspies are usually not ret*d.

I read everything I can find about asperger's and challenging kids. My 14yo son has AS+ (ADHD/dyspraxia/LD's) and the book that helped me the most was Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child". The "baskets" concept really turned our home life around. And the principles apply perfectly to teens.

The only thing you maybe want to add is direct instruction in social skills if you haven't already. This is where they teach the rules of NT society and how to adapt. My son has benefitted alot from his group. The good one's are hard to find and costly but they're out there. Other than that, it sounds like you've got it covered.

Have you recently blended families or has it been awhile? Transitions are terrible for my kid - his behavior would have deteriorated significantly.

I remember that book, I got it out at the library 5 years ago when I knew something was going on with my son. I don't remember it saying anything about AS, (although it might have) but I do remember it did help a lot and I felt a lot less alone.

Hmm... looking at the website it does look like it isn't Aspergers specific, but rather helps children with social emotional and behavior challenges. This paragraph looks really appealing and I think is the gist of what a lot people here are "trying" to say!



The website is here: http://www.explosivechild.com/cpssentials/index.html

No concerns about his IQ in terms of TV and video games, but socially and emotionally the MD and therapist feel he is at age 8. Kind of hard to be in Middle School but only be able to watch Disney. Some of his friends watch "Family Guy" and things like that and horror films and he wants to watch them. The problem is that it would be quoted at church and to the neighbors 4 year-old.

It's very asperger-friendly though. He does mention kids in the syndrome mixes of AS, PDD, ADHD, bipolar, tourette's, depression, LD, anxiety etc... He repeats often...kids who are chronically inflexible and explosive... and uses real life examples from his private therapy sessions. I refer to my copy whenever I run into a snag.

The thing about church and the neighbors' 4-year-old doesn't have anything to do with your son being an aspie, right? Kids quote that sort of thing, you can hardly avoid that. I picked up words and phrases in kindergarten which would be 18+ in "polite society", from kids who were NT and considered absolutely "normal".

Last edited by Eller on 09 May 2007, 3:46 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dealing with any neurobiologically different child is challenging for parents. It is okay to have a day when you do not want to deal with the child or feel guilty or whatever other feelings you and your husband may have. It is a reality. The best thing my mom ever said to me came long before my boys and new husband were diagnosed. She said "You do not have to like your children everyday. You know you love you them, they know you love you them. Cut yourself some slack and everyone will be happier. No one likes their children, spouse, friends or family ALL of the time."
That statement came when I was raising 3 little boys, 2 with AS that I didn't know about it, all alone. I was losing my mind! Now that I have 4 children and know that 2 have AS and one has ADD it is even more important. I know what the guilt is about. I look in the mirror everyday and know where they got it from....ME! I feel it every time I think about them not being diagnosed until they were 12 and 15.
I also have a blended family. My ex is the boys father. He lives 100 miles away and used to see them every other weekend. My NT 14 yr.old still goes every chance he can but the AS boys don't go. The 16 yr. old quit going 1 year ago and the 13 yr.old goes about every 4 months or so. I have tried to get the oldest to go but the constant changes from house to house and the different people there (step-mom and step-sister) are much different than here. We are not social people here and at Dad's they are constantly on the go. I finally came to realize that the constant change of routine and environment was very detrimental to the AS boys and I don't push it anymore. The youngest AS wet the bed at his dad's until he was 11. He would shut down for days after the visits.
Their dad doesn't push it, either. He takes what they can give.

I will post more to later, I have some great books I have read and web-sites with very good coping strategies. For now, off to an appointment, AGAIN.....

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No concerns about his IQ in terms of TV and video games, but socially and emotionally the MD and therapist feel he is at age 8. Kind of hard to be in Middle School but only be able to watch Disney. Some of his friends watch "Family Guy" and things like that and horror films and he wants to watch them. The problem is that it would be quoted at church and to the neighbors 4 year-old.[/quote]

I don't know what to say to this one...

On one hand, you are the parent, and what you decide is and is not appropreate for your child is up to you and your husband (and his ex) to decide.

I am not going to list off the virtues of watching horror films or "family guy". Honestly they are not very good for the young developing mind, and would have to be limited to very small doses.

That said, I can't imagine how it makes him feel about himself! All his peers are talking about these shows, and watching these shows, and must occasionally ask him if he does, and it is just one more thing that sets him apart from everyone!

I am also a little troubled that it does not sound like a "value" problem you have with his watching these shows, rather your concern for what the "neighbours will say or the church will say" if he repeats this stuff in at inappropreate times! Again, it just seems like a lack of exceptance for him, and like you are asking him to conform just a little too much putting too much stock into what "others will think".

My son is 12, he watches Family Guy, and even *shudder* South Park in small doses! And yes, sometimes he takes what he sees, and makes reference to it at inappropreate times. When that happens, I let him know it is inappropreate and "not the time". He knows if he starts living in "T.V. land" then the shows will get scaled back even more, that is part of the "rules". He does things that he should not. When I went to his first open house, he sat down with his 4 year old sister, and started drawing lewd cartoons of a naked 7 of 9 from Star Trek! Sure I was a little mortified, but I told him "That is not appropreate" and asked him to stop. He did, I moved on. Just yesterday he came home discouraged because the "Hikeu" poam he wrote about Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo from South Park was deemed "inappropreate" by his teacher and he had to write another one! If you don't laugh about this stuff you will cry! I just told him I agreed, and suggested he do one about kangaroos, a "near" obsession as it is the animal of choice for his science unit right now.

