Talking Back

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Sorry, I don't know either. I was always told it was my "tone". But I could never control my tone at will. When I told my parents I didn't like their "tone", they bitched at me that they can't control their tone all the time either. Double standards were pretty common growing up.

This is the teacher's problem.

95% of the NT kids know what she meant. 4% ask questions like your son just to piss her off, though they do know what she meant.

1% are the Aspies have no clue, and ask because they don't know.

So...the default reaction is being aggravated, because when people ask questions (where everyone can get the context without a dissertation), they are usually being a PITA.

Another example...

Teacher: can you get the scissors?

Aspie: Yep. (Keeps on doing whatever. He can get the scissors, but doesn't realize this is a request for an action.)

Teacher gets aggravated or takes a more pointed tone. I told you to get the scissors, why are you still sitting there?

Aspie:????? Why is she a mad at me.

When I worked in elementary school, every request like "sit", "move here"..etc to an Aspie needed a paragraph.

I have this issue with my husband, because I forget he needs a request totally spelled out. I never have do that 95% the rest time, so I forget.

My husband not understanding unspoken words and missing the context cost him his job.

For me (NT parent)

First example will make me aggravated to angry.

Don't care about second example.

Example three- NT kid doesn't do this, but my husband does. Drives me nuts.

Example four-I wind up ignoring this.

I'm pretty fair about discussing things. Willing entertain the other side. If I have made a final decision, nagging will not change it. Arguing will definitely not change my mind.

I am totally with you on this. I am used to spelling out and translating for my son because I had to learn what all these vague requests meant the hard way.

Using the "we don't" language is terrible for him. "We don't run down the hallway."

My son: What do you mean? I'm doing it right now! Yes, we do! Or, I do.
(Totally doesn't understand that as a request to start walking instead.)

I once made a Venn diagram to explain what you just did with the 95%, 4%, and 1%....

The 95% is a large circle labeled "typical". These people understand the typical response only.

The 1% is a small circle next to, but not overlapping, the large circle labeled "autistic". These people understand the literal response only.

The 4% is a medium circle that overlaps both circles, labeled "smart ass". These people understand both the typical and literal responses and *choose* the literal response at times for humor or other reasons.

So:
1) yes, I agree that those who are firmly in that 95% tend to understand the rest of the 5% as being smart asses, wether or not they are.
2) I think smart asses really help bridge the world for us. I married one. My brother is one also. These are two of my favorite people.

I think this is my son's first teacher who is just very, very typical and blind to his line of thinking.

Truly though, I think she is trying very hard and I appreciate that very much.

For the first example, how would a child know if that's the teacher's intent? Are there clues that you could verbalize?

At home, when I don't want him to add anything I just tell him, "it's not one of those times"...which we have previously agreed that that means "no more questions/talking now". (Which also could be said.)

His teacher for the last 3 years used our wording at school. She was also more tolerant by nature.

This thread brings back some vague but painful childhood memories for me. I've always wanted to understand and explain everything fully. I'd always ask too many questions to try to get at the deeper reasons why rules exist. I also got frustrated easily, and this was all too evident in my tone. So I was repeatedly yelled at for "being snotty" or "talking back," although I repeatedly protested that I did not know how to control it.

FWIW, I think the calendar question was a good question if one of the kid's goals is better organization, or if the folder is supposed to be handed in to the teacher at some point. I also wonder if the teacher just wanted a more demure tone: "Mrs. So-And-So, does the calendar go in the folder or the bag?"

There was another thread a while back about "making excuses" and justifying or explaining your mistakes to others. My approach is, how can things move forward unless the mistake is fully analyzed? I'm learning more and more that most managers/bosses/authority figures don't share this approach.