He is learning the bounderies, all be it not as fast as his peers. They where "amazed" he watched South Park (horrid show) and was even able to tell some of them where to find episodes online (I have parental controls set to limit access). He came home talking about how he had a "conversation" with his peers! I could tell he felt good about it, I could tell he felt more "normal". Yes, it was about perhaps the most horrid show on earth, but it IS what 12 year olds are watching these days! (I put my foot firmly down on it when he was 8 btw and ALL his other friends where watching it, because I felt it was not appropreate for ANY 8 year old to watch it, not because of his AS).

I don't let him watch or play anything, I do limit what he has access to questionable games and programing, (probably one of the stricter parents in the neighbourhood not due to his AS but just because no 12 year old in my opinion should be playing grand theft Auto or watching films that can't be rated!) I do let him know that access to this "crap" is limited and contingent on his ability to "handle" the content after the fact. At the same time, if he goofs and acts inappropreately with it, I restrict it for awhile, almost like a grounding from it, and then let him have it back in small doses. How else is he going to learn how to behave? What kind of message not letting him watch this stuff sends to him if he knew it was because I felt he personally could not handle it vs. his knowing my decisions are based on what I would let ANY 12 year old do?

I agree, I am going to buy a copy this weekend, I was impressed with the book and strongly identified with some of the stories, I think it is one for the library! Thank you so much for bringing it up again!

Yeah! This is the kindof mother I like hearing from . Now it looks like I stand a much better chance at getting a job at another camp with kids with all disabilities (well not all just like ADD/ADHD/Asperger's/HFA/and other learning/social difficulties.) If you guys (by that I mean all of you, especcially him) Christian you might want to look at it, it certianlly is alot cheaper just $1600 for 2 weeks and $800 for one as opposed to $1100 and $2200, the website this time is http://www.charishills.org/. I would rather get the job with Sight and just work with cute lil aspies but it looks like I have a better chance with this one (trying to get a job in a weeks time is tough to say the least, but I am leaving on a class trip out of country in a week so not much choice) and maybe they do some placement based on difficulty :shrugs:. And to PM me just click the PM thing right under this message silly .

I haven't read the "Explosive Child" book, but my husband and I watched the video. We still try to use collabrative problem solving as much as we remember. I think it would work better for older children (Bubba is 5) because they are a little more in tune with acceptable outcomes. Bubba still says a lot of "I don't knows" or ex: Bubba, I am concerned that if you eat all the candy in the bowl before dinner, you won't be hungry, what can we do about that? Bubba: I just won't eat dinner, Mommy! There is very little room for compromise at this point, but we keep trying anyway!

That candy example is kind of cute!

I remember my son when he was 4 and 5 in kindergarden, he was REFUSING to learn how to read. He just did not see it as something he was interested in and did not buy into any peer pressure or adult pressure for know money! I remember asking him "Honey, want to come look at this book with me?" Answer "no, I am playing with my trains". "Yes but the teacher wants you to look at this book, it will help you learn how to read!" Reply: "I don't want to learn how to read, you can read for me mommy!"

It was not until he was 7 really that he accepted that he was going to have to learn how to read! He just really had no interest in it, it would be like asking someone with no interest in botany to classify a wide range of plant samples or someone with no interest in geology to sort through a pile of rocks and determine what they are based on their "features! Yes, some people are happy to sort through leaves or rocks, others would rather stick forks in their eyes! That was my son with learning to read! No arguements or problem solving would get him to read as my reading for him was his idea of "problem solving". Any discussions about my not being able to read for him one day just scared him and led to a whole new can of worms!

I live in SC. But, in the upstate so can't help out much.

I do know that some smaller groups summer camp programs might help. Also, one based in martial arts might be good. The right school will work w/him patiently, plus, giving him lessons in self discipline, the proper situations to use physical aggression.

There is 1 camp near NC (in the upstate, christian based) that is a good camp. My church goes there each summer. It is alot of fun. Campfires, hummer rides, horseback riding, bands, swimming, disk golf, chance for white water rafting. There is weekend camp & week long camp.

I was looking at Talisman Summer Camps (http://www.talismansummercamp.com/index.html). A part of me wanted to go looking at the website!

It sounds like they have a facinating school program for teens in addition to their summer camps.

But, I saw in the "fine print" that they don't like you talking to your child while at camp? Not even for the semestered school program that is 4 months long? They said that it is too "disruptive?" They will send a weekly report on your childs progress and you can call them, but that is about it? I really don't like the sounds of that. I can understand if they don't want you calling every day, but once a week even seems reasonable to me... Is this normal for camps?

Great... now it will really sound like I am advertising... but I would imagine its because right after the phone call the level of homesickness goes way up.... I think its weird too but :shrugs:.

It could be that, it could be that children with anxiety issues may call home with the slightest problem histarical and wanting to come home, but if given some time to calm down, it will pass. I know when I was with Scouting, they had a rule that they would not drive kids home if they stayed for camp in the middle of the night, because if one kid went, then they would all ditch!

I can understand limiting calls home, or not allowing it for a week or two long camps, but a 4 month program? That just does not sound right to me and sets off alarm bells. To each his own, everyone needs to make a decision, but to me the whole place just sounds sort of suspicious...

Do you have any personal experiance with this camp? First hand accounts?